(being kidnapped last night was fun! Sorry for not finishing)

We retraced our steps looking for Ashton's shoe. No where. I'm upset. He's still pouting. I sent the kids up to the customer service desk. They had nothing.

While they were up there I called my best friend, because we were supposed to go see New Moon last night. She said they decided not to see it, since the boys wanted to see something else. And were going to see it on Thanksgiving instead. I said I have to close at 9 pm could we go before that? She said no. They were eating late. So here is is MY movie. I am the one of the three of us who has read all the books. Just like with Harry Potter and after planning to see it with me went without me. Oh and "Where the Wild Things Are". I see a theme a brewing. And I told them before Ash got here to please not go without me. I would find a baby-sitter. So I'm in wal*mart on the brink of angry and feelings hurt tears. And I merely want to crawl in bed and tune out the world. She didn't even seem phased when I was like, "You know it isn't a big deal. I'll just go by myself." "Okay."

We went looking again. Nope, nope, and more nope. Nice 60$ Stride rite's gone. So I had to buy him new shoes. On the remaining unlost shoe I couldn't tell if it said 6.5 or 8.5, so called Jeff. Had to admit to him what happened. That was fun. Believe me.

He talked to Ashton about it. I don't actually remember their conversation, because I was deciding what shoes to get Ashton. But Jeff told Ashton they'd have to go buy him more stride rite's. So I decided just to get him a $9 pair of blue lace ups. No point in me getting him tennis shoes if they are just replacing them. And these can go with non-tennie shoe outfits. Oh and of course he was a chipper little bee after all that. Grabbing the cars I picked out, so excited for them. By the way the Tranformer cars DON'T transform... even though you can see the robot parts that should transform. Siiiiiiiiiiiigh.

We made it out of the store. And went home. I had also gotten All Dogs Go To Heaven and set them up with that. Then ran upstairs to get some alone time.

Eventually, my best friend and her roomie (my other best friend) came and kidnapped me for hot tubbing. Wine, brownies, and hot tubs... what's better? I didn't bring up the movie. Surprisingly, since usually wine does that to me. But also by this time I've decided to go with another friend, so it isn't a big deal. Just sucks, because it meant a lot to see it with them. And I've waited a long time, and kinda something I wanted to share with them. And after the other two movies and begging them not to see it without me.... just pretty much sucks. But whatevs. It's life, right??

New day today, no work, so yay for that! :-D

Happy Thanksgiving folks! My favorite holiday.

Oddly it'll be a year ago tomorrow that I knew I was leaving my ex. Crazy.

1/2 a post :-P

the other night i dreamed my ex was trying to have sex with me. he was pulling me close to his chest. i kept squirming, but he wouldn't let me go. I tried to swallow, but instead i threw up ALL over him! kinda an amusing thing to wake up after. :)

So time with my son has been marvelous. Minus maybe parts of today. Oi! We (my little brother, little sister, Ashton and I) went to Wal*mart today to buy him more wipes and pull-ups (he is getting MUCH better at going on the potty, but refuses pooing on the potty). I had remembered I told him the other day I'd get him a car for being so good. So I took him down that aisle. He didn't want anything I was willing to get him -- of course -- and when I found two transformer cars I just gave up knowing he'd like them later. Everything he wanted was big and bulky... typical man already... bigger is better! I kept telling him that it wouldn't fit on the plane.

So we left that section he in absolute tears. I've learned to ignore his tantrums. We made it to the whole other side of the store before I noticed -- ack! -- that rotten boy had lost his shoe! I asked him why he took it off, his 3 year old answer, "I didn't want it." Cripes! We retraced our steps.

Doh being kidnapped... hot tub time! Finish later.

Death

This week, a friend died. Sally. Until this week I had no idea how much she meant to my brother Dylan. He's 18. A bright, sensitive, wittily sarcastic, stoic young man. He is rather popular here in town.

I have very vaguely touched on the distance I have with my mother. I love her, but I do not as close a bond as I would like to have with someone who should be a motherly figure. The same, I feel, goes for my brother. Though he is a better man than I am and placates her.

