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Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Third time's the Charm

In two weeks my ex-husband will be getting remarried. It is his second engagement in the last year. One year; two engagements. Also both times he had known the girls for no longer than 2 or 3 months before proposing. With a 6-yr-old son I can't help but think this is a bad impression to set for him. My exes insecurities are a flashing reminder of why I am happy I am gone from there.

Living 3 and half years in abusive misery was enough. Better her than me. But being the fact that she is barely 23 and he is about to be 29 I can't help but think she was tricked. How foolish to throw your future at a man after 3 months of knowing him. And poor thing, it is doubtful they are planning a real wedding in a mere two-weeks.

On Thanksgiving my son kept telling everyone of my family on the phone, "Daddy has a new girlfriend, her name is Amber." Literally two days later my ex texts me and says, "I thought I should let you know Amber and I are marrying on the 12th of December."

Your son still refers to her as your *NEW* girlfriend. *NEW* What a buffoon.

He's rushing it so she doesn't have time to change her mind.

I'd laugh if it weren't so pathetic and if it wasn't something to effect my son. Always an innocent bystander to his father's insecurities.

....or an idea that didn't cross my mind... maybe she's pregnant. It is how he trapped me. I already had the escape planned when I found I was pregnant.

But, I wouldn't change getting pregnant. My son is the most special, beautiful, perfect thing I've ever known.


Sunday, October 14, 2012

Misery and Life's Other Loves...

I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing.  ~Agatha Christie

Over the last two weeks I have been miserable. I cried myself to sleep multiple nights. Just cried and cried. Stopped and cried again.

I broke up with my boyfriend nearly a month ago. He works out at the gym where I work, so I see him at least once a week. And I see the pain he feels when he looks at me. That he still loves me and still wants me. And I don't feel the same. 

And I am trying to be a good person, but as I cried daily over various things it felt so easy to pick up my phone and send him a text -- and frankly he'd make it all better. But no.

That is the girl in me.

The human being, the adult, the good person in me made me refrain.

I just wanted to be held. I just wanted to be told it'd all be okay. Just a bump in the road. Just wait it out.

Basically, I really liked being IN a relationship and it was hard to give it up, even though I knew it was the right thing for me to do. So I've been crazy lonely and feeling empty. I always get told I am a pretty girl, but I wish people would see my depth and I feared only he would. And I'd be a divorced-old-maid forever! 

So my love life sucked.
Then my financial situation sucks.
But I thought -- well I still have my job!

After work one day my boss says, Hey Ash come here and sit for a second. He basically tells me my call volume is too low (It's a pain to explain what I do, but basically I make calls for people who are in decline status at our gyms across America and get updated bill info -- along with working front desk and Kids Klub, which is where I am primarily, and I HATE making calls when I have kids I find it neglectful)... and I'm not making enough "clear-ups". He basically gave me three weeks to be better. By the time he leaves for San Antonio.

Now I know if he actually wanted to fire me he would've. He made remarks like I'm a sweet girl, good with the kids, good at front desk, but need to make more of an effort for clear-ups. Ugh! So frustrating. Well, it just hurt my feelings is all. Plus, I have rules I don't call when I have kids 3 and under. And I don't trust the guy that just got demoted from AOM (the guy under my boss) to put call backs in my name. I used to get them all the time, until he came. I told my boss I just felt like my efforts weren't coming through for me. I leave so many messages and no return calls, etc. 

So I went home and cried in the car. Went upstairs to draw a bath before going BACK to work - feelings wounded - only to see on my Facebook Homepage the guy I dated just a year ago is ENGAGED!!!! ENGAGED!!!! It was all I could take. I cried for the next 3 hours until going back to work.

So there you have it! That's been my last two weeks, everything crumbled.

You think that's it? Nope.

Next night after again crying myself to sleep, my roommate comes home. He also happens to be one of my best friends and I love him. He had asked me the last two days to do dishes -- but I'd been working 2 shifts every day and baby-sitting and depressed so going to bed by 10, and just hadn't done them even when I planned to.  He wakes me up around 12:30 midnight and I open the door to tell him to please let me sleep - I had to be up at 6:30 for work. And we end up arguing. We've never argued really. It was surreal. He and I both cried. And I just felt like a shit person. Like I could possibly feel any worse. Like a good option would be to go off and make a google maps request for the closest bridge. Because I LOVVVVVEEEEE my roommate and I don't want his feelings hurt, or think I don't care, or am not happy with where I am in my life. We are both passive aggressive and apparently had pent up anger and it exploded all over the living room floor. Eww... messy! But we ended with hugs, so I think we will be fine! :)

I had no idea he was so mad at me. No idea. I thought it was his job and his latest break-up. No. Just me. And so I stayed up until 3 am just lying in bed crying more. Because I felt like a disappointment in every single aspect of my life. And alone. And miserable.

But. I know "This too shall pass." And like Agatha Christie says, it's better to be alive. Being alive is grand. 

