Life musings

I really do not understand the human psyche. I would like to. I would really like to understand exactly why we think the way we do. Why we function. Why we have a will to live. I would like to speak freely and not feel like I will get condemned or boxed and labeled and set on a shelf.

I came to the conclusion last night that I am not meant to find my counterpart. I have a writers heart and I am supposed to have a pinch of misery in me at all times. Without that I have no "soul". It sucks a lot. But it's something I will come to accept I am sure.

My mother always tells me a story of being in a literature class and the teacher asking the students to take out their books. He read off names and asked his students to put an asterisk by their name. At the end of reading many names he asked what all these writers had in common? All of them had committed suicide. All of them. An astronomical amount. Mostly women, & my mother was struck with how many females had. From great pain comes great beauty.

No, I will not be killing myself anytime soon. As some of you readers know my father committed suicide. I am not that selfish, or currently severely depressed. I saw the pain it caused and I will not cause that on other people. So don't worry about me! Plus I am not all sure about the afterlife and if there's nothingness I don't want to get there all to quickly. Same for all the other theories. I am good sticking around on this earth a little longer. Experiencing new & glorious things, along with the bad and heart-wrenching. 'Tis life. And we'd take it for granted if everything is peachy keen all the time. Or not have life experience to glean and learn from and accept people with.

Divorced.

Apparently.

Am I ecstatic? I should be, right? I would be. But I have not seen the divorce papers. My lawyer has never gotten back to me, not once since January.

I tried again to call her and low and behold.... her line is disconnected. What the crap??? Just great. She disappears before sending me my divorce papers. Jeffrey's gotten his copy. He told me the other day that apparently she's getting her own divorce. So I can understand her being upset about that, or even taking time off to handle her children... but really? Just disappear?

But on the plus side I am 100% totally single. So is Jeff and since he already plans to marry new girl I see him getting engaged soon. Stupid.

My friend Natasha from WV and I made up. We now kinda get each other and I am excited to see her when I get Ash in July.

July.... 1) I turn 26! Damn OLD! 2) My best friend and I are going to see Lady Gaga in concert. 3) I get my beautiful boy for nearly a whole month!!! I can't wait to see him. He is the only thing that makes wasting 5 years with that man worth it.

Manager Boy & Cancer Hearts

Let's talk about that one boy. You know, my manager crush that I used to talk about.

If you are newer or have a foggy memory as many are prone to these days. This blonde boy works with me. 2 or 3 days after I first realized I actually had a crush on him (it came as a shock, yes) he informed me in a delighted sort of way that he had a date. And told me the happy times of what his plans were for said date. Crestfallen it made me.

Well they went out twice I guess, but she had had a recent break-up and it was a no go. Then I "dated" that Dallas guy. Broke his heart, because he would say minor, hurtful things and kept saying something to the effect that he didn't want to be a baby's daddy... as if. Then I guess Blonde Manager dated someone else who went crazy. And now we are both single and play a little cat & mouse.

We hang out outside of work maybe once a week with other work people. Sometimes we talk a lot, sometimes none at all. I know he likes me, but he's younger than me (I know people! I know! lol), and I think he has a complex about it.

My friends and I went to dinner, and afterward I went back up to work with John to retrieve my laptop. John is my bestest guy friend and he works with us too, and often helps me instigate getting Manager boy out with us. I was hyper. Jumping at work, working off the clock. But Manager and I didn't say anything to each other. He was sad & it felt awkward. John & I had made him come to John's the night before to watch a movie, and he thanked us because he was home being moody alone.

So after I left Sweet's John & I went to HEB to get chick beer to go and watch a movie. On the way to John's I texted Manager, "Cheer up, Buttercup!" Just to make him smile.

Then I told him if he says hi to me next time I'll give him a feel-better hug. Poor dear.

I fell asleep on John's couch, though I liked the movie I was wiped out after my hyper bought at work. I woke up to my phone telling me I had a text. It was manager. He told me that the rain made him moody and basically lonely ~~ in other words than that, but I guess I don't want to expose how he put it.

I told him it was heartbreaking and how I loved Texas rain and reading and snuggling a cat.

Of course, b/t you and me I would take a snuggle buddy, but I thought that would be too forward.

Then I went on a tangent about his and my zodiac signs... we're Cancers -- a good people. Moody is our way. And we're romantics. And we're family oriented.

I realized in typing that... maybe that's why I loved Jeff. My family isn't close, not the way I cancerian wants it. So I went about "replacing" my family with normalcy. And then I was too blind to see Jeffrey for what he was. And I married him. Honestly, though I was blind, I knew a big part of my draw to Jeff was his family. I loved them all. I still don't know how he fits in with them. His family is very loving and embracing. He's a bad egg.

Anyway, the point. He opened up to me, and I kinda feel honored. As a fellow Cancer I do know how hard that is. It doesn't come naturally and we have to be in a good place to do it. I mean I know what he told me wasn't earth shattering or anything, but it is more than his usual.

Cancers often give you a glimpse and in my experience (or what people have told me) it leaves you craving more...

Has Kirstin Chenoweth's "Taylor the Latte Boy" stuck in my head...

She's a showstress! Amazing!

Kinda obsessed with it!

Today I feel like sharing with you some quotes that I really like...

"Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth." ~Oscar Wilde

How true. Take our blogging for example. We can reach a small or large audience depending on our skill, dedication, and ability to draw people in. And we share our opinions, thoughts, life experiences, and often feel we can share next to anything. Because we fantasize that anyone can read it. It's our moments of "fame" even if we only entertain 20 people.

