Funnily Enough...

...Today has been a hard day for me. It's been a weird day.

Since returning from London I have not had to work, so my life has a seemingly functionless meaning. I mean there are things I need to do, certainly starting Monday, but today I just wanted to work on my room.

While cleaning I was crouching in front of my jewelry case (It's about 4 feet tall) At the floor of it I have two baskets, one has jewelry (it hasn't made it into my jewelry case, because when I lived with Crazy my jewelry case was downstairs & so I kept my well-used stuff in a basket in my room) and the other has hair doo-dads. So I was putting things in it and I grabbed an old picture.

It was my dad.

2 1/2 years old. Blonde. Posing with his arms folded in front of him. Grinning with a missing tooth (I'm assuming he knocked it out... one day I'll ask my Mia if she remembers). His eyes big and obviously blue... the picture is black and white, so maybe it's only obvious because I know.

I was suddenly, undeniably, indescribably, emotional. I sat there dumb-founded. Crying. Real tears I cried. I was taken aback. And then I realized why.

He was beautiful. He was happy. There was no jaded look. His face was straight on, but his eyes looked to the left. I wonder if it was at my Mia. My Mia, his mother, whom he had always loved and had a soft spot for.

This moment. This solitary moment my father was without hurt, without anger. He was innocent. He was sweet. He was... happy & precious. He had no idea... no one did... that Marti (his little sister) would be born with a hole in her heart. That she would die at age 6. That she would die in a surgery that just before he told her he hated her and hoped she'd die. And she did. He was so young &jealous of the attention and had no idea what he was saying.

No one knew this was the future.

No one knew that at age 34, a mere month before 35, my hurting, angry, resentful father would kill himself.

And it hurts my soul. To know that this beautiful 2 1/2 year old would be so jaded that he would of his own free will leave this earth.

The moment of tears lasted only a minute or two, and then I stifled it and put his picture away.

My best friends called me, and we went to lunch. I pretty much forgot about the whole emotional bout.

I ran up to work and got my pay check. Came home and remembered my brother and his friend were supposed to come over and see the apartment. He and his friend want to be my new roommates, when my current ones abandon me in August. So I went back to cleaning.

I started a movie on Net Flix called According to Greta with Hilary Duff. In the description it said something about her coming of age film (yes, this ties into before). So I decide a little light movie that looked interesting would do.

It's about a troubled teen who goes to visit her grandparent's for the Summer - unwillingly. Her neglectful mother is working on her 3rd marriage. She's angry, and morbid. She carries around a little notebook with two lists. 1) A bucket list of what she wants to accomplish before death. 2) Different ways to commit suicide. She often comments that life would be better, easier, if her father were still around.

Mini-spoiler alert (the movie is very worth seeing though the ending is rushed making it a touch cheesy)



Her father was gone from her life because he committed suicide. And she, as a child, walked in on it. Of course! I fall into another crying fit. I mean, really? Out of the thousands of movie choices on netflix I picked this one. I almost picked others, but thought it would be a love drama... not family drama film.

It's heart-wrenching. To think of someone in so much desperation they end it all.

And so emotionally, today has been a weird day.

Coincidentally, my brother and his friend do want to live with me. This should be interesting...