Dad, Missed ~Me

When I think of you it makes me cry
Even after over a decade of you being gone
Your life held so many mysteries to me
Your death will never have those cleared up

And I loved you
Wonder now if I disappointed you
Or would you be proud I made it through without too many bruises

I wish I could've known you in some depth
Could I be a different person if you are still here
Answers left unsaid
Questions left just that, unanswered questions

You left so much behind, could you see it then
As you took your last breath
Was I there, was I ever there?
Somewhere in your mind did you question your decision
As you faded into the afterlife

And I loved you
I still do
You changed my world
But so young I had no idea
Wish for one more day to explain

Gone, gone, long gone
And I will never know you
I wish just to sit with you and talk some Hitler
Talk History, with the elusive man who gave me life
And then took his own

I have you in me
Your eyes, your quiet sensibilities, your reading technique
Your history love, Your fight or flight nature
We could've been allies
We could have had better ties

And I miss you
And I love you
I wish I could have you
One more day
Dad
One more day
To tell you, "Don't"
Dad

Mixed Signals...

Pajamas!!!!

Am I on a two-way radio? There is static on the line.

So originally this post was going to be about how 'work crush' and I seemed to be okay again. We worked together tonight, and I shall in advance apologize, because I am both tired and confused myself, so I may not be completely coherent.

Work started out fine. We were our usual pick-on-each-other selves. He told me a little of how his date went the other day -- seemingly good -- and asked me what I thought... just like we used to before my minor crush got in the way. And I thought, Cool... we can do this. We can be friends.

Then when we were waiting on some customers to decide he teased me about something and I gave him a look, He said, "Don't look at me like that!"

"Like what?"

"Your eyes."

"What, did I hold them to big?" I have rather large eyes as it is... probably a big reason why people think I am younger than I am.

"No, have you read Twilight? They're mesmerizing......... well maybe mesmerizing is going too far."

Okay folks... what?!? My eyes are mesmerizing?!? So awkwardly I started asking if he read the book series... and eventually the indecisive customers ordered. Putting it off further.

He said other odd things throughout the night... and he, his cousin Lacey, and I all talked about sex. Fun times... oh my. LoL*

Now Work Crush tends to tease me, because one night I jokingly said that besides my funnily shaped pinky (it doesn't go straight like normal people's fingers, but has an ever so slight curve inward -- I onl noticed it a few weeks ago, so obviously subtle) I am perfect. So he teases me about perfection and also jokingly puts me down all the time...

So when I was exhausted and doing dishes and just wanting to go home... I carry a load of dishes from the back up front and our paths cross. He says, "This song is how I feel about you." And walked away. Obviously I thought the song was going to be putting down someone, or be comical.

Nope.

It's about why this girl always puts a smile on his face. He gets out of bed everyday just happy to know her.

HUH?!?!?

I. Don't. Know. What. To. Say... or how to interpret that.

So when I see him again my intention is to say, "I never heard that song before. It's a nice sentiment." Okay. I am in hindsight really, really glad I didn't say that! It's sounds stupid. lol*
I said, the first part... never heard it before.

And well, we don't really say anything.

I heard him telling Lacey that he really liked everything about the girl he went out with, so I know there's nothing between us... but c'mon now!! These are some serious mixed signals.

I'm not crazy right?

Oh my Mis-adventures of Crushtown. You would think I'd've moved by now.... :)

Okay, it's 3:30 am and I work at noon. Stupid people kept coming in, so we couldn't close holiday hours of midnight. Grr... grr... grr...

Thanks for reading me Blogger Buddies!

Mr. Prettyface and Abs...

It is definitely a Cancer (zodiac) kinda day for me. I feel like such a loner. I just want to stay in bed all day! Watch movies, clean my room, light candles... Just me, myself, and I. And I suppose until work at 5 pm I can do that. :)

Life is a pretty muddled thing right now. When will people stop throwing out the word, "Love" like it's candy. In the last 48 hours I had a boy tell me (for the second time) that he loved me. I quickly corrected him and told him not to say things he didn't mean. He told me he did mean it. I told him he didn't. Yes, the conversation sounds like two children. And he relented and said, "Okay, I really, really like you." Satisfactory.

Later he told me (again for the second time) he could marry me. I in turn tell him I am marrying my gay friend John and whoever he marries. I preceded to say I don't believe in love, relenting I DO believe, but don't think it is easy to find. And 1st marriage is love (done.) Second is money. And third is stability. He says, and understand he never says anything of merit, "I think you just pulled that oughta your ass. You're just scared."

Hold the phone. Hold. The. Phone. What?!? Boy Toy said that?!? Where has Mr. Prettyface and Abs been hiding Mr. Profound. And damned if I'm a sucker and that shut me right up. Not much later he passed out... but for a glimpse a whole new guy appeared. And frankly my dears I want to talk to that guy.

No, I am not falling for Abs. I can't possibly imagine our lives intervening more than they do. He has the pretty much perfect life and mine is under construction and highly volatile. And he already slipped somewhere into that conversation (before being profound) that I am in love with him. No. Not a chance. I quite well remember Love... I painstakingly remember Love... And I don't think Abs fits into that category. I can't imagine him there. I laid beside him all night trying to picture what that would look like. Nothing. I can't imagine him meeting my family, well maybe my bio-Father's side and my siblings... but I don't think I want anyone to meet my mom until after there are a set of rings on my fingers! Haha.