The reason I mention this is because I believe Sally was my brother's replacement as a mother. He loved her dearly and in his eulogy to her said several times what a special woman she was. He said that when he first met her he used to refer to her as Stacy's mom, then Mrs. Linder, which turned into Mrs. Sally, and finally he called her Aunt Sally.

One day he was going somewhere with two of her daughters and Sally told him, "Now you take care of my girls." After that he said he came up with his title of being, "Protector of the Linder Household." A name he deemed himself.

Sally had fought and conquered cancer through going into chemo. Last Spring her eldest daughter was getting married. Dylan and Sally were setting up the church the night before the wedding when she said to him, "Dylan, I haven't told the kids yet, or friends, but I want you to know the cancer is back." My brother knew before her own children and most the family. I think only her husband and maybe a very select few knew. But she trusted him with this information.

Sally had made a conscious decision to not go through treatments again, but to live out the remainder of her life. Not everyone agreed with this decision, including at least one daughter, but it was hers to make. She was told she had 1-3 years. And this was sometime in the Spring. So her death came sooner than was anticipated.

My brother also explained in his eulogy that recently Sally told him she had used to work in a daycare when Dylan was about 4 and took care of him. She said, even back then she knew he was a special kid. And in the last 2 and half years that she had been reacquainted with him she saw that he truly was a special young man. He said, "And all of you are here, because Sally was a special woman."

And I sit back an adoring sister. Dylan IS special. He has an amazing heart and it blows my mind on nearly a daily basis. He brings such joy into people's lives... not just Sally's.

And I know I don't have that impact on people. I know that his gift to always make people feel comfortable and happy is such beautiful thing. He has a sincere heart that I wish more people possessed. And through this awful situation he has grown even more.

This year, since I moved home he and I have been closer than we ever were before. I can genuinely say -- about the boy that used to annoy the hell out of me with his perfect attitude -- he is one of my best friends. One of my three best friends. And I am blessed to have him in such a close proximity of my life.

Just Musing Around...

Funny how life works. You think you have it all planned out, but it never works that way. People think they have me figured out, but how can they when only a handful of people actually know me in depth. The others ~ well they get enough of a glimpse to have an idea, but not enough to have more than a few brush strokes of the full picture.

This much I do know, though I fool people a lot of the time, somehow, "Not a Pretty Girl" by Ani Difranco is my song.


I am not a Pretty Girl
That is Not What I Do
I ain't no Damsel in Distress
And I Don't Need to be Rescued
So Put Me Down Punk
Wouldn't you prefer a Maiden Fair
Isn't there a Kitten Stuck in a Tree Somewhere?

Men in general think of me as a pet. A cute, homeless, helpless kitten that needs to be nursed back to life. I'll be honest, maybe I do portray myself that way... I mean no one has as bad luck as me. And though sometimes I want to be taken care of... it's not because I can't take care of myself nor do I want the basis of it to be out of pity.

I don't pity me. I mean sometimes, lately a lot of times, I can get plain old sick of my bad luck. I really feel I need to have a discussion with Karma, because she is being a mean girl. And I think she might be picking on the wrong person. I didn't know we had such a beef. I wish she'd give me a chance to apologize. For whatever it is I've done.

Also, I was thinking today about decisions in life. I started to wonder if I were to go back in time -- knowing all I know about my life -- if I would make the same decisions? Honestly? I think I would make similar. Yes, I would still have married Jeff. I may've went about it differently. I may've put my foot down that we needed to have pre-marital counseling. I might would be right here typing this out all over again. And you may think me crazy... but wait! I have a good reason.

Ashton. I know about him. And although I could've had my Ashton with a decent guy... he wouldn't be *my* Ashton then. I think if events preceded how they did this life I would've left Jeff while pregnant. Hell, I would've left before I found out about my pregnancy and would be miles away with his son in my belly. I could've restarted life then and he'd be in my arms every day and Jeff would have visitation.

I can hardly fathom my life beginning over 3 years ago. Lands, I wasted so much time. And did I really learn that much?? That's the thing... I feel like all I learned would've served me better if I had learned them in those first 6 months of marriage. But of course my pride kept me in that relationship. I didn't want to fail. I don't like to fail. I felt as a "good Christian woman" I should have a happy, loving, perfect marriage... HA! Maybe if I had married myself.

