Life musings

I really do not understand the human psyche. I would like to. I would really like to understand exactly why we think the way we do. Why we function. Why we have a will to live. I would like to speak freely and not feel like I will get condemned or boxed and labeled and set on a shelf.

I came to the conclusion last night that I am not meant to find my counterpart. I have a writers heart and I am supposed to have a pinch of misery in me at all times. Without that I have no "soul". It sucks a lot. But it's something I will come to accept I am sure.

My mother always tells me a story of being in a literature class and the teacher asking the students to take out their books. He read off names and asked his students to put an asterisk by their name. At the end of reading many names he asked what all these writers had in common? All of them had committed suicide. All of them. An astronomical amount. Mostly women, & my mother was struck with how many females had. From great pain comes great beauty.

No, I will not be killing myself anytime soon. As some of you readers know my father committed suicide. I am not that selfish, or currently severely depressed. I saw the pain it caused and I will not cause that on other people. So don't worry about me! Plus I am not all sure about the afterlife and if there's nothingness I don't want to get there all to quickly. Same for all the other theories. I am good sticking around on this earth a little longer. Experiencing new & glorious things, along with the bad and heart-wrenching. 'Tis life. And we'd take it for granted if everything is peachy keen all the time. Or not have life experience to glean and learn from and accept people with.

Divorced.

Apparently.

Am I ecstatic? I should be, right? I would be. But I have not seen the divorce papers. My lawyer has never gotten back to me, not once since January.

I tried again to call her and low and behold.... her line is disconnected. What the crap??? Just great. She disappears before sending me my divorce papers. Jeffrey's gotten his copy. He told me the other day that apparently she's getting her own divorce. So I can understand her being upset about that, or even taking time off to handle her children... but really? Just disappear?

But on the plus side I am 100% totally single. So is Jeff and since he already plans to marry new girl I see him getting engaged soon. Stupid.

My friend Natasha from WV and I made up. We now kinda get each other and I am excited to see her when I get Ash in July.

July.... 1) I turn 26! Damn OLD! 2) My best friend and I are going to see Lady Gaga in concert. 3) I get my beautiful boy for nearly a whole month!!! I can't wait to see him. He is the only thing that makes wasting 5 years with that man worth it.

Manager Boy & Cancer Hearts

Let's talk about that one boy. You know, my manager crush that I used to talk about.

If you are newer or have a foggy memory as many are prone to these days. This blonde boy works with me. 2 or 3 days after I first realized I actually had a crush on him (it came as a shock, yes) he informed me in a delighted sort of way that he had a date. And told me the happy times of what his plans were for said date. Crestfallen it made me.

Well they went out twice I guess, but she had had a recent break-up and it was a no go. Then I "dated" that Dallas guy. Broke his heart, because he would say minor, hurtful things and kept saying something to the effect that he didn't want to be a baby's daddy... as if. Then I guess Blonde Manager dated someone else who went crazy. And now we are both single and play a little cat & mouse.

We hang out outside of work maybe once a week with other work people. Sometimes we talk a lot, sometimes none at all. I know he likes me, but he's younger than me (I know people! I know! lol), and I think he has a complex about it.

My friends and I went to dinner, and afterward I went back up to work with John to retrieve my laptop. John is my bestest guy friend and he works with us too, and often helps me instigate getting Manager boy out with us. I was hyper. Jumping at work, working off the clock. But Manager and I didn't say anything to each other. He was sad & it felt awkward. John & I had made him come to John's the night before to watch a movie, and he thanked us because he was home being moody alone.

So after I left Sweet's John & I went to HEB to get chick beer to go and watch a movie. On the way to John's I texted Manager, "Cheer up, Buttercup!" Just to make him smile.

Then I told him if he says hi to me next time I'll give him a feel-better hug. Poor dear.

I fell asleep on John's couch, though I liked the movie I was wiped out after my hyper bought at work. I woke up to my phone telling me I had a text. It was manager. He told me that the rain made him moody and basically lonely ~~ in other words than that, but I guess I don't want to expose how he put it.

I told him it was heartbreaking and how I loved Texas rain and reading and snuggling a cat.

Of course, b/t you and me I would take a snuggle buddy, but I thought that would be too forward.

Then I went on a tangent about his and my zodiac signs... we're Cancers -- a good people. Moody is our way. And we're romantics. And we're family oriented.

I realized in typing that... maybe that's why I loved Jeff. My family isn't close, not the way I cancerian wants it. So I went about "replacing" my family with normalcy. And then I was too blind to see Jeffrey for what he was. And I married him. Honestly, though I was blind, I knew a big part of my draw to Jeff was his family. I loved them all. I still don't know how he fits in with them. His family is very loving and embracing. He's a bad egg.

Anyway, the point. He opened up to me, and I kinda feel honored. As a fellow Cancer I do know how hard that is. It doesn't come naturally and we have to be in a good place to do it. I mean I know what he told me wasn't earth shattering or anything, but it is more than his usual.

Cancers often give you a glimpse and in my experience (or what people have told me) it leaves you craving more...

Has Kirstin Chenoweth's "Taylor the Latte Boy" stuck in my head...

She's a showstress! Amazing!

Kinda obsessed with it!

Today I feel like sharing with you some quotes that I really like...

"Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth." ~Oscar Wilde

How true. Take our blogging for example. We can reach a small or large audience depending on our skill, dedication, and ability to draw people in. And we share our opinions, thoughts, life experiences, and often feel we can share next to anything. Because we fantasize that anyone can read it. It's our moments of "fame" even if we only entertain 20 people.

Recently I had a conversation with my two very best friends. I was telling them how I appreciate that I can share any part of my life with them and I know they will not judge me or run the other way. I do not have a single reserve that I might do something that they could not get past or visa-versa. I recently lost a friend because I drunkenly shared too much info. And she was fine for a couple days then wouldn't talk to me again. It wasn't that what I told her was heinous. She just wasn't my friend, and judged me, when to be perfectly honest she's done far worse things (well on her judgmental spectrum - not mine) & I still loved her and was a true friend to her. But honestly, she took my sharing is caring as a way to ditch me as a friend.

So I guess my point is: Even though you give the world a version of you, it's nice to have people in your life you don't have to conceal yourself from.

"There are only two kinds of people who are really fascinating: people who know absolutely everything, and people who know absolutely nothing" - Oscar Wilde

This just made me laugh to myself, because it's pretty true. People who talk and have no clue what they are talking about are interesting, because you wonder how in the world they came to that conclusion.

Sorry to say, but sometimes I feel this way about teens. They're endearing, because they are truly stupid. And before anyone takes offense.... they can not help it. They are emotional creatures, awkward, unsure, their brains aren't even near finished development. People get so mad because they make foolish decisions. Parents yell, "You should've known better!" But how? How? They are still in discovery.

"Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes they forgive them." -Oscar Wilde - The Picture of Dorian Gray 1891

I used to explain to my parents when they would tell me what a brat I became as a teenager my theories on why teens rebel. It's because as children we almost idolize our parents we think of them as superior (sometimes even the worst parents... mine struggled a lot - still do even more so now). Then one harsh day reality hits. Our parents, the ones that set the rules, are as fallen as us! Whaaa??? How can it be? They are selfish. They are unfair. They do bad things. But they are putting the rules on us? They are making me feel bad for wasting 3 hours on the computer? For spoiling my dinner with cookies? For telling them I do not want to do the dishes?

How dare they!

Now, go back to the quote before. Children/teens are creatures of emotion!! E-M-O-T-I-O-N. So of course with teen hormones comes rebellion and bratty behavior. They can't help it. I really hope I remember writing the antidote when my son is one of those horrid creatures ;)

So in conclusion, Oscar Wilde is brilliant! And a last quote...

"Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation." -Oscar Wilde, De Profundis, 1905

Funnily Enough...

...Today has been a hard day for me. It's been a weird day.

Since returning from London I have not had to work, so my life has a seemingly functionless meaning. I mean there are things I need to do, certainly starting Monday, but today I just wanted to work on my room.