But he's actually my age this time... woah! And he has a 2-yr-old girl... so we understand each other on a parental level though we rarely talk kid things. And we both dislike our exes and have been screwed over by them. So there are those things.

But mostly I am confused. Because I know it was the booze talking. It had to be. I know he doesn't know enough to love me. He barely knows enough to really, really like me. I think he appreciates that I take care of him. I massage his back. I scratch his back. I deal with his whiny tendencies. Why do I do these things? Love? No. Because I get what I need out of it too. And sometimes that's just taking care of someone... silly cancerian ways. Or a really comfortable bed. Or glimpsing a perfect life. Usually tension relieving with someone who I won't have feelings for.

But we would not make the dream team. We are good at... being... well, sorta-friends with kinda benefits. And I can't adjust to him being Mr. Profound. I'm pretty sure it was a fluke. But now I am curious. lol* And I do like him as a sorta friend... mainly b/c I can't figure him out. I said a lot of mean things that night (I wonder if he remembers lol*) like asking him if he really knew my name... to which he replied, "Oh that's a really attractive question. How would I have you in my phone if I didn't know your name?" "Easy as a nickname, Halo Girl or the wrong name." He does know my name. He just never says it.

"Well, I don't know, you strike me as a kinda guy who may not know."

"Gawd, you're mean!"

I wish I had said, "But you love me!" Haha!

Like I said. I think it's all a fluke. :)

Another Girl...

...is going on my date. LoL*

So my crush told me last night during work he had news. A few months ago, before I could possibly thought I had a crush on him I had given him lots of girl advice and he even asked me to help him figure girls out lol*

So after teasing me about having news and waiting until I couldn't stand it anymore before telling me, and that I should sit down... he told me he had finally gotten the nerve to ask a girl he'd been pestering on a daily basis who lives in his apartment complex out... and the better news? She said Yes!

I pretended my best to be happy and had to listen to him describe the beginnings of his date (we were interrupted by customers and I busied myself with closing duties so I wouldn't have to hear anymore). Basically told her to dress casual and warm. He is preparing a picnic with 60 different types of sandwiches so he's sure to get it right... and taking her to a park. That's as far as he got...

Of course, naturally, I have been down this path SO many times. I've danced down that rabbit hole a time or two. And then it took SO long to close and frankly I just wanted to be home and in bed. we didn't get out until after 3 am.

I know better than to like his type. I know he's too good for me. And he has high standards, so I bet she's fantastic.

So last night I was devastated and I can't be sure how I feel today. A bit removed. A bit disappointed. And certainly not wanting to go to the Christmas Party tonight. lol* But I've said I will, and I will have fun and be a good sport :)

And I happy for him and her. He has been wanting to find someone since at least the summer, so YAY!! But thought I would share with you all. So ironic being only two posts ago when I finally verbalized my crush... such is life! :-D

Needs.

Friends. The people who get you through. Make you laugh when you're down, or just in general. Give the most amazing hugs. And know you better than anyone.
Can I just go ahead and tell you I am SOO thankful for my friends. And I fear sometimes they don't see that. And i don't want to be *that* friend. You know the one that you feel takes you for complete granted. Though, true fact, sometimes I feel unappreciated. And then I have the tragic fear... maybe I'm not under-appreciated, but instead don't give people a reason to appreciate me?

But the other day my bestie was sick and I went over -- took her combination soup with sizzling rice from Chef Cao's, gave her back and head rubs, went to the store got her medicene, dinner, tissues, OJ... and she was really thankful, so I know I pull through sometimes :)

But I guess I don't want to die and no one really be sad. I mean normal sadness when you know someone and they die -- probably. But I am talking about when you feel like something is missing. I think with most my close friends I would feel that.

I don't want to have sauntered through life without touching someone.
I want to feel like my life meant something.
That's important.

Is that crazy of me? One of my friends told me impacting other's life is not as important to her. {But she does impact mine... so it's not a lack of caring... it's just not her main goal} I typically live my life for others. I was conditioned that way. I have a lot of selfish bones in my body, but I was forced to put them aside.

I placated my mom. Always doing what pleased her. I took care of the house and my siblings growing up. I was Parental Unit #3. Bothered me when my folks sarcastically called me that when I was bossing the children. But. When you are changing nearly all the diapers, making bottles, doing bed and bathtime... then well, damnit you ARE Parental Unit #3... so who were they to tell me not to tell the kids what to do... they couldn't pick when and how I should do things, when I was raising them. The little kids, who are now 14 and 11, will tell you how much I taught them. My other brother is 18 and now my best friend ~~ he's most likely tell you how much I hated him lol* He was the perfect child :)

Then I got married. Now wasn't that a kicker? Going from my bossy do-for-me Mother... to a man who wanted a Stepford Wife + His Mother all rolled into one. Yeah, not happening. I look back and that's what he was like. He felt I should do everything for him when he wanted it... what did he have to do for me. Pay the bills. Granted... I appreciate that... and always put notes in his lunch box that said, "Honey, I appreciate you going to a job you hate to provide for our son and me." Did I get notes? No. Did I get verbal thank yous? Rarely. I had to ask for compliments. Aren't you proud of me... Do you like dinner... Are you happy I made...

