Has Kirstin Chenoweth's "Taylor the Latte Boy" stuck in my head...

She's a showstress! Amazing!

Kinda obsessed with it!

Today I feel like sharing with you some quotes that I really like...

"Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth." ~Oscar Wilde

How true. Take our blogging for example. We can reach a small or large audience depending on our skill, dedication, and ability to draw people in. And we share our opinions, thoughts, life experiences, and often feel we can share next to anything. Because we fantasize that anyone can read it. It's our moments of "fame" even if we only entertain 20 people.

Recently I had a conversation with my two very best friends. I was telling them how I appreciate that I can share any part of my life with them and I know they will not judge me or run the other way. I do not have a single reserve that I might do something that they could not get past or visa-versa. I recently lost a friend because I drunkenly shared too much info. And she was fine for a couple days then wouldn't talk to me again. It wasn't that what I told her was heinous. She just wasn't my friend, and judged me, when to be perfectly honest she's done far worse things (well on her judgmental spectrum - not mine) & I still loved her and was a true friend to her. But honestly, she took my sharing is caring as a way to ditch me as a friend.

So I guess my point is: Even though you give the world a version of you, it's nice to have people in your life you don't have to conceal yourself from.

"There are only two kinds of people who are really fascinating: people who know absolutely everything, and people who know absolutely nothing" - Oscar Wilde

This just made me laugh to myself, because it's pretty true. People who talk and have no clue what they are talking about are interesting, because you wonder how in the world they came to that conclusion.

Sorry to say, but sometimes I feel this way about teens. They're endearing, because they are truly stupid. And before anyone takes offense.... they can not help it. They are emotional creatures, awkward, unsure, their brains aren't even near finished development. People get so mad because they make foolish decisions. Parents yell, "You should've known better!" But how? How? They are still in discovery.

"Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes they forgive them." -Oscar Wilde - The Picture of Dorian Gray 1891

I used to explain to my parents when they would tell me what a brat I became as a teenager my theories on why teens rebel. It's because as children we almost idolize our parents we think of them as superior (sometimes even the worst parents... mine struggled a lot - still do even more so now). Then one harsh day reality hits. Our parents, the ones that set the rules, are as fallen as us! Whaaa??? How can it be? They are selfish. They are unfair. They do bad things. But they are putting the rules on us? They are making me feel bad for wasting 3 hours on the computer? For spoiling my dinner with cookies? For telling them I do not want to do the dishes?

How dare they!

Now, go back to the quote before. Children/teens are creatures of emotion!! E-M-O-T-I-O-N. So of course with teen hormones comes rebellion and bratty behavior. They can't help it. I really hope I remember writing the antidote when my son is one of those horrid creatures ;)

So in conclusion, Oscar Wilde is brilliant! And a last quote...

"Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation." -Oscar Wilde, De Profundis, 1905

Funnily Enough...

...Today has been a hard day for me. It's been a weird day.

Since returning from London I have not had to work, so my life has a seemingly functionless meaning. I mean there are things I need to do, certainly starting Monday, but today I just wanted to work on my room.

While cleaning I was crouching in front of my jewelry case (It's about 4 feet tall) At the floor of it I have two baskets, one has jewelry (it hasn't made it into my jewelry case, because when I lived with Crazy my jewelry case was downstairs & so I kept my well-used stuff in a basket in my room) and the other has hair doo-dads. So I was putting things in it and I grabbed an old picture.

It was my dad.

2 1/2 years old. Blonde. Posing with his arms folded in front of him. Grinning with a missing tooth (I'm assuming he knocked it out... one day I'll ask my Mia if she remembers). His eyes big and obviously blue... the picture is black and white, so maybe it's only obvious because I know.

I was suddenly, undeniably, indescribably, emotional. I sat there dumb-founded. Crying. Real tears I cried. I was taken aback. And then I realized why.

He was beautiful. He was happy. There was no jaded look. His face was straight on, but his eyes looked to the left. I wonder if it was at my Mia. My Mia, his mother, whom he had always loved and had a soft spot for.

This moment. This solitary moment my father was without hurt, without anger. He was innocent. He was sweet. He was... happy & precious. He had no idea... no one did... that Marti (his little sister) would be born with a hole in her heart. That she would die at age 6. That she would die in a surgery that just before he told her he hated her and hoped she'd die. And she did. He was so young &jealous of the attention and had no idea what he was saying.