While cleaning I was crouching in front of my jewelry case (It's about 4 feet tall) At the floor of it I have two baskets, one has jewelry (it hasn't made it into my jewelry case, because when I lived with Crazy my jewelry case was downstairs & so I kept my well-used stuff in a basket in my room) and the other has hair doo-dads. So I was putting things in it and I grabbed an old picture.

It was my dad.

2 1/2 years old. Blonde. Posing with his arms folded in front of him. Grinning with a missing tooth (I'm assuming he knocked it out... one day I'll ask my Mia if she remembers). His eyes big and obviously blue... the picture is black and white, so maybe it's only obvious because I know.

I was suddenly, undeniably, indescribably, emotional. I sat there dumb-founded. Crying. Real tears I cried. I was taken aback. And then I realized why.

He was beautiful. He was happy. There was no jaded look. His face was straight on, but his eyes looked to the left. I wonder if it was at my Mia. My Mia, his mother, whom he had always loved and had a soft spot for.

This moment. This solitary moment my father was without hurt, without anger. He was innocent. He was sweet. He was... happy & precious. He had no idea... no one did... that Marti (his little sister) would be born with a hole in her heart. That she would die at age 6. That she would die in a surgery that just before he told her he hated her and hoped she'd die. And she did. He was so young &jealous of the attention and had no idea what he was saying.

No one knew this was the future.

No one knew that at age 34, a mere month before 35, my hurting, angry, resentful father would kill himself.

And it hurts my soul. To know that this beautiful 2 1/2 year old would be so jaded that he would of his own free will leave this earth.

The moment of tears lasted only a minute or two, and then I stifled it and put his picture away.

My best friends called me, and we went to lunch. I pretty much forgot about the whole emotional bout.

I ran up to work and got my pay check. Came home and remembered my brother and his friend were supposed to come over and see the apartment. He and his friend want to be my new roommates, when my current ones abandon me in August. So I went back to cleaning.

I started a movie on Net Flix called According to Greta with Hilary Duff. In the description it said something about her coming of age film (yes, this ties into before). So I decide a little light movie that looked interesting would do.

It's about a troubled teen who goes to visit her grandparent's for the Summer - unwillingly. Her neglectful mother is working on her 3rd marriage. She's angry, and morbid. She carries around a little notebook with two lists. 1) A bucket list of what she wants to accomplish before death. 2) Different ways to commit suicide. She often comments that life would be better, easier, if her father were still around.

Mini-spoiler alert (the movie is very worth seeing though the ending is rushed making it a touch cheesy)



Her father was gone from her life because he committed suicide. And she, as a child, walked in on it. Of course! I fall into another crying fit. I mean, really? Out of the thousands of movie choices on netflix I picked this one. I almost picked others, but thought it would be a love drama... not family drama film.

It's heart-wrenching. To think of someone in so much desperation they end it all.

And so emotionally, today has been a weird day.

Coincidentally, my brother and his friend do want to live with me. This should be interesting...

London

Well today I leave for London. Yikes! It's exciting. It's nerve-wracking. Its a new experience.

Passport ready! And yes, it's an awful picture. For some reason things that have "flat" pictures always give me chubber cheeks. It's a very odd thing. Had to take a new license pic... same deal.

Well, yesterday was a fun slam everything in my suitcase and run to Houston, since we were late. Harm and I decided I could repack here with the things I really do want. So that's what I did this morning. Repacked, folded, stuffed. I might need to lessen it more. Not sure yet. I need to have room to bring my family stuff back. Haha! But I'll bet I was a sight in the little Sky convertible with a huge suitcase on my lap because trying to get it into the trunk was funny and unlikely.

Geez, I am so nervous I have never been overseas before! I know it'll be great. I know it's an experience that I've always wanted, so I am not complaining.... but the butterflies are making good work of my stomach.

By 9:30 a.m. tomorrow I will be in London. Their time. What it'll be like 3:30 here? Geez... jetlag should be interesting!

I'm going to try and put some of my newest poems on my other blog real quick. :)

Hey folks,

I know it's been forever!! So here's a mini-update...

1) I've moved! I am no longer living with the crazy overly religious/judgmental girl! Freedom!! Today I went to move out the rest of my stuff. She never asked me to leave it, had told me I could keep it there until August. She wrote me 2 days ago and said I had to get it out before my trip (I leave on Saturday) or her dad was going to sell it. I was unhappy about that. I mean ask me to move it nicely, okay... but threaten to SELL it??

2) My trip............. LONDON!!!! Yes, I am serious. :D Going for 4 days. I have friends that are going for business and asked me to tag along. I'm thrilled, never been out of the country - only been to Canada & Mexico outside of the USA.

3) I got my acceptance letter from Blinn. YAY!!! But they want me to send them my SAT scores. Joy.

4) Jeff, my ex, has his new gf living with him for the last month. They started dating in January. That's really nice for my son. I think he called her Mom. :( Jeff promised he wouldn't allow that. But why should I trust him. Oh yeah, I don't. :)

My New Philosophy...

"If I don't love it; why do I own it?"

I need to start purging things from my life. Clothes, books, jewelry, papers, etc. Especially with the appending move. Why have I added things to my life - and more importantly kept them - when they haven't given me any satisfaction in awhile? Nope. Don't need that. I need to look at my belongings differently. They should bring joy to my life not just stress because they are wasting space.

And you can help! :) I have pack rats for plenty of my family members, so I need encouragement and maybe even ideas of what I should asking myself when I look at things. Because I have this awful habit of talking myself into "one day" needing it.

I've already gone through all my clothes and 1/2 my jewelry. My little sister will be happy. I have a lot of cute clothes that just don't fit me right anymore that will work out really well for her probably. And some jewelry that I am just too "old" for.

The paperwork is the stuff I'm scared of. I am always afraid of throwing away things I made need later. Siiiiigh... Especially when it comes to my divorce.

Anyway, hopefully this reaches you and you can either encourage me with how you do it, or maybe it even encourages you to join my journey and "purge" your own life!!

Let ya know how it goes! ~Ashley

Well, I guess I oughta blog something.

Still not completely over the shock of Jeff's new housemate to be. Sigh. I don't care until I really think about it.

If my dreams are any indication for life I think my parents may divorce. I've had the strangest dreams about them lately. I know they are unhappy, and dad has dealt with a lot with mom. I think they have both come up with mental breakdowns. Dad's primarily from the house burning down last July. Construction on it is going well. I would be pretty devastated if they ended, mostly because mom could not function & she's been out of the working world for 20 years. But I would understand. But I would not want mom to use me as a crutch or Maw-maw. Neither of us have the ability for all that.

Uhm. Had 2 job interviews at MHMR. I will not be getting either job sadly. One of them really liked me, but because I plan to return to school in the Fall it wouldn't work out well. So I continue on in the life of an underpaid barista. Joy. At least for the most part I do enjoy my job! :)

I just got slammed with a HUGE HUGE HUGE phone bill. My fault. Chatting it up with Dallas. I have changed my plan to unlimited talk time. Thank God. But now it'll go up and I have to figure out how I will make payment plans. Esp. when child support can start anytime now. I need a second job. I really, really wanted the MHMR job. I told one of the ladies I would go ahead and attend the jr. college here in town if I could have it. I think I told her too late though. Siiiigh.

Oh my life is so.... befuddled.... and mom texted me a billion times. First while I was working and then after I found out my phone bill is astronomical. And then she got upset with me not texted back. Telling me she was having a rough electronic day and had cried. I replied to her texts about coming over this week adding. "I am having a bad day too." She says, "Crying?" like that obviously my day isn't as bad as hers, because I probably haven't cried. I replied, "Yes."

Why did I cry? My phone bill? Yes. And I am putting my wedding dress on Craig's list finally. So I took pics of it. On my laptop that I have internet on I don't have any wedding photos, but on my desk top I do but no internet. So I went through our wedding photos and took pics with my digital camera (so ghetto I know!) to post. Those were a little sad, but the ultimate sad moment was seeing our cat Mr. Incredible's pictures. He died a few months before I left Jeff. He got outside and I thought he'd come back in b/c he doesn't like snow... but he didn't and the neighborhood dogs got him. I was devastated. And seeing his pictures, and even writing this, has thrown me over the edge, so I sat on the floor and cried.