At least usually he answered appropriately. But I often told him, "The thing I need to feel loved is encouragment when I do right things." Annnnd.... maybe backrubs. lol*

So this year after leaving all that behind (though I moved BACK to the same town as my mom) I decided it was time to be a little more selfish. Not in a horrible way. Not in a mean, or do only for me, way. But just sometimes putting myself first in life. Pampering me. Doing for me. And frankly folks, it's been nice. I can't totally change who I am. I still feel like I need to do for people. I still catch myself saying yes when every part of me wants to say No. Politely of course. lol* :)

It's just a Little Crush...

Ladies and Gentlemen... I have a crush. It totally snuck up on me and I am pretty sure it will go no where... but it is still there.

He is probably the nicest guy I have ever met, and I feel if anything did happen I would corrupt the poor guy. I noticed he had a crush on me about a week and a half ago. But I just liked our joking manner at work. Before he crushed on me he would always ask me advice about girls he liked. And we even made a deal that during the hours we worked together I would teach him what he needed to know about girls. But after that FB convo he never asked me another question or mentioned a girl he liked.

One night we were talking and he said he realizes why he's "mean" (teases mercilessly) is b/c he's afraid of getting hurt. Well, we later clarified he's afraid of putting himself in a position to be hurt. At the time we were a little busy and our conversation kept getting interrupted, but when I went home and went back over the conversation and how during it I asked him a direct question and he tried to get out of it by helping customers. Then I realized OMG he likes me and is talking about why he picks on me... not everyone... and he was trying to tell me in his way and I was oblivious!! And usually when I realize guys have a crush on me I back off slowly... or quickly... but with him... I didn't mind.

So this week we worked together 3 days in a row and there was a lot of subtle flirting. Again, I've been in this position - actually when I worked at the same place when I was 18/19 - and I know nothing will come from it... but I feel so young again and it's kinda fun.

I repeat. He is toooo good for me. But I'm going to enjoy it for what it is.

{oh snap, I was halfway done writing this and realized you read this John and will know my secret!!! Haha!!! But that's okay, since you and I are besties and I know about your crush -- almost told you over fudge, but I feel silly about it - though my text time coulda made it obvious :-P By the way that fudge was awesome... and PLEASE try and switch your sched. for Sunday... maybe James? I'm making candied yams me thinks. First time making it...so hopefully it goes well... okay tangent haha!}

back to my 6 other readers... haha! So yeah, there it is... I have a crush... like a school girl... I need a plaid skirt. :)

Searching for Thought-Provoking Conversation

Hi friends!

Sorry, it's been awhile.

Ashton is home safe and sound with his father. I miss the little guy. I sometimes here noises and think it's him, and I feel my body mold into Mommy-mode before I realize it's not actually happening. :)

There's really nothing too interesting to report in my life. Yesterday, my girls and I went to LaBodega, which is this wonderful mexican fish place... mmm... and had a few drinks. Then we ran off to a hot tub we know and had massage trains and good conversation.

Conversation, which is a dying form of life what with text lingo, is something that is SOOO important to me. And I realized last night while a few of us were having conversations that mean something... how sometimes I want to make people have those kinds of conversations and when they wimp out and don't go "there" with me I get unhappy and want to push them to that place.

I want to make them look past the weather and what team is 0 for 7 and say something meaningful. I watch movies that have diabolical dialogue and think, why can't real world be that way? Why can't we have anger, cry together, breathe together, learn together... why do we continuely shut ourselves in these "dont-ask-questions-that-ruffle-feathers" boxes. It's such a tight squeeze. And I feel so disappointed when I misjudge people for thinkers and it's just a show. OR maybe they are thinkers, but never share that side. And when I get a glimpse that they can and try to pull more out of them -- they shut down. Are my girls and I the only interesting people out there? Surely not! lol*

But where are they hiding. I don't want conversations where they talk to be heard. I want... unique, thought-provoking, makes you really use your noggin, conversation. I would like to feel as though I opened new boxes after a conversation. Is that too much to ask for? :)

Also, a minor plug for my other blog of poetry and dreams and other such nonsense...

http://confessionsofarose84.blogspot.com/

(being kidnapped last night was fun! Sorry for not finishing)

We retraced our steps looking for Ashton's shoe. No where. I'm upset. He's still pouting. I sent the kids up to the customer service desk. They had nothing.

While they were up there I called my best friend, because we were supposed to go see New Moon last night. She said they decided not to see it, since the boys wanted to see something else. And were going to see it on Thanksgiving instead. I said I have to close at 9 pm could we go before that? She said no. They were eating late. So here is is MY movie. I am the one of the three of us who has read all the books. Just like with Harry Potter and after planning to see it with me went without me. Oh and "Where the Wild Things Are". I see a theme a brewing. And I told them before Ash got here to please not go without me. I would find a baby-sitter. So I'm in wal*mart on the brink of angry and feelings hurt tears. And I merely want to crawl in bed and tune out the world. She didn't even seem phased when I was like, "You know it isn't a big deal. I'll just go by myself." "Okay."

We went looking again. Nope, nope, and more nope. Nice 60$ Stride rite's gone. So I had to buy him new shoes. On the remaining unlost shoe I couldn't tell if it said 6.5 or 8.5, so called Jeff. Had to admit to him what happened. That was fun. Believe me.

