Needs.

Friends. The people who get you through. Make you laugh when you're down, or just in general. Give the most amazing hugs. And know you better than anyone.
Can I just go ahead and tell you I am SOO thankful for my friends. And I fear sometimes they don't see that. And i don't want to be *that* friend. You know the one that you feel takes you for complete granted. Though, true fact, sometimes I feel unappreciated. And then I have the tragic fear... maybe I'm not under-appreciated, but instead don't give people a reason to appreciate me?

But the other day my bestie was sick and I went over -- took her combination soup with sizzling rice from Chef Cao's, gave her back and head rubs, went to the store got her medicene, dinner, tissues, OJ... and she was really thankful, so I know I pull through sometimes :)

But I guess I don't want to die and no one really be sad. I mean normal sadness when you know someone and they die -- probably. But I am talking about when you feel like something is missing. I think with most my close friends I would feel that.

I don't want to have sauntered through life without touching someone.
I want to feel like my life meant something.
That's important.

Is that crazy of me? One of my friends told me impacting other's life is not as important to her. {But she does impact mine... so it's not a lack of caring... it's just not her main goal} I typically live my life for others. I was conditioned that way. I have a lot of selfish bones in my body, but I was forced to put them aside.

I placated my mom. Always doing what pleased her. I took care of the house and my siblings growing up. I was Parental Unit #3. Bothered me when my folks sarcastically called me that when I was bossing the children. But. When you are changing nearly all the diapers, making bottles, doing bed and bathtime... then well, damnit you ARE Parental Unit #3... so who were they to tell me not to tell the kids what to do... they couldn't pick when and how I should do things, when I was raising them. The little kids, who are now 14 and 11, will tell you how much I taught them. My other brother is 18 and now my best friend ~~ he's most likely tell you how much I hated him lol* He was the perfect child :)

Then I got married. Now wasn't that a kicker? Going from my bossy do-for-me Mother... to a man who wanted a Stepford Wife + His Mother all rolled into one. Yeah, not happening. I look back and that's what he was like. He felt I should do everything for him when he wanted it... what did he have to do for me. Pay the bills. Granted... I appreciate that... and always put notes in his lunch box that said, "Honey, I appreciate you going to a job you hate to provide for our son and me." Did I get notes? No. Did I get verbal thank yous? Rarely. I had to ask for compliments. Aren't you proud of me... Do you like dinner... Are you happy I made...

At least usually he answered appropriately. But I often told him, "The thing I need to feel loved is encouragment when I do right things." Annnnd.... maybe backrubs. lol*

So this year after leaving all that behind (though I moved BACK to the same town as my mom) I decided it was time to be a little more selfish. Not in a horrible way. Not in a mean, or do only for me, way. But just sometimes putting myself first in life. Pampering me. Doing for me. And frankly folks, it's been nice. I can't totally change who I am. I still feel like I need to do for people. I still catch myself saying yes when every part of me wants to say No. Politely of course. lol* :)