Over spilled milk. I know.

But there's Jeff. Breeding Golden Retrievers. Living with a girl who will take care of him and pamper his ass. He has Ashton. He has our house. He has a newish car. He has a stable and wonderful family.

And the guy I could potentially love?? He lives in south PA. And told my roommate from college he likes me, but he won't do the distance. Naturally. I mean that would be crazy, right? Yes. It would.

And what am I going to do about my $600 phone bill!!!! I wasn't going to say the amount. But Christ on a Cracker! And for what? A guy who annoyed the buh-Jesus out of me?

My life rocks!

Really??

Hmmm....

Hmmm....

Hmmm....

So I called Ashton today, seeing it's Easter. Happy Easter, readers! He was already to bed. So Jeff and I talked.

Guess what?

That girl he's been dating for a nanosecond?? Yeah, maybe 3 months. She's moving in with he and my son. Yeah.

Awesome right? Really, really great.

Understand that I could never ever go back to a man who hit me for 3 years. He doesn't even appeal to me. But I also am not a fan of him having this woman move in with he and my son.

I can't even explain it.

He said he thinks he'll marry her. He tells me she knows everything. That makes her stupid. Okay, not really. Naive. Or I was very much colored badly. Obviously.

I told him as long as she treats my son well, and he treats her well. And Ashton can never call her mom. I would be devastated.

We aren't even legally divorced!! Still waiting on my lawyer to draw up papers. Then the judge to sign and then we have to too.

Am I wrong? Is he just thinking with his pee-pee and not thinking about my son?? Am I unreasonable?

I wish I had something tangible to hold on to right now.

Good times Reunion Style!

Had the most amazing weekend in a really long time! A girl who lived on my floor in college got married, and so a lot of my friends from college came into town. You have to understand I went to a very small private university, so most people knew all people. So we had a brother floor, and had several close "brothers" that also came down for the wedding.

My roommate from college was one of the people that came. You have to understand I haven't seen these people in like 5 years! It made me so happy to have them all come in.
(my eyes look like a cat's eyes, which is better than before when they were bright red and I looked like a smiling devil. Oh bar lighting and camera phones! :D)

We hit the bars. Krista (my roommate from back when), Kat, Michael, Justin, Tasha, & Phil (our wonderful DD) We went to The Corner bar to start drinking. Then went to Hookah Station for hookah & dancing. Funny story.

Some drunk guy gave Krista (who is married) the gun fingers. He kept doing it, so I (kinda drunk by this time) had to tell him something. I went up to him and said hi. He was SOOO drunk lol* I ecplained how gun fingers were not cool and he should not do them ever, EVER again! I made a deal. I will dance with you if you PROMISE me you'll never do the gun fingers ever again. He profusely promised. I danced the rest of the song with him and went back to our table. Justin said, "You just blew that guys mind... completely." I said, "I do what I can."

After Hookah Station we went to Basil Whippets. We convinced Mikey to where a tiara from a girl at another table... I think she was a bridesmaid to be. That dumb girl made me buy her a shot for $4.50 to let me borrow the tiara for about a minute for Mike to take the pic. Totally worth it, though I don't like her anymore. Below: Mike and I and the tiara.

So after we left Basil Whippets Justin really wanted pizza and I had told him Antonio's pizza by the slice was amazing so we went there. I linked arms with Mike and told him he had to keep me warm. By the time we got to Antonio's we were holding hands.

Justin was really impressed with the pizza. I told you, I let him know. We made the trek back to the car. Mike and I going back in forth from my arm through his and holding hands. We drove back to our hotels that were side by side. I decided going home was not the best option for me! lol* Kat and I shared a bed. Mikey & Justin hot-tubbed - still jealous - but I didn't have my suit and no, I was not going skinny dipping with them! lol* At some point in the night I texted Mike. "i just wanted you to know while I'm still drunk. I had a really big crush on you in college!" He wrote me back, "Ditto. That's why I usually always walked you back to your dorm."

Awwwwwwwwwwww...

We didn't get to see each other the next day because his ride wanted to go. We were all going to go to breakfast. But he called me that night, though I was working and couldn't talk. Apparently, he got on Krista for not telling him I had a crush on him way back when. Said, he would've made a better choice than Jeff. Total fact. We talked for a little over an hour yesterday. It was really cute. I don't know folks, but it's great to feel connected to everyone again.

Especially for how hard last week was. Breaking up with Dallas, missing Eric, and Prettyface with Abs being quite awful to me... I will never get an apology there I am sure of. But such is life! I had an amazing weekend with people I love.

And I get to see someone who was influential in my high school years today. So this has been the week of the reunions! :)

GaGa Guy!

So, some of you may remember me telling you about the guy who liked to talk God-awful amounts about himself and how wonderful he is!

Well, new story! Same guy. John & I call him Gaga Guy, because John once saw him at a Gaga themed party.

The other night I was working with Michael G. I was feeling sick and a bit grumpy and not really wanting to be there when Gaga Guy came up to the bar. Gaga Guy has a crush on Michael and Michael finds it uncomfortable and disconcerting. Gaga tries to talk Michael's ear off and Mike's so sweet he uncomfortably allows it.

He made a joke when Mike asked him what he'd like, "What do people normally want when they come up to this counter?"

I say, "Caffeine?"

Gaga counters, "Coffee. I'm not looking to buy a new car."

Oi vey! Order your damn coffee already! He does, but still thinks it's open mic night at the Sweet Eugene's.

Gaga Guy to Mike & I: So the other day I went to a restaurant. I had a bad waiter, well I mean he was bad until I had a conversation with the manager, and then he got better. Anyway, so the bill comes and I ask him, 'Would you rather have a $5 tip or an $11 tip?' He tells me that a $5 is fine. I told him I was going to give him a $10, then he tells me oh a $10 would be great. I tell him too late.

"Well a few nights later I go to another restaurant, and after the meal I ask the waiter, 'Would you rather have a $11 tip or a $15 tip' -- he was a better waiter and it was a fancier place. You know what he tells me? 'I prefer a $20 tip' he says. So you know what I did?"

Me: Gave him a $20 tip?

Gaga Guy: I gave him a $24 tip. I mean he had such a good answer!

Me (and normally I am not this crude, he just bothers me): 4 extra dollars for having the balls to ask for it?

Gaga Guy: Well, I don't say things like that word. I guess it's just because you're domesticated.

Me: (shocked gasp)

Gaga Guy: So would you like the $2 or the change?

Me: I'm pretty sure you owe me the $2 for giving me such a burn!

Gaga Guy: Huh?

Me: You just called me domesticated. Are you serious with that? That's offensive.

Gaga Guy: What doesn't it just mean native?

Me: No. You just called me a house pet. (or a housewife I suppose, but at that moment I felt I had grown a tail and whiskers)

Gaga Guy: Oh I had no idea! You get the $2 & the change.

Ladies & Gentlemen, no sir. You do not call this girl a house pet. Now he tried to give me some jibberish about English being his second language. But I assure you he does not have but a hint of an accent. And he speaks quite fluidly. Remember, "I have worked for the President of Peru!"

Anyway, jetting out, but my grandma found this story hilarious, so thought I'd share!!

Peace, Love, & Cappuccino!

Breakin' Hearts...

Wow. I have no clue where to begin.

I broke up with Dallas. There are a lot of reasons. Not to say newly cliche', but I guess I "Just wasn't that into him." I feel in some ways he was so crazy about me that he would have told me anything I needed to hear. I sat at the park and broke it off on the phone. His tune about my son changed... before he spoke of not wanting to be a stepdad ever. When I broke it off with him he talked about how he hadnt met my son before so couldn't judge, and wouldn't it be my son's choice to look at a new husband of mine as a stepdad or not... not my or the man's choice.

But here's the real clincher. I've come to the conclusion I could very easily fall in love with Eric. I'd have to look back and see if I nicknamed Eric. lol* But he's the one that took me on an official date and is from Houston, is getting a divorce and has 3 kiddos. Anyway, I can't get him off my mind... and I am not that girl. Not the girl that keeps dwelling on someone this hardcore.