He talked to Ashton about it. I don't actually remember their conversation, because I was deciding what shoes to get Ashton. But Jeff told Ashton they'd have to go buy him more stride rite's. So I decided just to get him a $9 pair of blue lace ups. No point in me getting him tennis shoes if they are just replacing them. And these can go with non-tennie shoe outfits. Oh and of course he was a chipper little bee after all that. Grabbing the cars I picked out, so excited for them. By the way the Tranformer cars DON'T transform... even though you can see the robot parts that should transform. Siiiiiiiiiiiigh.

We made it out of the store. And went home. I had also gotten All Dogs Go To Heaven and set them up with that. Then ran upstairs to get some alone time.

Eventually, my best friend and her roomie (my other best friend) came and kidnapped me for hot tubbing. Wine, brownies, and hot tubs... what's better? I didn't bring up the movie. Surprisingly, since usually wine does that to me. But also by this time I've decided to go with another friend, so it isn't a big deal. Just sucks, because it meant a lot to see it with them. And I've waited a long time, and kinda something I wanted to share with them. And after the other two movies and begging them not to see it without me.... just pretty much sucks. But whatevs. It's life, right??

New day today, no work, so yay for that! :-D

Happy Thanksgiving folks! My favorite holiday.

Oddly it'll be a year ago tomorrow that I knew I was leaving my ex. Crazy.

1/2 a post :-P

the other night i dreamed my ex was trying to have sex with me. he was pulling me close to his chest. i kept squirming, but he wouldn't let me go. I tried to swallow, but instead i threw up ALL over him! kinda an amusing thing to wake up after. :)

So time with my son has been marvelous. Minus maybe parts of today. Oi! We (my little brother, little sister, Ashton and I) went to Wal*mart today to buy him more wipes and pull-ups (he is getting MUCH better at going on the potty, but refuses pooing on the potty). I had remembered I told him the other day I'd get him a car for being so good. So I took him down that aisle. He didn't want anything I was willing to get him -- of course -- and when I found two transformer cars I just gave up knowing he'd like them later. Everything he wanted was big and bulky... typical man already... bigger is better! I kept telling him that it wouldn't fit on the plane.

So we left that section he in absolute tears. I've learned to ignore his tantrums. We made it to the whole other side of the store before I noticed -- ack! -- that rotten boy had lost his shoe! I asked him why he took it off, his 3 year old answer, "I didn't want it." Cripes! We retraced our steps.

Doh being kidnapped... hot tub time! Finish later.

Death

This week, a friend died. Sally. Until this week I had no idea how much she meant to my brother Dylan. He's 18. A bright, sensitive, wittily sarcastic, stoic young man. He is rather popular here in town.

I have very vaguely touched on the distance I have with my mother. I love her, but I do not as close a bond as I would like to have with someone who should be a motherly figure. The same, I feel, goes for my brother. Though he is a better man than I am and placates her.

The reason I mention this is because I believe Sally was my brother's replacement as a mother. He loved her dearly and in his eulogy to her said several times what a special woman she was. He said that when he first met her he used to refer to her as Stacy's mom, then Mrs. Linder, which turned into Mrs. Sally, and finally he called her Aunt Sally.

One day he was going somewhere with two of her daughters and Sally told him, "Now you take care of my girls." After that he said he came up with his title of being, "Protector of the Linder Household." A name he deemed himself.

Sally had fought and conquered cancer through going into chemo. Last Spring her eldest daughter was getting married. Dylan and Sally were setting up the church the night before the wedding when she said to him, "Dylan, I haven't told the kids yet, or friends, but I want you to know the cancer is back." My brother knew before her own children and most the family. I think only her husband and maybe a very select few knew. But she trusted him with this information.

Sally had made a conscious decision to not go through treatments again, but to live out the remainder of her life. Not everyone agreed with this decision, including at least one daughter, but it was hers to make. She was told she had 1-3 years. And this was sometime in the Spring. So her death came sooner than was anticipated.

My brother also explained in his eulogy that recently Sally told him she had used to work in a daycare when Dylan was about 4 and took care of him. She said, even back then she knew he was a special kid. And in the last 2 and half years that she had been reacquainted with him she saw that he truly was a special young man. He said, "And all of you are here, because Sally was a special woman."

And I sit back an adoring sister. Dylan IS special. He has an amazing heart and it blows my mind on nearly a daily basis. He brings such joy into people's lives... not just Sally's.

And I know I don't have that impact on people. I know that his gift to always make people feel comfortable and happy is such beautiful thing. He has a sincere heart that I wish more people possessed. And through this awful situation he has grown even more.

This year, since I moved home he and I have been closer than we ever were before. I can genuinely say -- about the boy that used to annoy the hell out of me with his perfect attitude -- he is one of my best friends. One of my three best friends. And I am blessed to have him in such a close proximity of my life.

Just Musing Around...

Funny how life works. You think you have it all planned out, but it never works that way. People think they have me figured out, but how can they when only a handful of people actually know me in depth. The others ~ well they get enough of a glimpse to have an idea, but not enough to have more than a few brush strokes of the full picture.

