Dad, Missed ~Me

When I think of you it makes me cry
Even after over a decade of you being gone
Your life held so many mysteries to me
Your death will never have those cleared up

And I loved you
Wonder now if I disappointed you
Or would you be proud I made it through without too many bruises

I wish I could've known you in some depth
Could I be a different person if you are still here
Answers left unsaid
Questions left just that, unanswered questions

You left so much behind, could you see it then
As you took your last breath
Was I there, was I ever there?
Somewhere in your mind did you question your decision
As you faded into the afterlife

And I loved you
I still do
You changed my world
But so young I had no idea
Wish for one more day to explain

Gone, gone, long gone
And I will never know you
I wish just to sit with you and talk some Hitler
Talk History, with the elusive man who gave me life
And then took his own

I have you in me
Your eyes, your quiet sensibilities, your reading technique
Your history love, Your fight or flight nature
We could've been allies
We could have had better ties

And I miss you
And I love you
I wish I could have you
One more day
Dad
One more day
To tell you, "Don't"
Dad

Mixed Signals...

Pajamas!!!!

Am I on a two-way radio? There is static on the line.

So originally this post was going to be about how 'work crush' and I seemed to be okay again. We worked together tonight, and I shall in advance apologize, because I am both tired and confused myself, so I may not be completely coherent.

Work started out fine. We were our usual pick-on-each-other selves. He told me a little of how his date went the other day -- seemingly good -- and asked me what I thought... just like we used to before my minor crush got in the way. And I thought, Cool... we can do this. We can be friends.

Then when we were waiting on some customers to decide he teased me about something and I gave him a look, He said, "Don't look at me like that!"

"Like what?"

"Your eyes."

"What, did I hold them to big?" I have rather large eyes as it is... probably a big reason why people think I am younger than I am.

"No, have you read Twilight? They're mesmerizing......... well maybe mesmerizing is going too far."

Okay folks... what?!? My eyes are mesmerizing?!? So awkwardly I started asking if he read the book series... and eventually the indecisive customers ordered. Putting it off further.

He said other odd things throughout the night... and he, his cousin Lacey, and I all talked about sex. Fun times... oh my. LoL*

Now Work Crush tends to tease me, because one night I jokingly said that besides my funnily shaped pinky (it doesn't go straight like normal people's fingers, but has an ever so slight curve inward -- I onl noticed it a few weeks ago, so obviously subtle) I am perfect. So he teases me about perfection and also jokingly puts me down all the time...

So when I was exhausted and doing dishes and just wanting to go home... I carry a load of dishes from the back up front and our paths cross. He says, "This song is how I feel about you." And walked away. Obviously I thought the song was going to be putting down someone, or be comical.

Nope.

It's about why this girl always puts a smile on his face. He gets out of bed everyday just happy to know her.

HUH?!?!?

I. Don't. Know. What. To. Say... or how to interpret that.

So when I see him again my intention is to say, "I never heard that song before. It's a nice sentiment." Okay. I am in hindsight really, really glad I didn't say that! It's sounds stupid. lol*
I said, the first part... never heard it before.

And well, we don't really say anything.

I heard him telling Lacey that he really liked everything about the girl he went out with, so I know there's nothing between us... but c'mon now!! These are some serious mixed signals.

I'm not crazy right?

Oh my Mis-adventures of Crushtown. You would think I'd've moved by now.... :)

Okay, it's 3:30 am and I work at noon. Stupid people kept coming in, so we couldn't close holiday hours of midnight. Grr... grr... grr...

Thanks for reading me Blogger Buddies!

Mr. Prettyface and Abs...

It is definitely a Cancer (zodiac) kinda day for me. I feel like such a loner. I just want to stay in bed all day! Watch movies, clean my room, light candles... Just me, myself, and I. And I suppose until work at 5 pm I can do that. :)

Life is a pretty muddled thing right now. When will people stop throwing out the word, "Love" like it's candy. In the last 48 hours I had a boy tell me (for the second time) that he loved me. I quickly corrected him and told him not to say things he didn't mean. He told me he did mean it. I told him he didn't. Yes, the conversation sounds like two children. And he relented and said, "Okay, I really, really like you." Satisfactory.

Later he told me (again for the second time) he could marry me. I in turn tell him I am marrying my gay friend John and whoever he marries. I preceded to say I don't believe in love, relenting I DO believe, but don't think it is easy to find. And 1st marriage is love (done.) Second is money. And third is stability. He says, and understand he never says anything of merit, "I think you just pulled that oughta your ass. You're just scared."

Hold the phone. Hold. The. Phone. What?!? Boy Toy said that?!? Where has Mr. Prettyface and Abs been hiding Mr. Profound. And damned if I'm a sucker and that shut me right up. Not much later he passed out... but for a glimpse a whole new guy appeared. And frankly my dears I want to talk to that guy.