Love comes to mind when I think of him. And I am the girl who's afraid of love. I'm the girl who stops breathing, whose heart stops beating for a couple second, who feels like either running miles or throwing up when I think about L-O-V-E. And to feel it for a man who has walked out of my life, because his own life is too complicated.... it's painful.

Dallas is taking it hard. We are still facebook friends, and since Monday his statuses have involved alcohol. And he does not drink. This is what I do. I break hearts. But I suppose karma's fair, because my heart is covered in band aids and stitches.

I keep trying to fill my heart holes with other things, and as of yet they all fall flat and are so monetary.

Ladies & Gentlemen.... I need a vacation! :)

Good thing is I have a great book idea I am going to start, because the best writing comes when I am in a dark place in my life. lol*

Sooooooon....

I do plan on posting later today. Am off to work. I was gone most of Spring Break last year, and then I couldn't get into my blogger account. So yeah, will try to update about my wild and crazy life! :D

Sorry for seemingly being a bum!

The Best Things in Life Are Free...

...meaning? Things you pay for just get broken. Or stop being fun. But friendship, that shit should be forever. :)

I love when a man can make me laugh and giggle. But even better when we can have a "real" conversation. Best when you can combine these two and there's a perfect mixture. Like chips and salsa, red wine and pizza, socks and shoes.

NOT socks and flip-flops or sandles. That's ALWAYS a no-no.

I am going through a Lauren withdrawl. I have decided. She's in Galveston with the family for Spring Break. Kinda jealous! Especially if the weather was better. OMG. This summer is going to be a pain with her in Montgomery. There will be plenty of driving and visiting to be had.

I am thinking of writing my friend Zafer. Since Margarita Night (a night had begun to blog about, but didn't finish and it went bad so just couldn't get all out here. After my drunk travesty night and Zafer taking care of me. He chose beforehand to have one of his own. And it turned into a fest of revenge drinking. He, who does not drink, got smashed and acted like a complete ass. We went as far as to make him leave. And that made him very angry, and partly he had reason to. But by God it was 6 a.m.!

Anyway, it was a horrible night, and I haven't spoken to him since.

But now I am better and less mad at him. Him getting drunk and pushing me (physically) away was the main ordeal I could not handle. I can be friends with him again, but I have to spend less time around him. So after nearly 3 weeks to a month of no Z I am ready to make amends. He's in New Orleans now for Spring Break, so I think it's perfect timing. He can come home to a well thought out note of me asking him to be friends again, and be his little sister again. :)

Now if I could only get over the sickness!!!!!!!!!! That's the real plan. :)

Not happening...

So today was a bust.

I closed last night. Sick and all. Luckily since 1)It's Spring Break and 2) We were slowww b/c of reason #1 we got to close at 12:30 a.m. Which was really nice! We got out relatively quickly too.

John took my 9 am this morning, since of course there was no way for me to do it. I remembered at about 4 am that I had to go to that condo today at 1 pm. So I couldn't walk noon-2 (the end of my shift I gave the beginning to John) so I texted him to see if he could work the whole thing. I felt pretty bad about it.

So at about 11 I got up and showered. I couldn't even talk I hurt so badly. At about noon I got a phone call from the girl I was supposed to meet. She said not to come they decided not to have a third. :( Utter disappointment. I went back to bed.

When I woke up I looked up a couple more ads for roommates on Craigslist. Wrote 3 or 4 more people. Siiiiighhhhh... I'm getting a bit frustrated with this.

Last night when I got home from work there was a paper on my bed. She typed me up a paper that said when my bills were due and the date for them. Seriously?? Really?? Is that necessary??

Tonight I went to dinner with one of my best friends, Stevie. I had a Pomegranate Margarita Shaker at Applebee's. Can I tell you how amazing they are? Pretty darn amazing. That's for darn sure. :)

We vented out our life and caught up. It was nice :)

I came home and Alisha asks me if we aren't talking. "we can talk" I say. She said we hadn't talked in a couple days. I told her I don't think she treated me like a friend earlier in the week. It was very awkward. I don't consider her a friend anymore. But we aren't off speaking terms. Things are just off the table now.

Time to Go.

Still sick. Kinda want to throw myself off a cliff.

So this week has been interesting. I may be moving out. Have I mentioned that I'm 25? Well, my roommate is a sheltered 21 year old. And as long as that didn't interfere in my life I was fine. Our family are friends. Once upon a time I babysat her. We have absolutely nothing in common.

Well, you know how I wrote about Dallas, and how I'm unsure how much I like him yada, yada...?? Well this past week he was supposed to come see me. That way I could test the waters how much I like him.

Well, my roommate knew about it. And for some reason unbeknown to me she doesn't really like him. I have my theories and a lot of them include words like 'jealousy' & 'lesbian'. Because I've been with other guys that she's met and she's never been as bizarre as all this.

About a week ago she calls me out in front of her friends and tells me he can't stay with us. I tell her of course he can I pay rent and it's really rude of her to not let him. SHe says he can stay with my best friend. They haven't even met. I'm not going to make him drive 3 hours to push him on someone. He can stay in a hotel. Again, no. That rude!

She says, "Well, I wasn't raised that way." So? Am I asking to let him sleep in your bed? No. My morality can not be dictated by her. And I've had other guys stay here. She says she didn't know, but later on in the week she said she had meant to talk to me about it but forgot. Thing is. It doesn't matter. I pay the same amount of rent as she does and she can not dictate who I have here. I am not bringing a drug dealer here. I am not shooting up or getting belligerently drunk. I am letting a guy I am seeing come visit me.

And for her to do this in front of her friends is wrong and immature.

The week progressed and I knew I needed to have a conversation with her without her friends around. But they were alwas here. They stayed the night. And I was deathly sick so if they left at 1 a.m. it certainly didn't help me out. Finally I texted her and said we needed to have a conversation. She comes home.

I tell her I have rights. I am paid up and I should be allowed to have anyone visit I want. She tells me no. I say my brothers and her brother have both stayed here. "They're family." "They aren't both our family."

"My parents have done so much for you. They gave you your bed. This is the ONLY thing I have ever asked of you."

False.

She's asked me to clean certain rooms in the house. She asked when I first moved in that I didn't have alcohol in the house, and if I did to keep it in my room. I was 24!! when I first moved in. But I did that. Since I have lived here there have been 2 bottles of wine and 3 barcardis here.

Her family frequently visits. Her mother was coming nearly every weekend last year to help her with math. Did I ever complain? No. Not once. did I want my place invaded all the time? No. But I understood.

Now here's the clencher. SHE BROUGHT OUT HER DEED to prove the place is hers. I didn't even look at it. I told her I know it's hers and I never said anything about it. What I did say is that if this was such a big deal it should have been stipulated beforehand.

Needless to say, Dallas did not come. And I am hunting down a place to move into. I hope to move out before the month ends and get some rent back. I plan to write her a long letter about exactly why I am leaving and how mistreated I feel.

I regret having been a good friend to her for her 21st. She didn't want a lot of drinking esp. from her under-aged friend Rachel. I took the heat from Rachel just so Alisha didn't have to. She can't give me the same courtesy.

I've been helping her out. Helping her pay the mortgage. I look forward to leaving. Looking at a condo tomorrow. I'm over it. She wouldn't even approach it correctly. And she now thinks we're friends. We are not friends. We're roommates. I tried to bring her in my world. I have introduced her to all my friends. Invited her to dinners, potlucks, game nights. I have been kind to all her friends. But she has not treated me in kind.

Her loss. Unless she finds a spinster she will realize any future roommate will not be this good to her. And will probably, in this day in age, not deal with someone controlling who is allowed to visit them.

Saved!

Part 2 to Save me!

I did it. Buckled down and called my grandparents last night.

Went well. We talked about what we were supposed to. Then my grandpa said he hated to leave things on a bad note and he chewed on me a bit. Which was deserved and expected. He asked my grandma, Mia, to make it better. "I'm going to let Mia finish, she's better at putting a positive spin on things."