This much I do know, though I fool people a lot of the time, somehow, "Not a Pretty Girl" by Ani Difranco is my song.


I am not a Pretty Girl
That is Not What I Do
I ain't no Damsel in Distress
And I Don't Need to be Rescued
So Put Me Down Punk
Wouldn't you prefer a Maiden Fair
Isn't there a Kitten Stuck in a Tree Somewhere?

Men in general think of me as a pet. A cute, homeless, helpless kitten that needs to be nursed back to life. I'll be honest, maybe I do portray myself that way... I mean no one has as bad luck as me. And though sometimes I want to be taken care of... it's not because I can't take care of myself nor do I want the basis of it to be out of pity.

I don't pity me. I mean sometimes, lately a lot of times, I can get plain old sick of my bad luck. I really feel I need to have a discussion with Karma, because she is being a mean girl. And I think she might be picking on the wrong person. I didn't know we had such a beef. I wish she'd give me a chance to apologize. For whatever it is I've done.

Also, I was thinking today about decisions in life. I started to wonder if I were to go back in time -- knowing all I know about my life -- if I would make the same decisions? Honestly? I think I would make similar. Yes, I would still have married Jeff. I may've went about it differently. I may've put my foot down that we needed to have pre-marital counseling. I might would be right here typing this out all over again. And you may think me crazy... but wait! I have a good reason.

Ashton. I know about him. And although I could've had my Ashton with a decent guy... he wouldn't be *my* Ashton then. I think if events preceded how they did this life I would've left Jeff while pregnant. Hell, I would've left before I found out about my pregnancy and would be miles away with his son in my belly. I could've restarted life then and he'd be in my arms every day and Jeff would have visitation.

I can hardly fathom my life beginning over 3 years ago. Lands, I wasted so much time. And did I really learn that much?? That's the thing... I feel like all I learned would've served me better if I had learned them in those first 6 months of marriage. But of course my pride kept me in that relationship. I didn't want to fail. I don't like to fail. I felt as a "good Christian woman" I should have a happy, loving, perfect marriage... HA! Maybe if I had married myself.

But no, I faked a smile. And pressed through. Now, I've looked at pictures of me. A smile placed on my face... and the saddest eyes I've ever seen. She's foreign to me. I hated myself. I thought if I didn't have him, and my identity as a wife and mother I would be nothing. I was a shallow pond of sorrow and didn't even *grasp* how far I had gone. It wasn't until I was back here and crawling out of the pond that I realized how murky the waters were.

But here I am, devulging up the past. A past that can't be fixed or traded or upgraded. THAT was my life... if you can call it such a thing. Now I just need to find my way out of this limbo. And into a person I like in a situation I like.

But all in all I would endure the hurts, rejection, pain, and sorrow for that little man. I can't imagine any life without him.

Sitting at the bar. Watching as my battery slowly dies. Dr. Pepper finished (I KNOW not coffee... but I work here and have already had my cup when I came in to work @ 10 am). Sipping on ice water. Nothing much going on. Nothing much going on.

I am in reflect mode, which is always... well not always... but many times a fun place to be.

And the musings are not telling me much. I feel like life is going by too quickly and I am not really anywhere I actually want to be. Yet. I feel like waiting for this divorce has just put my life on a major hold, and I am truly, truly ready for it to be over.

But my lawyer... she is awful about returning my emails. Ah! But she has time to send me email forwards. Which is odd of a lawyer anyway. I never send her any ~ just to clarify.

And now my little brother and sister are talking to me on IM. They're 14 and 11. They love me. And mom is making them journal (which I do of my own accord obviously!), so they are bored and sending me messages. Silly kiddos.

Thanksgiving's almost here! :-D My ultimate FAVORITE holiday!! AND better news, I get the kiddo. Pretty excited about that :) I love my little man.

Honestly, HE is reason I still believe in love.

part 2!

So in my head I told myself. 1 year. People kept telling me the first year was the hardest. And in my 21 year old naivety I thought that it meant after a year we would understand each other and the hurt he was putting me through would end.

But life has a funny way of changing those plans. I should've gotten out. I should've went home. But I didn't. And 6 months after we were married, we were expecting a baby. The first two weeks I did little more than cry and stress. Jeffrey was ecstatic. He had wanted a baby even before we got married.

I said at the time I just wasn't ready to be a mother. And I do believe that was true. But think the pregnancy felt like a nail in my coffin called marriage. I admit though, our relationship got better. He was so happy to be a father. He was much less abusive and quit hitting me altogether.

He was still hard on me about the house, but during my pregnancy I was so weak. I passed out many times. So I couldn't do a lot of housework. But that didn't make him help me. We didn't have a dishwasher and I would have to bring a stool to sit on while I did the dishes. I didn't start showing until my 5th month or so.

We were having a boy! Another thing I cried about... was so certain it was going to be a girl. lol* His family was thrilled, and although most all my family told me they wish we had waited they were happy for us too.

Before the pregnancy Jeffrey's mother knew mildly about the abuse. But she never said more to him than, "You really shouldn't do that." They were/are religious and tried to get him back in church, but he was having none of it. Jeffrey's father never knew about what was going on, though I assumed he did. But his mother protected him.

Ashton came that September. A beautiful, perfect baby boy. All of a sudden my life was complete. I had something that had all of my heart. Tiny fingers. Tiny toes. Beautiful big blue eyes like mine. A bundle of perfection.