No, I am not falling for Abs. I can't possibly imagine our lives intervening more than they do. He has the pretty much perfect life and mine is under construction and highly volatile. And he already slipped somewhere into that conversation (before being profound) that I am in love with him. No. Not a chance. I quite well remember Love... I painstakingly remember Love... And I don't think Abs fits into that category. I can't imagine him there. I laid beside him all night trying to picture what that would look like. Nothing. I can't imagine him meeting my family, well maybe my bio-Father's side and my siblings... but I don't think I want anyone to meet my mom until after there are a set of rings on my fingers! Haha.

But he's actually my age this time... woah! And he has a 2-yr-old girl... so we understand each other on a parental level though we rarely talk kid things. And we both dislike our exes and have been screwed over by them. So there are those things.

But mostly I am confused. Because I know it was the booze talking. It had to be. I know he doesn't know enough to love me. He barely knows enough to really, really like me. I think he appreciates that I take care of him. I massage his back. I scratch his back. I deal with his whiny tendencies. Why do I do these things? Love? No. Because I get what I need out of it too. And sometimes that's just taking care of someone... silly cancerian ways. Or a really comfortable bed. Or glimpsing a perfect life. Usually tension relieving with someone who I won't have feelings for.

But we would not make the dream team. We are good at... being... well, sorta-friends with kinda benefits. And I can't adjust to him being Mr. Profound. I'm pretty sure it was a fluke. But now I am curious. lol* And I do like him as a sorta friend... mainly b/c I can't figure him out. I said a lot of mean things that night (I wonder if he remembers lol*) like asking him if he really knew my name... to which he replied, "Oh that's a really attractive question. How would I have you in my phone if I didn't know your name?" "Easy as a nickname, Halo Girl or the wrong name." He does know my name. He just never says it.

"Well, I don't know, you strike me as a kinda guy who may not know."

"Gawd, you're mean!"

I wish I had said, "But you love me!" Haha!

Like I said. I think it's all a fluke. :)

Another Girl...

...is going on my date. LoL*

So my crush told me last night during work he had news. A few months ago, before I could possibly thought I had a crush on him I had given him lots of girl advice and he even asked me to help him figure girls out lol*

So after teasing me about having news and waiting until I couldn't stand it anymore before telling me, and that I should sit down... he told me he had finally gotten the nerve to ask a girl he'd been pestering on a daily basis who lives in his apartment complex out... and the better news? She said Yes!

I pretended my best to be happy and had to listen to him describe the beginnings of his date (we were interrupted by customers and I busied myself with closing duties so I wouldn't have to hear anymore). Basically told her to dress casual and warm. He is preparing a picnic with 60 different types of sandwiches so he's sure to get it right... and taking her to a park. That's as far as he got...

Of course, naturally, I have been down this path SO many times. I've danced down that rabbit hole a time or two. And then it took SO long to close and frankly I just wanted to be home and in bed. we didn't get out until after 3 am.

I know better than to like his type. I know he's too good for me. And he has high standards, so I bet she's fantastic.

So last night I was devastated and I can't be sure how I feel today. A bit removed. A bit disappointed. And certainly not wanting to go to the Christmas Party tonight. lol* But I've said I will, and I will have fun and be a good sport :)

And I happy for him and her. He has been wanting to find someone since at least the summer, so YAY!! But thought I would share with you all. So ironic being only two posts ago when I finally verbalized my crush... such is life! :-D

Needs.

Friends. The people who get you through. Make you laugh when you're down, or just in general. Give the most amazing hugs. And know you better than anyone.
Can I just go ahead and tell you I am SOO thankful for my friends. And I fear sometimes they don't see that. And i don't want to be *that* friend. You know the one that you feel takes you for complete granted. Though, true fact, sometimes I feel unappreciated. And then I have the tragic fear... maybe I'm not under-appreciated, but instead don't give people a reason to appreciate me?

But the other day my bestie was sick and I went over -- took her combination soup with sizzling rice from Chef Cao's, gave her back and head rubs, went to the store got her medicene, dinner, tissues, OJ... and she was really thankful, so I know I pull through sometimes :)

But I guess I don't want to die and no one really be sad. I mean normal sadness when you know someone and they die -- probably. But I am talking about when you feel like something is missing. I think with most my close friends I would feel that.

I don't want to have sauntered through life without touching someone.
I want to feel like my life meant something.
That's important.

Is that crazy of me? One of my friends told me impacting other's life is not as important to her. {But she does impact mine... so it's not a lack of caring... it's just not her main goal} I typically live my life for others. I was conditioned that way. I have a lot of selfish bones in my body, but I was forced to put them aside.