She then proceeded to tell me how much she loves me. How I am their first grandchild and will always have special place. How she wished she had known what I had been going through all thse years with Jeffrey, so they could have better helped. How they know this past year has been so difficult on me, but we were all going to pick up the pieces, repair, and move forward. She said, "Ashley, you have so much more going for you than you give yourself credit for. You're going to be just fine."

Included were antidotes of my childhood. My grandpa chimed in being sweet too (unusual) about how much they loved when I was young coming to spend time with them. Then they went on to tell me how great Ashton (my 3-yr-old) is. And how, when he stayed with them while I was in WV to finish things up, amazingly good he was. My grandpa said, "He really loves to draw and Mia would give him the scotch tape and he'd go throughout the house and tape up his artwork.

"We left it up for weeks, so when we'd walk through the house we'd remember his great visit," he said.

I was really touched and definitely started crying throughout the conversation.

It's rough when I love my grandpa SO much and feel like a constant disappointment. I feel a little useless when he tells me I need to get a "marketable skill."

Anyway, in other news... I am sick. I feel really bad and have had to give up my shift yesterday and today :( I think it's strep.

And more news today was sibling day. I took my brother and sister and we all got our hair cut. My 14 yr old brother and I got our hair colored. Then we went to the dollar store and to Spoons (this awesome frozen yogurt place where you put in your own yogurt add your own toppings, then weigh it and pay by ounces. Really cool place. And then up to my work to get my paycheck. And lastly to my Maw-maw's (my other grandma - my mom's mom) to tell her Happy Birthday. And by the end of all that I was too exhausted to try and work. Got my shift covered. I came home and crashed for about 4 hours. And I am about to crawl back into bed, but thought I'd quickly update! :)

Save Me!

I have SO much to do, and have NO desire to do it.

I need to go to parents and figure out my tax stuff. I have never done my own taxes, so I am scared and procrastinating. *smacks hand* bad Ashley.

Tonight I am going to dinner with Lauren and maybe a movie. Playing it chill. Helping her decide on her dress for her boyfriend's sister's birthday party on Friday.

I kinda need to go to Wal*mart or something and get some stuff. That too I don't want to do.

My Caddie is fixed. Dad called me this morning. So he was taking it to his house, so I can return the van! Yay! Oh, so what was wrong with the Caddie? There was a short in the thingy that makes the heater/AC blow... and THAT'S what was making her die. Oh, "The Old Lady" I think all cars hate me. Except for when I had Sir Lancerlot. He, he was loyal. So the part to fix it if we had gotten it from GM would have cost $280!! Just for a little part. But one of the mechanics had a caddie in his yard and gave us the piece for much less. Dad said he thinks for labor and all it'd be $230. Nice.

And the real reason I don't want to do anything? I hurt. I mean my back always hurts... nothing new there. But my face! I think my teeth are shifting or I have a cavity or something. My gums on the left side of my face hurts and my cheek bone like someone punched me and my ear and my temple. It was hard to sleep. I kept waking and taking a pain pill. So I am unrested and unwilling to do things. :(

But do, I must.

Also, I am a very bad girl and have put off calling my grand dad. At first I just legitimately didn't have time. Then it was awhile and I knew he'd be mad, so I put it off and off and off. Now he'll be really mad and I keep procrastinating the deserved lecture. :( I am an awful, awful person.

I am my own worst enemy. For real!

Mr. Dallas

Being indecisive is one of my best worst qualities. It means I am easy to please, but also means I have no intention of making a decision unless I have to. And even then, when I know I have to I become even more stubborn and then can't even make up my mind.

Does this confuse you? Imagine living this all the time.

It is certainly hard when a relationship is involved.

I buckled and joined okcupid. I talked to some people, but none really peaked my interest until February 14th. Yes, yucky V-day. We sent messages back and forth and then texted for a bit. we decided we would be each other's Valentine's for the last 40 minutes. He called and we talked until 5 a.m. Insane! It continued. We talked on the phone for hours every day, and when we weren't talking we were in constant communication via text.

I was smitten. I had a crush. And he was crazy, crazy for me. He liked me even more than I liked him... and that is something I am not used to.

He lives in Dallas. So I went 2 weekends home with my roommate, and he and I met halfway in the mall. I went home with him and we had pizza, watched Idol, and made brownies. We were respectful in those areas ;) Didn't go too far, but we did sleep in the same bed.

But the indecision set in. I liked him when he talked business and was serious. I liked him flirty and joking. But then he'd get really goofy. Like too goofy. And I didn't like him so much.

And then... then there was Eric. I'm not over him. He, friends, is my ideal match. He would accept me... erm... whoever he ends up with... as a stepmother to his kids. He would accpet any of her children as his stepkids. Perfect.

"Dallas" has already told me he wants his own family and would never consider himself a stepfather to my child. He wouldn't be mean, but he said he might be jealous.

So since I rarely have my son now, since Jeff got custody, I thought I would let him get to know me and then move from there.

Smart Ashley knows what she should do. She should call it quits. But she could talk to him every day for hours and hours, so it's confusing.

Eric is not available, and although I often think this summer if I am single I will text him and ask how life is. I can't let go of that. Which means it's unfair to Dallas. Which means I am being unfair. Which is not what Ashley normally is.

I am so wishy-washy. I know I need to get over Eric, because well, I don't think it could happen. I could've happened, but we had the worst timing available to mankind. It sucks, and it saddens me.

I just feel ultimately, I could do better than Dallas. But I would miss someone texting me as much as he does and our late night conversations. But I know what I'm like when I really like someone, and I am slowly fading away from that with him. And I know if I pull the plug we can't be friends.

So I debate whether to spring for it, or give him another chance... He plans to come see me in a week.

Stuck on Yourself Much?

Ugh, says Charlie Brown. You Blockhead, says Lucy.

As some of you may know, I work at a local coffee shop. (I don't hate Starbucks or want to cut it's corporate legs - for the record!)

I closed tonight. Hence why I am up so darn late! And not any of the 4 of us wanted to be there. So we were all a little grouchy.

Tonight a guy came in. First we were busy and he was loudly chatting with his friends. I heard the words "abortion" and "rape". I didn't care. I just wanted him to shut up and order. I kept trying to interrupt him. He kept ranting.

Finally we (my manager and I) get his attention. "Oh is it my turn?" I tell him it is through a smile of gritted teeth. He starts to ask what he should get from my manager Michael. I lose interest and make his friends drink.

He doesn't shut up. He starts telling Michael how he (Michael) is like a guy who sells fords but actually drives a honda, because Mike doesn't drink coffee. He orders what Mike says and a sandwich. The entire time he contnues to talk about himself to whoever is listening.

He eventually asks us what our major is. I say I don't have one. He says some jibberish. I can tell he's judging so I say I am old. You are old? How old?

25.

That's not old! How old do you think I am?

Well I am assuming since you say it like that you are older than me.

I didn't say that. How old do I look?

23 or 24, but I'm guessing you are 28?

Well let's put it this way. This will make you feel better. I have interned for the President of Peru. I have interned with the Governor of (insert forgotten state), I have lived abroad in this country and this country and this country.

I'm thinking, "How the hell is that supposed to make me feel better? That means I have done not a damn thing with my life. Thanks bozo." By the way he has his drink. He did not tip. And he hasn't shut up and we're busy. Busy, busy, busy. And I can't even help people b/c he is bombarding me with other questions. And begging Michael to tell him how old he is.

And this ass tried to leave without telling me how old he was. He's 21. I wish I could capitalize numbers. TWENTY ONE!!!!!!! And already has done all these things, by the way I didn't even remotely write all he did.

21!

I hate him. I loathe him.

I've packed my bags and I'm going home.



No. Not because he's done all these things. Good for him. But because he can't shut up about his accomplishments. Oh and when I called them accomplishments... you want to know smart boy's reply?

"Oh these aren't accomplishments. Every college student does this!"

Whatever.

Michael asked when he left if I thought it was bi, gay, or straight. I said I guessed bi. I added that he probably has mirrors all around his bed so he can always be looking himself in the eyes whenever he has sex with anyone.

Mean? Maybe. But he did not stop talking about himself. Not for a second.