Jeffrey was happy too. And at first he was 100% there for me. We were a happy family. Though I was utterly exhausted all the time. I never recovered. Slowly, as time went on Jeff did less and less. He had a computer game he was obsessed with. A shooter game and was part of a team. He'd always be on mic when he was home. And it bothered me to ask him anything with people listening to me.

By this time Jeff had a better paying job, but hated it with passion. He was always stressed coming to and from work. And his stress was pushed onto me.

But I loved him. I can't begin to express what love does to a person... which is probably why it scares me so much now. I simply tell people. I was crazy! I lived for a person who saw me as a vacuum, sex, and baby-maker. After we married for some reason he resented me as a person.

I'm not saying it was all bad. It wasn't. Sometimes we played the part of hapy family. All snuggling, watching movies, hanging out with friends. But inside I was empty. A shell. And after Ashton was born I slowly started disaccociating myself with the world. Which hurt and left me lonely. Jeffrey also admitted that the only reason he didn't hit me during my pregnancy was so I didn't lose his baby.

Things with my mother were not better. We fought constantly and she overheard Jeff call her a bitch once and all was let loose! I even had to take her out of my life for a little while, which further isolated me from connections with my family.

New Years - Ashton 3 months old - I decided I wanted to have a party. I cooked and cleaned all day. His family and a few of our friends were coming over. All I had left was to make the cheeseball. And he started yelling at me for not vacuuming the stairs. I told him if he wanted them cleaned so badly he could do them! It was too hard on my back to hold the vacuum up the steep stairs. (When I had Ashton the bed was "broken" and it couldn't be raised high enough, so I was on it wrong and it did something awful to my back). He threw a folding chair at me and more words were exchanged he crossed the room and had his hand on my throat.

When his family and our friends came they asked what was wrong. I was so embarrassed, so I lied and said, "I'm just nervous. This is my first party to throw here and I hope I made enough food." I regret that decision too.

So fast-forward. Ashton grew and we had ups and downs. We had a house built for us and moved out into the country. I thought things had gotten better. But I was highly depressed and put on medication. Towards Fall of last year I didn't go a single day without crying and Ashton was my only realson to get out of bed.

Within a month of each other I lost Mr. Incredible (the afore mentioned cat) and Max our wonderful black lab/pointer puppy we had found. I was devastated.

Then Thanksgiving was the turning point.

We went to his grandparent's, who now lived in our own home, for dinner. We had a great day! We were driving back home and mentally I was thinking about what all needed done at the house. We had been out the last couple days and laundry was backed up and the house was a mess. So I thought I will call mom and let Ashton talk to the family, and my grandma to hear Ashton before I put him down for a nap and then I'd start cleaning. All this was a mental note.

So we get home and I call my Mia (grandma), because my grandpa was still in the hospital for his surgery. While Mia and I talk before I put Ashton on the phone, Jeffrey starts slamming things in the kitchen - obviously mad about the mess - we had just been to his gp's who keep their house lovely... and all decorated for TG... so he was comparing I know. I could tell Mia was hearing him and kept hesiatating. So I put the phone down and tell him he's being an ass and it's rude. He continues his petty fit.

I get off the phone with her. And tear into him. Telling him how rude he is. And she's an old woman (83). I called him an asshole and he crossed the room, had me by my throat, and threw me to the ground. Standing next to me, watching intently, was Ashton. I lost it. I was crying and mumbling. I walked to our bedroom, and then turned on my heel, and like a mad woman walked to him. I am 5'3 106 lbs and he is 6' 190 lbs. I put my hand on his throat without pressure and said, "How do you like it?" He took my hand and was bending my thumb backwards. I knew it would break. I hate pain, but I wish I had let him. I wiggled it away.

That day I died inside. I was literally a walking, breathing dead person. It hurts me know to even remember that feeling. That nothingness.

It was time to leave. That week I called and told my mother the truth. I don't think I've ever shed so many tears in all my life.

We got into counseling because I "needed it". Or so he said. He didn't have a problem. If I just didn't yell. But the couselor was a Christian counselor and didn't give us what I felt we needed. She went as far as to say she wouldn't counsel us through divorce. She felt it was a sin. Bogus.

I tried. But things had gone too far. And so Jan 31st 2009 I left. I moved home to Texas.

Unfortunately, I was told if I took Ashton over the state lines it would be conjured as kidnapping... later I found out that was false. But the backwards state of West Virginia (and forgive me if you are from there) will not let my son leave the state with me for permenant custody. So Jeffrey automatically gets him and I visitation.

It's been a rough 10 months. But I have grown so much. And learned so much about myself. And had many firsts this year. And I'm happy to say I made the right decision leaving and getting new life. And it hurts my soul not to have my son, when for so long I was a SAHM, and spent every moment with him. But he's a happy kid. And I trust all things to work out for the good. :)

Tonight I have decided to get brutally honest. No more hiding behind a facade. Which is very fitting on this Halloween night. All of us at one time or another place a mask over our face. Even if it's a simple, "I'm fine" when in reality we want to burst into tears, or lock ourselves in a closet for eternity.

