Tonight I have decided to get brutally honest. No more hiding behind a facade. Which is very fitting on this Halloween night. All of us at one time or another place a mask over our face. Even if it's a simple, "I'm fine" when in reality we want to burst into tears, or lock ourselves in a closet for eternity.

I have felt since a young age that bad things happened to me, so that I could have empathy for others. So that one day I might help someone else who is also hurting, more than likely in a deeper way than me. But now, at 25, I look around and see so little that I have helped. So little I have accomplished. And that is why I started this blog. To offer support to other women who have been or are in the situation I was in.

I was a young naive 19 year old. He was the same. We attended the same college. The first thing I thought when I was introduced to him was, "Gosh he has the prettiest eyes I have ever seen." And so a crush was born. After that my roommate and I would go over to his frat house, we went to a very small Christian university here in Texas, to watch movies. Another friend, Jennie, would accompany us sometimes. I confided in her that I had a huge crush on the boy, Jeff.

I wasn't good with letting people know I was interested. I had never had a boyfriend just about two serious crushes. So what I felt were obvious attempts at flirtation seemed to not be. I arrived at Chapel one day to discover from my roommate that Jennie and Jeff were dating. They dated off and on for that full semester. My heart continually being crushed when they'd get back together.

But after the Christmas holidays things were over completely for them. He and I were able to become friends again. And on February 7th we were a couple. He adored me. I adored him. We were happy and inseparable. Within 3 weeks he told me he was in love with me. I didn't return it for a few weeks.

Within three months of dating we knew we were madly in love and were going to get married. In a hotel on our way home driving back from his parent's in WV we both lost our virginity. It made us even closer and life was never the same.

My parent's had their reserves. And when Jeff asked their permission my step-dad gave it, and then withdrew it a week or so later. Of course I blamed my mom. She is a whole other story, but at the time I did not trust any of her judgment, because she was crazy. It's tough to explain right now, but someday I can fill y'all in on her story.

But Jeff proposed anyway. My parent's refused to go to the wedding, so my grandparent's had it at their church. In May of '05 we were married.

During the months of engagement, despite my intense hesitation, Jeff and his mother talked me in to moving up to WV. I knew I wouldn't like it, but his family had been much more welcoming towards me to come into their family, than mine to Jeff. And I was promised better job opportunities, since many up there do not have but maybe high school educations. And of course it is cheaper to live there. So after much convincing I said, yes.

In June after being hectically married a month we made the move to West Virginia. Jeffrey, myself, and our beautiful orange tabby, Mr. Incredible. It was cheaper to live. We had a two story house (bottom story a fully finished basement) for only $400 a month. But the job thing was not as easy. It took me 4 or 5 months to find a job, and even that one wasn't steady, though I enjoyed it.

In July, a mere two months after we wed the abuse started happening. Jeff's anger took a whole new spin I had never seen, and I wonder if he had ever seen it before then either? Many times I would try to sleep in our extra bedroom. Feeling like I had never cried so hard in my life.

It's funny when you love someone so much. It's as though you really are blind. I would think after each abuse I would call my grandparent's in the morning and get a flight home. But he would come in and apologize, and no matter how many Lifetime movies I'd seen I fell for it. Mostly, because I wanted to. I wanted to believe he loved me, and we would get through this.

People (without knowing the full situation... only that we argued a lot) would tell me, "The first year is the hardest." So I vowed 1 year to him. I tried to get us in counseling. But we only had 2 sessions. And the second he called me a whore for liking the show Sex and the City, so I wouldn't come out of the room.

The shoving and verbal abuse continued. He wanted the house perfect, so much pressure on me. One night he tackled me like a football player. I think if I had been standing on the outside of my body it might would've looked comical. He would slam the brakes if we were arguing in the car and he wanted me to shut up. He would call me stupid.

My relationship with my mother was incredible damaged. I was stubborn and could not fathom talking to her about anything. I couldn't admit I had been wrong.

In hindsight how much clearer the world is.