Again. Good for him seizing opportunity! Good for him traveling abroad. Interning with high officials. Look into my eyes. I don't hate him for any of that.

But nonetheless it makes me feel like shite. Nonetheless he feels superior.

Nonetheless, he's a rich kid and didn't tip. He made James change out his chips. He has no manners. And he thought since the fact he's done so much in his 21 years and it didn't make me feel better about my life that telling me he had a brand new car that was only 1 month old totaled by another driver would in fact certainly make me feel better. His folly will not make me feel better. Yes, for sure with that display he is in fact 21. 21 and stupid. So ha! :-P

Do I have anything nice to say about him? ...........................

He had nice teeth.

Is Society Fading Further into Indulgence?

I keep starting a blog and then realizing I have nothing to say. I have zero points to express.

I did write three new pieces of poetry yesterday. I have not posted them anywhere but Facebook. My poetry blog has all of three followers and only 1 comments semi-regularly. Which is cool, because I write my poetry for myself... mostly... but I like if I know what I write means something to someone... you know? Maybe just post 'em here :)

Recently my friends and I were talking about *the* Twitter being the bane of society.

"I have a headache."

"I am hungry."

"I just devoured a cheese burger. And now my stomach hurts."

"I am home all alone. My doors are unlocked."

"Will you please stalk me?"

Do we really feel like we need to update every last mini-detail of our life? Is that what we are doing now? Are all of us just waiting/wanting to be stalked, just so we feel we are making pieces of our life matter?

And how are the children growing up in the facebook & twitter age going to be as teens and adults. Will we have conversations, or will we all sound like continuations of "updating our status"?

Will the children we are raising be able to make complete sentences on their high school and college papers, or will they be using "ur" "l8er" "u" "lol" ":)" "luv" "K"? It really worries me. Are we actually getting smarter or just self-indulgent and lazy? I still use full length words in texts. Unless it's just over 2 texts and I want it to be one. Then I go back and try to do as little shorthand as possible.

But certainly there is always changes to language. I mean Shakespeare would wonder what the hell we are saying! Or Chaucer, well he might get it, because they just wrote how they "felt" things should be written. Hooked on Phonics style.

Thoughts? Am I crazy? Am I over-reacting?

I just love real conversations. Talking about things that MEAN something. Granted, my last post was about me getting drunker than drunk. Certainly not my best moment.

And truth is... I am minorly guilty of the very thing I complain about. I certainly update my facebook. I certainly blog on occasion, hoping someone reads it. Hoping someone takes interest in my mediocre life! lol*

Just A Little Talking...

I think Twitter and Buzz (birds and bees) should have babies. They can be called Tweetzz or better yet, Twitzz.

And there are my thoughts... Not as good as Football Players being gay, but eh, that's hard to top! ;)

Ashley's Drunken Travesty...

Last night was a drunken travesty.

No, it was not supposed to be! The plan was to go to Lauren's after work a split a bottle of wine. Port in fact. But then we had our Turkish friend Zafer come over and bring another bottle of wine. And then after consuming both of those between us two very petite little girls our other friend John invited us to go to Halo, Bryan's token gay bar. Lauren had never been, and Zafer had wanted to go out anyway, so after changing into cute things we were off!!

We stopped on the way to the club by my house so I could get some heels and we all took potty breaks. We stopped at the gas station for Lauren to acquire her cigs and another bottle of wine, because we were not going to drink at Halo.

Now in this part of the story I should feed you a bit of information. Lauren is always having serious boy troubles with her boyfriend. He's an ass. He keeps saying he's going to come visit her (lives about 45 minutes away in her hometown) and then never shows, nor does he usually text/call to tell her he is not coming. And so, she's angry with Boyfriend. Now she is really attracted to Zafer and he to her, but she keeps going back to Boyfriend.

Back to story.

So we look cute. And we go to Halo. And it goes all downhill from there. Lauren and I had had a pact that we weren't going to drink anymore... good God... as though we needed any more! But about as soon as we walk in Lauren is buying us both Cherry Vodka Sours. Ashley, me, can not do vodka or any other hard alcohol after wine and certainly NOT after stout port. But she bought it so obviously I drink it.

I mix and mingle. My best friend growing up, Kristen, is there, so I say hi to her. And talk to her a little bit. And after consuming half my drink and being handed a second CVSour I decide I need a picture with Kristen since we are never in the same vicinity. So I go over somehow juggling two glasses of CVS and my camera. I tell her we need a picture together. She says okay. I attempt, badly, to hand her friend the camera, but instead drop one of the drinks. The one with less drink in it... pity... a guy who works there saw and quickly ran to get a broom. I feel guilty of course, because really at the moment I am not THAT bad. I'm just clumsy. I do get my pic with Kristen and as far as I can tell it's cute.

More drinking ensues. I remember a shot. It was pink and tasted good. I remember thinking, hmmm it's pink just like my CVS, so it's not like I'm mixing too many things. It's a darker shade of pink. Why do shots always take three sips for me to consume them?

We all wind up on the couch. Zafer, me, and Z's friend Hakan, with Lauren on Z's lap. I distinctly remember asking Hakan if he was dating the Asian girl I met the other night again. I told him how much I liked her, and that she was adorable, and had the cutest dimples I'd ever seen (all repeats to what I told her when I met her and was not wasted). He just grinned at me and giggled. But I was serious! And they seemed to still like each other...

John arrived and I said hi. But I don't think we hung out very much. :(

And that's about all I really remember exactly. That and drunkenly texting "Pretty Face and Abs" Why, Ashley, why??? Of course per usual he was working... so I didn't do that thing again. But I looked at the texts today. Good God almighty! I was not making a bit of sense. Emmmm-barrassing.

Now the things I don't remember, but apparently did.

I kept drinking and drinking and Zafer kept trying to get me to stop. No more little sister! But more little sister did. My drunken excuse? "I can't let Lauren drink alone. I have to be here for her. Her boyfriend's an ass!" (I am typing this and shaking my head at myself)

And to top it all off. Lauren and I hit on gay guys. I wonder what they looked like, well I mean besides their faces probably covered with looks of annoyance and confusion. Apparently I tried to give them my number. And I told Zafer that no one likes me because they wouldn't take my number. And was I really not pretty? (still shaking my head at myself)

Then it was time to go. Well, it had probably been that time for awhile. But Ashley did not want to go. Ashley needed to say goodbye to everyone. Zafer kept trying to get me to leave, and I kept telling him no! I had to find John and mean Zafer would not let me. Not to mention I could barely walk. Zafer carried me. He told me today that he thought he looked abusive or something trying to drag me out of there. He carried me all the way to the car.

By this point Lauren was an angry drunk. At Boyfriend.

In the car apparently I made it very awkward for Z. I don't think Lauren remembers this. Again. They like each other and both tell me about it. But I decided it was dinner table conversation. I tell Zafer how much Lauren likes him. I turn to Lauren and tell her Boyfriend sucks and she should just date Zafer. And how wonderful Zafer is and taking care of us. Then I say what all little sisters should say, "If you two have sex tonight do not involve me. Okay?" WTH?!?!?

We get back to Lauren's and some of this I remember. Crying about missing Ashton and how awful Jeff is for having him and the unfairness of it all. Then I threw up. In a trashcan; every one was warned.

And some point, Chris, my potential interest called. He knew I was drunk from before, but I don't think he knew how drunk I was going to be when he called. We talked. I don't remember. Apparently I told him several dozen times how much I like him. And I asked him on a scale from 1-10 how much he liked me. He told me today that he said, "I'm not going to answer that. Are we in middle school?" Today when he was reiterating the conversation I asked, "Why didn't you play Ashley's drunken game?" He has no answer. Because drunken Ashley is silly, weird, and obsessed with the 1-10 scale.

And then Zafer was going to leave. Lauren told him to stay. He said okay. I am on the phone with Chris. Giggling. I am such a drunken school girl! She grabs her cell and goes to her room. Zafer thinks she's coming right back, but she doesn't. So he asks me to go check on her and see if she's sleeping. I go in there...

"What's up?"

"I am mad at boyfriend."