But no, I faked a smile. And pressed through. Now, I've looked at pictures of me. A smile placed on my face... and the saddest eyes I've ever seen. She's foreign to me. I hated myself. I thought if I didn't have him, and my identity as a wife and mother I would be nothing. I was a shallow pond of sorrow and didn't even *grasp* how far I had gone. It wasn't until I was back here and crawling out of the pond that I realized how murky the waters were.

But here I am, devulging up the past. A past that can't be fixed or traded or upgraded. THAT was my life... if you can call it such a thing. Now I just need to find my way out of this limbo. And into a person I like in a situation I like.

But all in all I would endure the hurts, rejection, pain, and sorrow for that little man. I can't imagine any life without him.

Sitting at the bar. Watching as my battery slowly dies. Dr. Pepper finished (I KNOW not coffee... but I work here and have already had my cup when I came in to work @ 10 am). Sipping on ice water. Nothing much going on. Nothing much going on.

I am in reflect mode, which is always... well not always... but many times a fun place to be.

And the musings are not telling me much. I feel like life is going by too quickly and I am not really anywhere I actually want to be. Yet. I feel like waiting for this divorce has just put my life on a major hold, and I am truly, truly ready for it to be over.

But my lawyer... she is awful about returning my emails. Ah! But she has time to send me email forwards. Which is odd of a lawyer anyway. I never send her any ~ just to clarify.

And now my little brother and sister are talking to me on IM. They're 14 and 11. They love me. And mom is making them journal (which I do of my own accord obviously!), so they are bored and sending me messages. Silly kiddos.

Thanksgiving's almost here! :-D My ultimate FAVORITE holiday!! AND better news, I get the kiddo. Pretty excited about that :) I love my little man.

Honestly, HE is reason I still believe in love.

part 2!

So in my head I told myself. 1 year. People kept telling me the first year was the hardest. And in my 21 year old naivety I thought that it meant after a year we would understand each other and the hurt he was putting me through would end.

But life has a funny way of changing those plans. I should've gotten out. I should've went home. But I didn't. And 6 months after we were married, we were expecting a baby. The first two weeks I did little more than cry and stress. Jeffrey was ecstatic. He had wanted a baby even before we got married.

I said at the time I just wasn't ready to be a mother. And I do believe that was true. But think the pregnancy felt like a nail in my coffin called marriage. I admit though, our relationship got better. He was so happy to be a father. He was much less abusive and quit hitting me altogether.

He was still hard on me about the house, but during my pregnancy I was so weak. I passed out many times. So I couldn't do a lot of housework. But that didn't make him help me. We didn't have a dishwasher and I would have to bring a stool to sit on while I did the dishes. I didn't start showing until my 5th month or so.

We were having a boy! Another thing I cried about... was so certain it was going to be a girl. lol* His family was thrilled, and although most all my family told me they wish we had waited they were happy for us too.

Before the pregnancy Jeffrey's mother knew mildly about the abuse. But she never said more to him than, "You really shouldn't do that." They were/are religious and tried to get him back in church, but he was having none of it. Jeffrey's father never knew about what was going on, though I assumed he did. But his mother protected him.

Ashton came that September. A beautiful, perfect baby boy. All of a sudden my life was complete. I had something that had all of my heart. Tiny fingers. Tiny toes. Beautiful big blue eyes like mine. A bundle of perfection.

Jeffrey was happy too. And at first he was 100% there for me. We were a happy family. Though I was utterly exhausted all the time. I never recovered. Slowly, as time went on Jeff did less and less. He had a computer game he was obsessed with. A shooter game and was part of a team. He'd always be on mic when he was home. And it bothered me to ask him anything with people listening to me.

By this time Jeff had a better paying job, but hated it with passion. He was always stressed coming to and from work. And his stress was pushed onto me.

But I loved him. I can't begin to express what love does to a person... which is probably why it scares me so much now. I simply tell people. I was crazy! I lived for a person who saw me as a vacuum, sex, and baby-maker. After we married for some reason he resented me as a person.