And the next day I made 6 clear ups. So nah! Boss! :)

I know I lack on readers lol because I am an inconsistent Blogger. But *I* feel better now! LoL

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Writer 10/2/12

That wasn't even me who walked into the bookstore and hid in the shadows watching you
But you swear it was
You swear I could be that meek
I amuse you, as well you amuse me
Thinking you're hot stuff every time I come around
Worthy of my stalking
Worthy of a little creeping
But although I am intrigued
I know better than to want you
To trust, is to never know you
And you've made your fickle musings decoration on my wall
So I am not fooled, not this time
And yet....
....yet I beg to give you the benefit of the doubt one last time
Ignore what you're saying to me and concentrate on the movements of your skin against mine

And what is it puppet?
What would you tell me if you weren't so afraid?
Can I please have a little truth splattered on my pie
A little reality stirred in my tea
Tell me you love me, tell me you want only me
Tell me when I was with someone else
You cried over me

Am I just a fool in your latest story
About a gullible blonde
A joke by the water cooler
Or are you thinking of me right now as I pen these words of you
And what am I doing with you, when I only see horror
Because I want to be the girl in your story
I want to be the heroine
I want the readers to root for me
Just a little
Whistle my hero tune on their way to work
Wondering what ever became of the love interest
He could have had if he hadn't been so selfish

But this is just a fantasy, because I am too much reality
Me as real life, you as just a guy
Keeping his distance, because he takes the easy route
But she comes unexpected, and for once he is confused by his own script
The one I am in
The one he can't live without
Though he wants to
He wants to continue eating tacos
And sleeping alone
But I eat away at him
He must write again
Of the blonde heroine
With the blue eyes
Soft skin
Who speaks in riddles and quirks
Who waits patient
Who accepts his crazy
Because she sees the real him

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

You are a Fool

Do you ever just want to walk up to someone, or text, call, email, or maybe even write in big bold letters on their FB wall:

Y O U  A R E  A  F O O L

Knowing realistically it won't change anything. They'll probably shrug you off. Or you'll become water cooler talk about the crazy girl who told them they were fools. 

But nonetheless, it's true. For whatever reason, they are a complete and utter Fool. And you could almost hate them, but if you did it wouldn't nag you that they were a Fool. It only nags you because, well quite bluntly, you give a fuck. You want them to not be a Fool, and to open their eyes to real life. But they never will.

So why are you still trying? Why are you singling out hope that one day they'll lift the dunce cap up over their eyes and see the beautiful thing we call rEaLiTy. 

They probably won't, but if they do it'll be too late. I will have moved on. And when they say, "What did I do? What's wrong?" I will say, "You were stupid." "You were blind." "Your number came up and it read 'Clueless'." "You, my old friend, were a Fool."

And I'm sorry. But you missed out.

Or they won't ever notice. And their foolishness will never be grasped, or felt, or disappointed. And the jester will find something else.

And the girl on the trapeze will just have to take her bar and move on.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

If It's the Way it Has to Be

Your eyes will lay down my soul to sleep
So restfully
Knowing you are happy
And i will stop thinking only of me
I will quit thinking the stars are only mine
Because in this big city they are missing
All I have are the lights beckoning late night planes to land upon them

And I could sing you a lullaby
If it would clear your sweet head
If you would lie yours next to mine
And I could soak in the brown of your eyes
Sliding my fingers in yours
Feeling your lips against my head

I could stare forever at the waves of the ocean
And never get bored
And never forget the salt in the air as I licked my lips
Wishing that the heat would never leave my skin
And you would always be
Always be here waiting beside me

I could ponder the edge of the garden
Where does the planted flower become nothing but dirt
Or a blade of grass?
Whistling nature's tune
Singing only tunes for you
Wishing it was all different
And we would never wake up to find our concern
Still tipsy from the night before
Spinning, grasping, singing,
Happier than we could ever be
Erase these sugar-plum dreams
If you can, if you will
If it's the way it has to be

Post the Fourth

Happy Summer! Happy Belated 4th of July!

Good God this summer is going by crazy fast. I can't believe we are in July. I can't believe I am about to be a year older. And nope, ain't gonna tell you how old!

I just got back a couple weeks ago from a cruise with the family. My grandparents gifted the family a cruise (my first one ever!). So it was my grandparents, Aunt, her husband, my uncle, and three cousins, and myself. Really good time. Nice to spend time with the fam and have the benefit of food 24/7. I often looked at my tummy and called it affectionately my "cruise belly" - I have since lost it again. But good times.

Two days before my birthday now. I mean, if we're being honest, I could have happily skipped adding a number this year! LoL* But I still get asked if I am 20, so I guess I can stand to add another year. :) I will attempt to write a whole getting older, wiser, and a little more solid kind of blog at some point.

I am having a huge birthday bash on Friday, should be interesting to say the least.

I am wiped out. I worked in Kids Klub at work. My FB stat was "So today at work: two kids bullied others (pushing and kicking), a boy made me run several self-made obstacle courses (remember my distaste of running?), a little boy slammed his finger in the door and bled, and then his sister had a random nose bleed... I don't get paid enough for this! LOL"

Fun day. Now to fall into my bed, into a deep sleep. I leave you with Shakespeare...

"To sleep, perchance to dream."

Saturday, June 2, 2012

Hi. Hi! Thought I forgot about Blogger, eh? Well, maybe I did for a bit. Call it blogging amnesia.

Life is different. Still in Houston. LOVE IT!!! Am working at a fitness place, love it also. Went to London a few weeks back. It was glorious! Shopping, sight-seeing, the Opera, Wicked the Musical, some rain, museums... wonderful time.

Me at Westminster Abbey.

I have been writing and put two new poems on my other site, so check them out! http://confessionsofarose84.blogspot.com/

I am actually about to head out and find a gift for my cousin. She graduated HS yesterday and is having a party tonight. Hope all is well, and I shall certainly try and get around to catching up on everyone's life!