No one knew this was the future.

No one knew that at age 34, a mere month before 35, my hurting, angry, resentful father would kill himself.

And it hurts my soul. To know that this beautiful 2 1/2 year old would be so jaded that he would of his own free will leave this earth.

The moment of tears lasted only a minute or two, and then I stifled it and put his picture away.

My best friends called me, and we went to lunch. I pretty much forgot about the whole emotional bout.

I ran up to work and got my pay check. Came home and remembered my brother and his friend were supposed to come over and see the apartment. He and his friend want to be my new roommates, when my current ones abandon me in August. So I went back to cleaning.

I started a movie on Net Flix called According to Greta with Hilary Duff. In the description it said something about her coming of age film (yes, this ties into before). So I decide a little light movie that looked interesting would do.

It's about a troubled teen who goes to visit her grandparent's for the Summer - unwillingly. Her neglectful mother is working on her 3rd marriage. She's angry, and morbid. She carries around a little notebook with two lists. 1) A bucket list of what she wants to accomplish before death. 2) Different ways to commit suicide. She often comments that life would be better, easier, if her father were still around.

Mini-spoiler alert (the movie is very worth seeing though the ending is rushed making it a touch cheesy)



Her father was gone from her life because he committed suicide. And she, as a child, walked in on it. Of course! I fall into another crying fit. I mean, really? Out of the thousands of movie choices on netflix I picked this one. I almost picked others, but thought it would be a love drama... not family drama film.

It's heart-wrenching. To think of someone in so much desperation they end it all.

And so emotionally, today has been a weird day.

Coincidentally, my brother and his friend do want to live with me. This should be interesting...

London

Well today I leave for London. Yikes! It's exciting. It's nerve-wracking. Its a new experience.

Passport ready! And yes, it's an awful picture. For some reason things that have "flat" pictures always give me chubber cheeks. It's a very odd thing. Had to take a new license pic... same deal.

Well, yesterday was a fun slam everything in my suitcase and run to Houston, since we were late. Harm and I decided I could repack here with the things I really do want. So that's what I did this morning. Repacked, folded, stuffed. I might need to lessen it more. Not sure yet. I need to have room to bring my family stuff back. Haha! But I'll bet I was a sight in the little Sky convertible with a huge suitcase on my lap because trying to get it into the trunk was funny and unlikely.

Geez, I am so nervous I have never been overseas before! I know it'll be great. I know it's an experience that I've always wanted, so I am not complaining.... but the butterflies are making good work of my stomach.

By 9:30 a.m. tomorrow I will be in London. Their time. What it'll be like 3:30 here? Geez... jetlag should be interesting!

I'm going to try and put some of my newest poems on my other blog real quick. :)

Hey folks,

I know it's been forever!! So here's a mini-update...

1) I've moved! I am no longer living with the crazy overly religious/judgmental girl! Freedom!! Today I went to move out the rest of my stuff. She never asked me to leave it, had told me I could keep it there until August. She wrote me 2 days ago and said I had to get it out before my trip (I leave on Saturday) or her dad was going to sell it. I was unhappy about that. I mean ask me to move it nicely, okay... but threaten to SELL it??

2) My trip............. LONDON!!!! Yes, I am serious. :D Going for 4 days. I have friends that are going for business and asked me to tag along. I'm thrilled, never been out of the country - only been to Canada & Mexico outside of the USA.

3) I got my acceptance letter from Blinn. YAY!!! But they want me to send them my SAT scores. Joy.

4) Jeff, my ex, has his new gf living with him for the last month. They started dating in January. That's really nice for my son. I think he called her Mom. :( Jeff promised he wouldn't allow that. But why should I trust him. Oh yeah, I don't. :)

My New Philosophy...

"If I don't love it; why do I own it?"

I need to start purging things from my life. Clothes, books, jewelry, papers, etc. Especially with the appending move. Why have I added things to my life - and more importantly kept them - when they haven't given me any satisfaction in awhile? Nope. Don't need that. I need to look at my belongings differently. They should bring joy to my life not just stress because they are wasting space.

And you can help! :) I have pack rats for plenty of my family members, so I need encouragement and maybe even ideas of what I should asking myself when I look at things. Because I have this awful habit of talking myself into "one day" needing it.