I have felt since a young age that bad things happened to me, so that I could have empathy for others. So that one day I might help someone else who is also hurting, more than likely in a deeper way than me. But now, at 25, I look around and see so little that I have helped. So little I have accomplished. And that is why I started this blog. To offer support to other women who have been or are in the situation I was in.

I was a young naive 19 year old. He was the same. We attended the same college. The first thing I thought when I was introduced to him was, "Gosh he has the prettiest eyes I have ever seen." And so a crush was born. After that my roommate and I would go over to his frat house, we went to a very small Christian university here in Texas, to watch movies. Another friend, Jennie, would accompany us sometimes. I confided in her that I had a huge crush on the boy, Jeff.

I wasn't good with letting people know I was interested. I had never had a boyfriend just about two serious crushes. So what I felt were obvious attempts at flirtation seemed to not be. I arrived at Chapel one day to discover from my roommate that Jennie and Jeff were dating. They dated off and on for that full semester. My heart continually being crushed when they'd get back together.

But after the Christmas holidays things were over completely for them. He and I were able to become friends again. And on February 7th we were a couple. He adored me. I adored him. We were happy and inseparable. Within 3 weeks he told me he was in love with me. I didn't return it for a few weeks.

Within three months of dating we knew we were madly in love and were going to get married. In a hotel on our way home driving back from his parent's in WV we both lost our virginity. It made us even closer and life was never the same.

My parent's had their reserves. And when Jeff asked their permission my step-dad gave it, and then withdrew it a week or so later. Of course I blamed my mom. She is a whole other story, but at the time I did not trust any of her judgment, because she was crazy. It's tough to explain right now, but someday I can fill y'all in on her story.

But Jeff proposed anyway. My parent's refused to go to the wedding, so my grandparent's had it at their church. In May of '05 we were married.

During the months of engagement, despite my intense hesitation, Jeff and his mother talked me in to moving up to WV. I knew I wouldn't like it, but his family had been much more welcoming towards me to come into their family, than mine to Jeff. And I was promised better job opportunities, since many up there do not have but maybe high school educations. And of course it is cheaper to live there. So after much convincing I said, yes.

In June after being hectically married a month we made the move to West Virginia. Jeffrey, myself, and our beautiful orange tabby, Mr. Incredible. It was cheaper to live. We had a two story house (bottom story a fully finished basement) for only $400 a month. But the job thing was not as easy. It took me 4 or 5 months to find a job, and even that one wasn't steady, though I enjoyed it.

In July, a mere two months after we wed the abuse started happening. Jeff's anger took a whole new spin I had never seen, and I wonder if he had ever seen it before then either? Many times I would try to sleep in our extra bedroom. Feeling like I had never cried so hard in my life.

It's funny when you love someone so much. It's as though you really are blind. I would think after each abuse I would call my grandparent's in the morning and get a flight home. But he would come in and apologize, and no matter how many Lifetime movies I'd seen I fell for it. Mostly, because I wanted to. I wanted to believe he loved me, and we would get through this.

People (without knowing the full situation... only that we argued a lot) would tell me, "The first year is the hardest." So I vowed 1 year to him. I tried to get us in counseling. But we only had 2 sessions. And the second he called me a whore for liking the show Sex and the City, so I wouldn't come out of the room.

The shoving and verbal abuse continued. He wanted the house perfect, so much pressure on me. One night he tackled me like a football player. I think if I had been standing on the outside of my body it might would've looked comical. He would slam the brakes if we were arguing in the car and he wanted me to shut up. He would call me stupid.

My relationship with my mother was incredible damaged. I was stubborn and could not fathom talking to her about anything. I couldn't admit I had been wrong.

In hindsight how much clearer the world is.

Because of the length stay tuned for part 2 :)

Today at work my favorite couple came in. I work at a coffee shop. And we have this couple that come in about everyday. The man is kinda nerdy looking... kinda reminds me of a timid bird. His wife is the most southern and sweetest woman ever. Always refers to me as Honey and sweet.

Every day he comes in and gets a small snickers latte with whip (but no sprinkles or chocolate syrup) his wife normally gets a small hot tea, and a muffin or scone. They just brighten up my day. He loves her so much and really who wouldn't? It's like being able to not love Paula Dean!! She sounds just like her.

I don't know much about them. I do know she plays piano for weddings and funerals. I know they love each other and he always looks at her like he'd do anything for her and wants to take care of her. It's beautiful. It's simple. What life should look like.

So they, or at least the tiny bit of their life that is shared with me, are a good example of how love should look. And something I suppose when it comes down to it I strive for. Love is something I struggle with, because there is so much involvement in life that to unselfishly give your love away isn't easy. It isn't for the faint of heart.

And I know my heart is beating, but sometimes I wonder how strongly.

Are You Worth It?

So this year I picked up the role of "Single" again. It's been weird being thrust into this world after my 5+ year absence. It's all new. I'm older now, hopefully wiser, but dating was never something I was good at or enjoyed. And now here I am trying to keep my head above water... and just learn to be me... whoever that is. :)

How do you people do it? Any advice for a newly single gal in a world where men either want to fall in love in 5 minutes or fall asleep next to you after a sex session on the first night? lol* Or sometimes they even want both.

I'm kinda excited about new life. I just need to find a way to stop attracting Momma's boys and Assh*les... I met a woman recently that said she has a gravitational pull to control freaks. I think I have that problem with the aforementioned men.