Recently I had a conversation with my two very best friends. I was telling them how I appreciate that I can share any part of my life with them and I know they will not judge me or run the other way. I do not have a single reserve that I might do something that they could not get past or visa-versa. I recently lost a friend because I drunkenly shared too much info. And she was fine for a couple days then wouldn't talk to me again. It wasn't that what I told her was heinous. She just wasn't my friend, and judged me, when to be perfectly honest she's done far worse things (well on her judgmental spectrum - not mine) & I still loved her and was a true friend to her. But honestly, she took my sharing is caring as a way to ditch me as a friend.

So I guess my point is: Even though you give the world a version of you, it's nice to have people in your life you don't have to conceal yourself from.

"There are only two kinds of people who are really fascinating: people who know absolutely everything, and people who know absolutely nothing" - Oscar Wilde

This just made me laugh to myself, because it's pretty true. People who talk and have no clue what they are talking about are interesting, because you wonder how in the world they came to that conclusion.

Sorry to say, but sometimes I feel this way about teens. They're endearing, because they are truly stupid. And before anyone takes offense.... they can not help it. They are emotional creatures, awkward, unsure, their brains aren't even near finished development. People get so mad because they make foolish decisions. Parents yell, "You should've known better!" But how? How? They are still in discovery.

"Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes they forgive them." -Oscar Wilde - The Picture of Dorian Gray 1891

I used to explain to my parents when they would tell me what a brat I became as a teenager my theories on why teens rebel. It's because as children we almost idolize our parents we think of them as superior (sometimes even the worst parents... mine struggled a lot - still do even more so now). Then one harsh day reality hits. Our parents, the ones that set the rules, are as fallen as us! Whaaa??? How can it be? They are selfish. They are unfair. They do bad things. But they are putting the rules on us? They are making me feel bad for wasting 3 hours on the computer? For spoiling my dinner with cookies? For telling them I do not want to do the dishes?

How dare they!

Now, go back to the quote before. Children/teens are creatures of emotion!! E-M-O-T-I-O-N. So of course with teen hormones comes rebellion and bratty behavior. They can't help it. I really hope I remember writing the antidote when my son is one of those horrid creatures ;)

So in conclusion, Oscar Wilde is brilliant! And a last quote...

"Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation." -Oscar Wilde, De Profundis, 1905

Funnily Enough...

...Today has been a hard day for me. It's been a weird day.

Since returning from London I have not had to work, so my life has a seemingly functionless meaning. I mean there are things I need to do, certainly starting Monday, but today I just wanted to work on my room.

While cleaning I was crouching in front of my jewelry case (It's about 4 feet tall) At the floor of it I have two baskets, one has jewelry (it hasn't made it into my jewelry case, because when I lived with Crazy my jewelry case was downstairs & so I kept my well-used stuff in a basket in my room) and the other has hair doo-dads. So I was putting things in it and I grabbed an old picture.

It was my dad.

2 1/2 years old. Blonde. Posing with his arms folded in front of him. Grinning with a missing tooth (I'm assuming he knocked it out... one day I'll ask my Mia if she remembers). His eyes big and obviously blue... the picture is black and white, so maybe it's only obvious because I know.

I was suddenly, undeniably, indescribably, emotional. I sat there dumb-founded. Crying. Real tears I cried. I was taken aback. And then I realized why.

He was beautiful. He was happy. There was no jaded look. His face was straight on, but his eyes looked to the left. I wonder if it was at my Mia. My Mia, his mother, whom he had always loved and had a soft spot for.

This moment. This solitary moment my father was without hurt, without anger. He was innocent. He was sweet. He was... happy & precious. He had no idea... no one did... that Marti (his little sister) would be born with a hole in her heart. That she would die at age 6. That she would die in a surgery that just before he told her he hated her and hoped she'd die. And she did. He was so young &jealous of the attention and had no idea what he was saying.

No one knew this was the future.

No one knew that at age 34, a mere month before 35, my hurting, angry, resentful father would kill himself.

And it hurts my soul. To know that this beautiful 2 1/2 year old would be so jaded that he would of his own free will leave this earth.

The moment of tears lasted only a minute or two, and then I stifled it and put his picture away.

My best friends called me, and we went to lunch. I pretty much forgot about the whole emotional bout.

I ran up to work and got my pay check. Came home and remembered my brother and his friend were supposed to come over and see the apartment. He and his friend want to be my new roommates, when my current ones abandon me in August. So I went back to cleaning.

I started a movie on Net Flix called According to Greta with Hilary Duff. In the description it said something about her coming of age film (yes, this ties into before). So I decide a little light movie that looked interesting would do.

It's about a troubled teen who goes to visit her grandparent's for the Summer - unwillingly. Her neglectful mother is working on her 3rd marriage. She's angry, and morbid. She carries around a little notebook with two lists. 1) A bucket list of what she wants to accomplish before death. 2) Different ways to commit suicide. She often comments that life would be better, easier, if her father were still around.

Mini-spoiler alert (the movie is very worth seeing though the ending is rushed making it a touch cheesy)



Her father was gone from her life because he committed suicide. And she, as a child, walked in on it. Of course! I fall into another crying fit. I mean, really? Out of the thousands of movie choices on netflix I picked this one. I almost picked others, but thought it would be a love drama... not family drama film.

It's heart-wrenching. To think of someone in so much desperation they end it all.

And so emotionally, today has been a weird day.

Coincidentally, my brother and his friend do want to live with me. This should be interesting...