I placated my mom. Always doing what pleased her. I took care of the house and my siblings growing up. I was Parental Unit #3. Bothered me when my folks sarcastically called me that when I was bossing the children. But. When you are changing nearly all the diapers, making bottles, doing bed and bathtime... then well, damnit you ARE Parental Unit #3... so who were they to tell me not to tell the kids what to do... they couldn't pick when and how I should do things, when I was raising them. The little kids, who are now 14 and 11, will tell you how much I taught them. My other brother is 18 and now my best friend ~~ he's most likely tell you how much I hated him lol* He was the perfect child :)

Then I got married. Now wasn't that a kicker? Going from my bossy do-for-me Mother... to a man who wanted a Stepford Wife + His Mother all rolled into one. Yeah, not happening. I look back and that's what he was like. He felt I should do everything for him when he wanted it... what did he have to do for me. Pay the bills. Granted... I appreciate that... and always put notes in his lunch box that said, "Honey, I appreciate you going to a job you hate to provide for our son and me." Did I get notes? No. Did I get verbal thank yous? Rarely. I had to ask for compliments. Aren't you proud of me... Do you like dinner... Are you happy I made...

At least usually he answered appropriately. But I often told him, "The thing I need to feel loved is encouragment when I do right things." Annnnd.... maybe backrubs. lol*

So this year after leaving all that behind (though I moved BACK to the same town as my mom) I decided it was time to be a little more selfish. Not in a horrible way. Not in a mean, or do only for me, way. But just sometimes putting myself first in life. Pampering me. Doing for me. And frankly folks, it's been nice. I can't totally change who I am. I still feel like I need to do for people. I still catch myself saying yes when every part of me wants to say No. Politely of course. lol* :)

It's just a Little Crush...

Ladies and Gentlemen... I have a crush. It totally snuck up on me and I am pretty sure it will go no where... but it is still there.

He is probably the nicest guy I have ever met, and I feel if anything did happen I would corrupt the poor guy. I noticed he had a crush on me about a week and a half ago. But I just liked our joking manner at work. Before he crushed on me he would always ask me advice about girls he liked. And we even made a deal that during the hours we worked together I would teach him what he needed to know about girls. But after that FB convo he never asked me another question or mentioned a girl he liked.

One night we were talking and he said he realizes why he's "mean" (teases mercilessly) is b/c he's afraid of getting hurt. Well, we later clarified he's afraid of putting himself in a position to be hurt. At the time we were a little busy and our conversation kept getting interrupted, but when I went home and went back over the conversation and how during it I asked him a direct question and he tried to get out of it by helping customers. Then I realized OMG he likes me and is talking about why he picks on me... not everyone... and he was trying to tell me in his way and I was oblivious!! And usually when I realize guys have a crush on me I back off slowly... or quickly... but with him... I didn't mind.

So this week we worked together 3 days in a row and there was a lot of subtle flirting. Again, I've been in this position - actually when I worked at the same place when I was 18/19 - and I know nothing will come from it... but I feel so young again and it's kinda fun.

I repeat. He is toooo good for me. But I'm going to enjoy it for what it is.

{oh snap, I was halfway done writing this and realized you read this John and will know my secret!!! Haha!!! But that's okay, since you and I are besties and I know about your crush -- almost told you over fudge, but I feel silly about it - though my text time coulda made it obvious :-P By the way that fudge was awesome... and PLEASE try and switch your sched. for Sunday... maybe James? I'm making candied yams me thinks. First time making it...so hopefully it goes well... okay tangent haha!}

back to my 6 other readers... haha! So yeah, there it is... I have a crush... like a school girl... I need a plaid skirt. :)

Searching for Thought-Provoking Conversation

Hi friends!

Sorry, it's been awhile.

Ashton is home safe and sound with his father. I miss the little guy. I sometimes here noises and think it's him, and I feel my body mold into Mommy-mode before I realize it's not actually happening. :)

There's really nothing too interesting to report in my life. Yesterday, my girls and I went to LaBodega, which is this wonderful mexican fish place... mmm... and had a few drinks. Then we ran off to a hot tub we know and had massage trains and good conversation.

Conversation, which is a dying form of life what with text lingo, is something that is SOOO important to me. And I realized last night while a few of us were having conversations that mean something... how sometimes I want to make people have those kinds of conversations and when they wimp out and don't go "there" with me I get unhappy and want to push them to that place.

I want to make them look past the weather and what team is 0 for 7 and say something meaningful. I watch movies that have diabolical dialogue and think, why can't real world be that way? Why can't we have anger, cry together, breathe together, learn together... why do we continuely shut ourselves in these "dont-ask-questions-that-ruffle-feathers" boxes. It's such a tight squeeze. And I feel so disappointed when I misjudge people for thinkers and it's just a show. OR maybe they are thinkers, but never share that side. And when I get a glimpse that they can and try to pull more out of them -- they shut down. Are my girls and I the only interesting people out there? Surely not! lol*

But where are they hiding. I don't want conversations where they talk to be heard. I want... unique, thought-provoking, makes you really use your noggin, conversation. I would like to feel as though I opened new boxes after a conversation. Is that too much to ask for? :)

Also, a minor plug for my other blog of poetry and dreams and other such nonsense...

http://confessionsofarose84.blogspot.com/