"Fuck boyfriend!! He doesn't deserve you. He keeps standing you up. Why are you with him? You should be with Zafer. He will treat you so much better. He's better looking than Joey. See how he took care of us?" (I wonder at this time if I knew how much taking care of he did for me and others...carrying me out of Halo, saving gay guys I was trying to pick up, etc. )

I think I suggested she have sex with Zafer again. My night has a theme!

During this Zafer gets uncomfortable because he can hear all of the conversation. He said I sounded like his mother trying to get a girl to date him. All the while poor Chris is on the phone with me. I am an awful, awful person.

I went back to the couch.

Eventually I think I hung up on him by accident and passed out. But we've talked on the phone twice today... so apparently I didn't scare him off too badly. Oi! It was funny b/c this morning I was so afraid I drunken texted him something stupid, so I went and checked and was relieved that I didn't. But then I checked my call list later and there were 2 calls from last night. Damn it.

But there you have it! This little girl knows how to party apparently. Granted it is not a usual thing for me. And maybe as you read this you are thinking it is one of those... had to be there stories. If so I sincerely apologize, and appreciate that you read all the way through it.

The Best Things in Life Are Free...

...meaning? Things you pay for just get broken. Or stop being fun. But friendship, that shit should be forever. :)

I love when a man can make me laugh and giggle. But even better when we can have a "real" conversation. Best when you can combine these two and there's a perfect mixture. Like chips and salsa, red wine and pizza, socks and shoes.

NOT socks and flip-flops or sandles. That's ALWAYS a no-no.

I am going through a Lauren withdrawl. I have decided. She's in Galveston with the family for Spring Break. Kinda jealous! Especially if the weather was better. OMG. This summer is going to be a pain with her in Montgomery. There will be plenty of driving and visiting to be had.

I am thinking of writing my friend Zafer. Since Margarita Night (a night had begun to blog about, but didn't finish and it went bad so just couldn't get all out here. After my drunk travesty night and Zafer taking care of me. He chose beforehand to have one of his own. And it turned into a fest of revenge drinking. He, who does not drink, got smashed and acted like a complete ass. We went as far as to make him leave. And that made him very angry, and partly he had reason to. But by God it was 6 a.m.!

Anyway, it was a horrible night, and I haven't spoken to him since.

But now I am better and less mad at him. Him getting drunk and pushing me (physically) away was the main ordeal I could not handle. I can be friends with him again, but I have to spend less time around him. So after nearly 3 weeks to a month of no Z I am ready to make amends. He's in New Orleans now for Spring Break, so I think it's perfect timing. He can come home to a well thought out note of me asking him to be friends again, and be his little sister again. :)

Now if I could only get over the sickness!!!!!!!!!! That's the real plan. :)

Football Players are Gay

...which is good for me, because I like the gays.

But let's see, what other game do we have men yelling to each other, "Go deep! Go all the way now!" And smacking each other's ass in congrats - otherwise known as a "Good Game." Not to mention locker time. I like to sit here and imagine the hot, sweaty, grimy men taking off their gear and making out before shower time. When they all happily shower together. Playfully passing each other the soap. Lathering each other's muscles... oh sorry... went into a daze there.

Not gonna lie. I'd like to be a fly in that locker room.

Now basketball players on the other hand. Not at all gay. Still tall and sexy, and I wouldn't complain if they made out. But, b-ball players are totally straight... well except Dennis Rodman makes me a little leery. He is confused as to what he is all together. And as my friend Harmony said, "They are so tall they'd just get tangled up." And they're tough. And they high-five, no "good game" booty smackage.

Nope football you win! And gay men all around you win too. Therefore I admit. I am jealous. John, go for a Manning brother... that would make me the happiest girl alive! :)

Peace Out!

I apologize in advance if I'm not around this week. It's 4:45 am right now and I am getting my stuff together to head to WV. I am taking my laptop, but I don't know where I will have wireless and if I will be able to update anything. Otherwise I return to my Texas on Friday late.

Have a great week! And if you think about it, send me prayers and good thoughts.

Later Tators! ~Ashley

Consider it Vacation!

Made it to Houston. Ashton was taken, borrowed, driven away to Victoria with my grandparents this afternoon. And Tuesday morning I will be flying to West Virginia for my FINAL court date! I am starting the trek to excitement.

Back to Ashton. Uht-oh, he left his doggy blanket here at my Uncle's. I think he should be okay without it. He has a second blanket which is softer, but not as beloved. He has left his blankie at my mom's before and slept without it. Hopefully it works out.

It feels weird without him. A little boring... not going to lie. I mean kind of relaxing too. But he keeps me on my toes. And not hearing his voice, which is constantly going 100 mph, is strange. Not hearing, "Mommy!" every 5 minutes. What to do with myself?

Oh! For anyone who's curious - SOUTHWEST AIRLINES ROCKSS!!! So I called and told them my courtroom dilemma (that I won't be able to make my flight on the 28th because of court) and she changed the flight to one on the 29th with no extra charge!!! Because I couldn't help my circumstances. She said normally there would be a charge. Anyway, I really like Southwest people. They are always SO nice and really accommodate to their fliers. Consider this my endorsement!

So now I fly home on the 29th now. I'm not absolutely thrilled about it, because there's nothing in WV for me. I guess I can just pretend it's vacation to a place that soon I will never have to go back to!!!! (except to pick up my son, but those will be quick and painless)

I do hope that another snowstorm is not there during that!! That was a scary drive lemme tell ya! Here's a taste...

Sorry I am now distracted! I was going to find an image of the state of WV for the blog, but came across this instead. And I am now so disturbed to even continue. (And I know this is a random turn I am taking lol*) I'm not ADD I'm just.... oh look a snake!!

Yes, a snake. Folks they are my biggest fear... it's something about their soulless eyes. The way they slither. That they keep sticking their tonuge out at me to smell me... but I am pretty sure they just want to eat me. Then I see this: Big Ugly Crawling Demon ~ and it just throws me off my groove.

I talked to Ashton on the phone a couple minutes ago. He's used to speaker phone, so he started to insist he hung up on me. I kept saying, "No I am here Ashton, hold the phone to your ear." Finally, Grand-da-dee took the phone from him and said, "Okay, let's get ready for bed." He hung up without checking if I was there or not! lol* So no real goodbye, kisses, or I love yous. I feel a little cheated. Nor was I able to tell G.D.D. that Ash left his doggie blanket here. Oh well.

Heave Ho!

New Followers! Yay! And welcome :) My blog's windows are always open to cheery faces. I wish I could promise you the sweet smells of apple pie. I can promise you that music is using flowing. Right now Regina Spektor has become my world :)

Oh no! Now I feel pressure lol*

Let's see currently I am feeling stress, stress, stress! Sunday I am off to Houston to drop off Ashton to my grandparents while I go up to WV for my FINAL divorce hearing!!! Yay!!! The unfortunate thing is we bought my plane tickets before the date was set. We knew it would be anywhere from 26th-29th, so what does my grandpa do? Buys Southwest tickets for the 26-28. And what happens then?!? My court date gets scheduled for the 28th. I am supposed to be at the PA airport (approx. 2 hours from court) at 2 pm to return the car. And this hearing is supposed to be 1/2 a day. So the earliest will be noon. Which means I will have to hightail it. Why didn't my grandpa do it on the 29th like he was supposed to?!? But I can't complain to him. 1) He's on a cruise until Sunday 2) He's helped me out so much this past year.

So I'll just keep my fingers crossed and maybe move back the car return until 3 pm or something.

Then I come back on the 28th. Have to go get Ashton from my grandparent's in Victoria on the 29th. Then I take him back to WV on the 1st and fly back down on the 3rd. I'll be wasting a lot of time in WV, where a majority of our friends chose Jeff's side over mine. Silly people.

I've been waiting all day for my lawyer to call me. I guess I could have figured she wouldn't call.

My little sister is 11. And apparently has some guy contacting her telling her he is 17. Mom found the messages, and started texting me at 6:45 am this morning about it. Guess he was telling my sis he loved her and wanted a picture of her. Mom said there was no dirty talk, but that it's obvious he isn't 17 and seemed to be "grooming" my sister. There are some serious creeps out there. But it gives mom another bit of drama to latch onto and drag out for a few more weeks.