I'm not saying it was all bad. It wasn't. Sometimes we played the part of hapy family. All snuggling, watching movies, hanging out with friends. But inside I was empty. A shell. And after Ashton was born I slowly started disaccociating myself with the world. Which hurt and left me lonely. Jeffrey also admitted that the only reason he didn't hit me during my pregnancy was so I didn't lose his baby.

Things with my mother were not better. We fought constantly and she overheard Jeff call her a bitch once and all was let loose! I even had to take her out of my life for a little while, which further isolated me from connections with my family.

New Years - Ashton 3 months old - I decided I wanted to have a party. I cooked and cleaned all day. His family and a few of our friends were coming over. All I had left was to make the cheeseball. And he started yelling at me for not vacuuming the stairs. I told him if he wanted them cleaned so badly he could do them! It was too hard on my back to hold the vacuum up the steep stairs. (When I had Ashton the bed was "broken" and it couldn't be raised high enough, so I was on it wrong and it did something awful to my back). He threw a folding chair at me and more words were exchanged he crossed the room and had his hand on my throat.

When his family and our friends came they asked what was wrong. I was so embarrassed, so I lied and said, "I'm just nervous. This is my first party to throw here and I hope I made enough food." I regret that decision too.

So fast-forward. Ashton grew and we had ups and downs. We had a house built for us and moved out into the country. I thought things had gotten better. But I was highly depressed and put on medication. Towards Fall of last year I didn't go a single day without crying and Ashton was my only realson to get out of bed.

Within a month of each other I lost Mr. Incredible (the afore mentioned cat) and Max our wonderful black lab/pointer puppy we had found. I was devastated.

Then Thanksgiving was the turning point.

We went to his grandparent's, who now lived in our own home, for dinner. We had a great day! We were driving back home and mentally I was thinking about what all needed done at the house. We had been out the last couple days and laundry was backed up and the house was a mess. So I thought I will call mom and let Ashton talk to the family, and my grandma to hear Ashton before I put him down for a nap and then I'd start cleaning. All this was a mental note.

So we get home and I call my Mia (grandma), because my grandpa was still in the hospital for his surgery. While Mia and I talk before I put Ashton on the phone, Jeffrey starts slamming things in the kitchen - obviously mad about the mess - we had just been to his gp's who keep their house lovely... and all decorated for TG... so he was comparing I know. I could tell Mia was hearing him and kept hesiatating. So I put the phone down and tell him he's being an ass and it's rude. He continues his petty fit.

I get off the phone with her. And tear into him. Telling him how rude he is. And she's an old woman (83). I called him an asshole and he crossed the room, had me by my throat, and threw me to the ground. Standing next to me, watching intently, was Ashton. I lost it. I was crying and mumbling. I walked to our bedroom, and then turned on my heel, and like a mad woman walked to him. I am 5'3 106 lbs and he is 6' 190 lbs. I put my hand on his throat without pressure and said, "How do you like it?" He took my hand and was bending my thumb backwards. I knew it would break. I hate pain, but I wish I had let him. I wiggled it away.

That day I died inside. I was literally a walking, breathing dead person. It hurts me know to even remember that feeling. That nothingness.

It was time to leave. That week I called and told my mother the truth. I don't think I've ever shed so many tears in all my life.

We got into counseling because I "needed it". Or so he said. He didn't have a problem. If I just didn't yell. But the couselor was a Christian counselor and didn't give us what I felt we needed. She went as far as to say she wouldn't counsel us through divorce. She felt it was a sin. Bogus.

I tried. But things had gone too far. And so Jan 31st 2009 I left. I moved home to Texas.

Unfortunately, I was told if I took Ashton over the state lines it would be conjured as kidnapping... later I found out that was false. But the backwards state of West Virginia (and forgive me if you are from there) will not let my son leave the state with me for permenant custody. So Jeffrey automatically gets him and I visitation.

It's been a rough 10 months. But I have grown so much. And learned so much about myself. And had many firsts this year. And I'm happy to say I made the right decision leaving and getting new life. And it hurts my soul not to have my son, when for so long I was a SAHM, and spent every moment with him. But he's a happy kid. And I trust all things to work out for the good. :)