I've already gone through all my clothes and 1/2 my jewelry. My little sister will be happy. I have a lot of cute clothes that just don't fit me right anymore that will work out really well for her probably. And some jewelry that I am just too "old" for.

The paperwork is the stuff I'm scared of. I am always afraid of throwing away things I made need later. Siiiiigh... Especially when it comes to my divorce.

Anyway, hopefully this reaches you and you can either encourage me with how you do it, or maybe it even encourages you to join my journey and "purge" your own life!!

Let ya know how it goes! ~Ashley

Well, I guess I oughta blog something.

Still not completely over the shock of Jeff's new housemate to be. Sigh. I don't care until I really think about it.

If my dreams are any indication for life I think my parents may divorce. I've had the strangest dreams about them lately. I know they are unhappy, and dad has dealt with a lot with mom. I think they have both come up with mental breakdowns. Dad's primarily from the house burning down last July. Construction on it is going well. I would be pretty devastated if they ended, mostly because mom could not function & she's been out of the working world for 20 years. But I would understand. But I would not want mom to use me as a crutch or Maw-maw. Neither of us have the ability for all that.

Uhm. Had 2 job interviews at MHMR. I will not be getting either job sadly. One of them really liked me, but because I plan to return to school in the Fall it wouldn't work out well. So I continue on in the life of an underpaid barista. Joy. At least for the most part I do enjoy my job! :)

I just got slammed with a HUGE HUGE HUGE phone bill. My fault. Chatting it up with Dallas. I have changed my plan to unlimited talk time. Thank God. But now it'll go up and I have to figure out how I will make payment plans. Esp. when child support can start anytime now. I need a second job. I really, really wanted the MHMR job. I told one of the ladies I would go ahead and attend the jr. college here in town if I could have it. I think I told her too late though. Siiiigh.

Oh my life is so.... befuddled.... and mom texted me a billion times. First while I was working and then after I found out my phone bill is astronomical. And then she got upset with me not texted back. Telling me she was having a rough electronic day and had cried. I replied to her texts about coming over this week adding. "I am having a bad day too." She says, "Crying?" like that obviously my day isn't as bad as hers, because I probably haven't cried. I replied, "Yes."

Why did I cry? My phone bill? Yes. And I am putting my wedding dress on Craig's list finally. So I took pics of it. On my laptop that I have internet on I don't have any wedding photos, but on my desk top I do but no internet. So I went through our wedding photos and took pics with my digital camera (so ghetto I know!) to post. Those were a little sad, but the ultimate sad moment was seeing our cat Mr. Incredible's pictures. He died a few months before I left Jeff. He got outside and I thought he'd come back in b/c he doesn't like snow... but he didn't and the neighborhood dogs got him. I was devastated. And seeing his pictures, and even writing this, has thrown me over the edge, so I sat on the floor and cried.

Over spilled milk. I know.

But there's Jeff. Breeding Golden Retrievers. Living with a girl who will take care of him and pamper his ass. He has Ashton. He has our house. He has a newish car. He has a stable and wonderful family.

And the guy I could potentially love?? He lives in south PA. And told my roommate from college he likes me, but he won't do the distance. Naturally. I mean that would be crazy, right? Yes. It would.

And what am I going to do about my $600 phone bill!!!! I wasn't going to say the amount. But Christ on a Cracker! And for what? A guy who annoyed the buh-Jesus out of me?

My life rocks!

Really??

Hmmm....

Hmmm....

Hmmm....

So I called Ashton today, seeing it's Easter. Happy Easter, readers! He was already to bed. So Jeff and I talked.

Guess what?

That girl he's been dating for a nanosecond?? Yeah, maybe 3 months. She's moving in with he and my son. Yeah.

Awesome right? Really, really great.

Understand that I could never ever go back to a man who hit me for 3 years. He doesn't even appeal to me. But I also am not a fan of him having this woman move in with he and my son.

I can't even explain it.

He said he thinks he'll marry her. He tells me she knows everything. That makes her stupid. Okay, not really. Naive. Or I was very much colored badly. Obviously.

I told him as long as she treats my son well, and he treats her well. And Ashton can never call her mom. I would be devastated.

We aren't even legally divorced!! Still waiting on my lawyer to draw up papers. Then the judge to sign and then we have to too.

Am I wrong? Is he just thinking with his pee-pee and not thinking about my son?? Am I unreasonable?

I wish I had something tangible to hold on to right now.