Sorry my mother is kinda hard to explain. She thrives on drama. Not that this situation isn't legit and kinda frightening - considering my sister's age. But it will linger until all of us are sick of it and it's over and she's just talking to hear herself talk. I do love my mother. I just greatly lack patience with her after all these years. :) And when we fight it isn't because she's narcissistic and nuts... it's because I'm not a die hard religious nut anymore, or I'm having sex, or something else that I am doing. She is never wrong. Anyway... tangent... lol*



Okay, so I am desperately trying to convince myself to get Ashton's packing started... and maybe deal with the mounds of clean clothes. It's not going so well. I keep distracting myself. And being plum lazy! :P

Time Heals All Wounds

I should hope so! But needless to say bruises may go but scars really like to stick around. Neosporin is a great tool for this. Wish we could dole out some figurative amounts.

So I facebook stalked my ex. Silly me. Just wanted to see what he was using as his profile pic, because we have mutual friends and I saw part of it and it just looked like a sad face. But it wasn't. It was a quizzical face. Hand on his cheek in thought. But then I got to see the pages he joined. And he has joined one called, "You aren't sorry you did it, you're sorry you got caught." What?!?

THAT'S his story?!? Not that he emotionally and better yet physically abused me for 3.5 years. He has the balls to tell people I cheated? Of course he is a liar. And of course he has ALWAYS pulled the sympathy card. And you know, I should've known.

I remember now going to the court hearing back in July and going to the pizza shop to see my former boss. Jay had asked me if I were seeing someone. I told him no... well I wasn't. He said Jeff told him I was. Now say I was... again I was not... how in the haddes would Jeff know. This is also coming from the man who asked me last March if I were now a lesbian. "Yes, yes I am. See what you're abuse did to me?"

Look. Normally I really don't throw him under the bus. If someone asks why we didn't work out I am honest. But it's not one of those things... "My husband beat me! Have sympathy!" Because personally, though it's an awful, foolish time in my life, I know there are women and children that have had far, far worse. And look where I am now? Free. Less than a week away from divorce. Happy as I have been in all my adulthood (starting at about 20). With a new perspective on life and who I am.

Am I bitter? On small occasions. But overall making a really stupid mistake (which if I allow myself I could kick myself for it until kingdom come) only made me stronger as a person. He did not marry a cheat, but I did marry an abuser. Hopefully, now I know better.

Is he bitter? Oh! Most definitely. And his biggest way to get back at me is through our son. And that shows... it absolutely shows... the kind of person he is. He would harm his son and his son's time with his mom just to feel some sort of justification. "My wife left me for another man. And she left me being a single father. I guess I just wasn't good enough for her." And someone, anyone, will stroke that ego. What a mean girl. How awful for you. Can I give you a blow job?

Oooops... okay that bitterness eeked out. Forgive it. Umm... anyway, and no I don't care if he dates. I am practically dating! Just as long as she is smart enough to see what I did not. I don't want him to do to another girl what he did to me. I can't imagine someone else feeling like the walking dead. Loving a man with all her heart and him stomping on it with a very dirty boot. Making her feel... what I felt... what that strange, insecure, forsaken girl I used to know felt.

And let him draw out the sympathy card. Because eventually he is see through. And to be for real, what do I care what people up there think of me. Let them think I screwed the whole WVU football team for all I really care! :D Haha!

So I hope that one day, if only for Ashton's sake, he won't be so bitter and we can have a semi-working relationship. Because though in Ashton's eyes Jeff will be the bad guy if he keeps this up... I don't want that for our son.

Post Date

SORRRRRY!!! I have been SO busy last couple weeks. What with traveling to WV for a divorce court hearing, getting Ashton, lots of driving, work, being sick, etc.

Sooo... the date went amazing! We went to Cheddar's had appetizers and split a margarita. Then we went to Hookah station and smoked hookah and talked until 2 am. Since then we've seen each other twice (he lives in Houston - so about an hour drive) and have plans for him to come to town this weekend and hang out.

Our lives are similar and very complicated. In a little over a week I will be divorced! Eric still has a couple months before his is finalized. So at the moment we are "seeing each other" but not really titling ourselves Boyfriend and Girlfriend.

I met his kiddos this weekend. Our sons fought the whole time! lol* Ashton, I have noticed, has the only child brat syndrome. He has this thing when someone else gets in trouble he points out he's not doing it. Eric will say, "Ryan get your socks on." Ashton chimes in, "My socks are on!" Oh my show off son. :/ lol*

So the hearing went okay. Jeff is a bitter guy. He would rather sell our house then buy me out of it. Sigh, whatever. So I will have to wait for my money. He and my grandpa had an agreement that I could bring Ash back on Feb 1st. He has recanted and says he's going to hold me in contempt. It's 4 days more than 3 weeks!! But there was no chance in changing the tickets. And I refuse to be bullied by him any longer. That's not okay. So let him hold me in contempt. By the time it goes through Ash will be back in his arms and the judge will see that he's being stubborn.

Anyway, I am very sick! I don't know how I am going to get through work in the a.m. - so I am going to catch some zzzssssss...

But suffice to say I am a pretty happy girl! I like a boy. And though we each have very complicated lives atm... it's a good time for us now. Not sure how long it'll last. He texted me tonight and said I wasn't like most girls he knows. "Not so uppity - very chill and wondrous I guess ." :)

Date

Well friends. I, Ashley, have a date tonight! True story.

I met him the other night when I went out (the lovely night I lost my phone). And we have similar stories. We both have kids. Both divorcing. He's 27 and lives in Houston, but often comes to town here. He has a house here. He's graduated with a biology degree (he doesn't use lol*), has a *real* job.

Folks, I am nervous. We spent about an hour and half on the phone together the other day. And we get along really well! He's very cute. Age appropriate (yay me!) and we are about constantly in textland together.

My best friend says I'm giddy and I think she is right. I feel like he popped into my life at a perfect time. And although the kids situation isn't completely desirable... I want to give it a try. I mean since leaving Jeff this is the first guy I have in depth spoken to my mom about. That's just not something that I do.

She was pretty hesitant and said to be careful he may be abusive too. I know she feels responsibility about Jeff, but I hate when she says things like that, because it just makes me feel a guard go up. Safe, yes, but I'm afraid I'll start over-analyzing it all. My rules this go around are my best friends Harmony and Stevie have to approve. They both know me really well and I trust their judgment. :) Yes, I trust their judgment much over my mother's. Stevie is getting her Phd in Psychology for Pete's Sake! Granted *child* psych... hehe*

So yeah, I am giddy, nervous, and don't know what to wear, because he may just meet me at work so I have to wear something cute that can also function in a coffeeshop. Guh-reat!!

We're getting food. I hate eating in front of people! lol* And then we may go out to Northgate or something.

Okay, well I have to do some laundry!!! :-D Any advice? I will appreciate!

Our Garden ~Me

I tried, and I tried, and I tried
And there you came at the perfect moment
To bring this time into perspective
And I will miss it when we know each other better
And the newness wears off
Because the beginning is so exciting
And discovering each of your characteristics is such fun

So tell me when you saw me for the first time
Really saw me for who I was, not just the color of my eyes
Knew apple was my favorite juice
And the color of my giggle against your chest

I could go into hours of dialogue with you
And then we will not know where the minutes got lost
In a paper cup? In a tunnel deep? In the you and the me?

I could sing straight to your bones
Vibrate against your vertebrae.
Tell you the sweet nothings of this life that keeps traveling too quick for us to catch up
Do you like the way we move to the beat of a Russian drum
The sound that brings the world together

The garden growing the shrubs of love, intelligence, and freedom
Is where we take our walks
Where we share our best talks
Hand in hand
Spirit to Spirit
Soul to Soul
Toe to Toe

Don't ever change
Because if you were someone else
We would not have been drawn together
And then we would be apart, still trying to find our own way
Most likely still unhappy
But you make me happy in these few days of learning
But you make me happy with your listening, understanding
In our created garden growing love, intelligence, and freedom