But I won't give up! I will be out there, but maybe just for fun for awhile... until something worth wild comes around.

My new feelings in life is only date someone who is worth a broken heart.

Today's thoughts - Men!

Men... fix yourselves! :)

If you aren't single, don't pretend. It's okay to be a taken man. And if you are taken and want to play... stop being taken. DUH!

Okay, so here's the story. Met a guy on a plane bringing my son back to Texas from his father's. I didn't find him attractive, but he seemed nice enough. We had good conversation, and watched most of a movie together. He was a car salesman. I shoulda known (sorry mean streotype... but kinda funny!)

I am in the process of thinking about moving to PA so I can be closer to my son. So when he asked if we could be MySpace friends I thought sure... b/c then if i move I will know one person. We parted in Houston. A few days later I looked for him on MySpace and couldn't find him, so I txted him asking where he was on myspace. He wrote back and said he'd find me and add me.

He did and we kept txting a couple times. He asked when I was returning my son and we should hang out. I said maybe... Just depended. But the day before I went up there he called me and tried to coordinate hanging out. It required a lot of driving and would put me further from the airport then I liked, but I still told him maybe.

The next day after the flight, renting car, and returning Ashton... I knew I just wanted to find a hotel and sleep. So I cancelled with him. He kept txting me kinda lewd texts, but I didn't really reply in turn.

When I got back to Houston he told me that his ex girlfriend had hacked his MySpace, so if I got any weird messages to ignore them. Referred to her as a crazy bitch, etc. And how he hated drama.

There was a message in my inbox from a girl telling me she was best friends with his girlfriend's daughter. She asked if we really met on a plane, and if we had hooked up, if he was texting me and so forth. I answered, yes we met on a plane, no we never hooked up, we were texting, and he told me he was single with an ex girlfriend. After she and I wrote back a couple times and I told her to please apologize to the girlfriend for me, because I had no idea - the girlfriend wrote me. And she was GORGEOUS!!! He is a fool to have even tried to hook up with me, when he has her!

So men! And women! If you aren't happy in your relationship then don't be in it! But if you stay be committed. Don't try hooking up with some girl on your plane. It's lame and pathetic. And referring to a woman that you are dating (not broken up with) as a crazy bitch. It's impolite.

And if you are in her place and no what's going on, please don't stay. No man or woman is worth a continual broken heart. Be strong. Be independent. And get someone who will love you! For you! And not try to fulfill their need in other ways.

Generally Speaking:

Life is about compromise. It's a beautiful thing, but not always an easy thing to accomplish. Sometimes we are like children stomping our feet right and left; wanting nothing but our own way. Selfishness runs ramped in the streets of the human race. Is there a way to overcome these struggles with our inner soul? Maybe, could be, we won't know until we take a deep breath and...

Compromise.

Pick your battles. How often have we heard that? So often that it just sounds like a bit of noise fluttering around the contours of our minds? Scratching like a dog with fleas, but not necessarily helping the itch. Why? Because we refuse to take the plunge and give in to our partner.

It's easy to live for ourselves, but every now and then putting someone first feels good. :)

Online Dating: Fatal to the Ego

It's all the craze now. Online dating... meeting people at the convenience of your couch in your pajamas. And all you need to add are a few minor details of your life and get your compatibility results in a matter of minutes. But how do you know what you are actually getting into? You don't simply, it's hit and miss, and as humans we very easily mold who we are to fit what "they" want.

Unfortunately, there are the people out there who are nothing but pretenders. They show you a side that makes you believe they are kind, wonderful understanding... but it's all a facade and in truth they are self-obsessed jerks waiting for a nice person to come along fill their ego meter up and then explode it and all its gross bitterness all over you. Hopefully, you aren't in public when the explosion happens.

It's amazing how these people operate, smooth talking. But I always wonder why we don't see it coming. When they endlessly just talk about themselves and have you tell them how great they are. Watch out when they ask you to rate them 1-100. Don't say 85, it rubs them the wrong way. Try 69, maybe that's more up their alley.

Potential daters shouldn't need their ego stroked and petted like a newborn pup... at least not when they are only looking for conformation. Steer clear ladies and gents! These players are not looking for anything more than someone to pooey on. Maybe their bored, perhaps lonely, maybe they feel bad about themselves, are maybe they just get off on it. Either way, it is not your duty and certainly not your privilege to have to deal with their issues. Run away! Let them find someone else to dump on. You will never get the satisfaction from them, rather they will only go to hurt your own ego. Or at the very least rattle your last nerve with their stupidity.

Now, let me turn this around a little. There are plenty of happy love stories with online dating. It isn't the worst thing in the world. There are genuine people out there truly looking for a budding romance. But just be aware of the tell-tale signs. Protect your heart and your head from needless headaches by seeing through the lines and stupidity.

Don't, above all things, try to reason with them! They are children trapped in adult bodies and think that since they are "adults" they are right. You can't make sense to an unreasonable person, and someone with an inflated ego has no potential to grow and learn and develop. By 24 you are what you are. Your brain is done developing, so you get what you get.

Don't be detered from online dating though, my friends! Just be smart about it. Don't fall for lines and when someone starts showing their true colors just "walk" away. You don't need their baggage!

Good luck!