Because of the length stay tuned for part 2 :)

Today at work my favorite couple came in. I work at a coffee shop. And we have this couple that come in about everyday. The man is kinda nerdy looking... kinda reminds me of a timid bird. His wife is the most southern and sweetest woman ever. Always refers to me as Honey and sweet.

Every day he comes in and gets a small snickers latte with whip (but no sprinkles or chocolate syrup) his wife normally gets a small hot tea, and a muffin or scone. They just brighten up my day. He loves her so much and really who wouldn't? It's like being able to not love Paula Dean!! She sounds just like her.

I don't know much about them. I do know she plays piano for weddings and funerals. I know they love each other and he always looks at her like he'd do anything for her and wants to take care of her. It's beautiful. It's simple. What life should look like.

So they, or at least the tiny bit of their life that is shared with me, are a good example of how love should look. And something I suppose when it comes down to it I strive for. Love is something I struggle with, because there is so much involvement in life that to unselfishly give your love away isn't easy. It isn't for the faint of heart.

And I know my heart is beating, but sometimes I wonder how strongly.

Are You Worth It?

So this year I picked up the role of "Single" again. It's been weird being thrust into this world after my 5+ year absence. It's all new. I'm older now, hopefully wiser, but dating was never something I was good at or enjoyed. And now here I am trying to keep my head above water... and just learn to be me... whoever that is. :)

How do you people do it? Any advice for a newly single gal in a world where men either want to fall in love in 5 minutes or fall asleep next to you after a sex session on the first night? lol* Or sometimes they even want both.

I'm kinda excited about new life. I just need to find a way to stop attracting Momma's boys and Assh*les... I met a woman recently that said she has a gravitational pull to control freaks. I think I have that problem with the aforementioned men.

But I won't give up! I will be out there, but maybe just for fun for awhile... until something worth wild comes around.

My new feelings in life is only date someone who is worth a broken heart.

Today's thoughts - Men!

Men... fix yourselves! :)

If you aren't single, don't pretend. It's okay to be a taken man. And if you are taken and want to play... stop being taken. DUH!

Okay, so here's the story. Met a guy on a plane bringing my son back to Texas from his father's. I didn't find him attractive, but he seemed nice enough. We had good conversation, and watched most of a movie together. He was a car salesman. I shoulda known (sorry mean streotype... but kinda funny!)

I am in the process of thinking about moving to PA so I can be closer to my son. So when he asked if we could be MySpace friends I thought sure... b/c then if i move I will know one person. We parted in Houston. A few days later I looked for him on MySpace and couldn't find him, so I txted him asking where he was on myspace. He wrote back and said he'd find me and add me.

He did and we kept txting a couple times. He asked when I was returning my son and we should hang out. I said maybe... Just depended. But the day before I went up there he called me and tried to coordinate hanging out. It required a lot of driving and would put me further from the airport then I liked, but I still told him maybe.

The next day after the flight, renting car, and returning Ashton... I knew I just wanted to find a hotel and sleep. So I cancelled with him. He kept txting me kinda lewd texts, but I didn't really reply in turn.

When I got back to Houston he told me that his ex girlfriend had hacked his MySpace, so if I got any weird messages to ignore them. Referred to her as a crazy bitch, etc. And how he hated drama.

There was a message in my inbox from a girl telling me she was best friends with his girlfriend's daughter. She asked if we really met on a plane, and if we had hooked up, if he was texting me and so forth. I answered, yes we met on a plane, no we never hooked up, we were texting, and he told me he was single with an ex girlfriend. After she and I wrote back a couple times and I told her to please apologize to the girlfriend for me, because I had no idea - the girlfriend wrote me. And she was GORGEOUS!!! He is a fool to have even tried to hook up with me, when he has her!

So men! And women! If you aren't happy in your relationship then don't be in it! But if you stay be committed. Don't try hooking up with some girl on your plane. It's lame and pathetic. And referring to a woman that you are dating (not broken up with) as a crazy bitch. It's impolite.

And if you are in her place and no what's going on, please don't stay. No man or woman is worth a continual broken heart. Be strong. Be independent. And get someone who will love you! For you! And not try to fulfill their need in other ways.