Just Musing Around...

Funny how life works. You think you have it all planned out, but it never works that way. People think they have me figured out, but how can they when only a handful of people actually know me in depth. The others ~ well they get enough of a glimpse to have an idea, but not enough to have more than a few brush strokes of the full picture.

This much I do know, though I fool people a lot of the time, somehow, "Not a Pretty Girl" by Ani Difranco is my song.


I am not a Pretty Girl
That is Not What I Do
I ain't no Damsel in Distress
And I Don't Need to be Rescued
So Put Me Down Punk
Wouldn't you prefer a Maiden Fair
Isn't there a Kitten Stuck in a Tree Somewhere?

Men in general think of me as a pet. A cute, homeless, helpless kitten that needs to be nursed back to life. I'll be honest, maybe I do portray myself that way... I mean no one has as bad luck as me. And though sometimes I want to be taken care of... it's not because I can't take care of myself nor do I want the basis of it to be out of pity.

I don't pity me. I mean sometimes, lately a lot of times, I can get plain old sick of my bad luck. I really feel I need to have a discussion with Karma, because she is being a mean girl. And I think she might be picking on the wrong person. I didn't know we had such a beef. I wish she'd give me a chance to apologize. For whatever it is I've done.

Also, I was thinking today about decisions in life. I started to wonder if I were to go back in time -- knowing all I know about my life -- if I would make the same decisions? Honestly? I think I would make similar. Yes, I would still have married Jeff. I may've went about it differently. I may've put my foot down that we needed to have pre-marital counseling. I might would be right here typing this out all over again. And you may think me crazy... but wait! I have a good reason.

Ashton. I know about him. And although I could've had my Ashton with a decent guy... he wouldn't be *my* Ashton then. I think if events preceded how they did this life I would've left Jeff while pregnant. Hell, I would've left before I found out about my pregnancy and would be miles away with his son in my belly. I could've restarted life then and he'd be in my arms every day and Jeff would have visitation.

I can hardly fathom my life beginning over 3 years ago. Lands, I wasted so much time. And did I really learn that much?? That's the thing... I feel like all I learned would've served me better if I had learned them in those first 6 months of marriage. But of course my pride kept me in that relationship. I didn't want to fail. I don't like to fail. I felt as a "good Christian woman" I should have a happy, loving, perfect marriage... HA! Maybe if I had married myself.

But no, I faked a smile. And pressed through. Now, I've looked at pictures of me. A smile placed on my face... and the saddest eyes I've ever seen. She's foreign to me. I hated myself. I thought if I didn't have him, and my identity as a wife and mother I would be nothing. I was a shallow pond of sorrow and didn't even *grasp* how far I had gone. It wasn't until I was back here and crawling out of the pond that I realized how murky the waters were.

But here I am, devulging up the past. A past that can't be fixed or traded or upgraded. THAT was my life... if you can call it such a thing. Now I just need to find my way out of this limbo. And into a person I like in a situation I like.

But all in all I would endure the hurts, rejection, pain, and sorrow for that little man. I can't imagine any life without him.