Misery and Life's Other Loves...

I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing.  ~Agatha Christie

Over the last two weeks I have been miserable. I cried myself to sleep multiple nights. Just cried and cried. Stopped and cried again.

I broke up with my boyfriend nearly a month ago. He works out at the gym where I work, so I see him at least once a week. And I see the pain he feels when he looks at me. That he still loves me and still wants me. And I don't feel the same. 

And I am trying to be a good person, but as I cried daily over various things it felt so easy to pick up my phone and send him a text -- and frankly he'd make it all better. But no.

That is the girl in me.

The human being, the adult, the good person in me made me refrain.

I just wanted to be held. I just wanted to be told it'd all be okay. Just a bump in the road. Just wait it out.

Basically, I really liked being IN a relationship and it was hard to give it up, even though I knew it was the right thing for me to do. So I've been crazy lonely and feeling empty. I always get told I am a pretty girl, but I wish people would see my depth and I feared only he would. And I'd be a divorced-old-maid forever! 

So my love life sucked.
Then my financial situation sucks.
But I thought -- well I still have my job!

After work one day my boss says, Hey Ash come here and sit for a second. He basically tells me my call volume is too low (It's a pain to explain what I do, but basically I make calls for people who are in decline status at our gyms across America and get updated bill info -- along with working front desk and Kids Klub, which is where I am primarily, and I HATE making calls when I have kids I find it neglectful)... and I'm not making enough "clear-ups". He basically gave me three weeks to be better. By the time he leaves for San Antonio.

Now I know if he actually wanted to fire me he would've. He made remarks like I'm a sweet girl, good with the kids, good at front desk, but need to make more of an effort for clear-ups. Ugh! So frustrating. Well, it just hurt my feelings is all. Plus, I have rules I don't call when I have kids 3 and under. And I don't trust the guy that just got demoted from AOM (the guy under my boss) to put call backs in my name. I used to get them all the time, until he came. I told my boss I just felt like my efforts weren't coming through for me. I leave so many messages and no return calls, etc. 

So I went home and cried in the car. Went upstairs to draw a bath before going BACK to work - feelings wounded - only to see on my Facebook Homepage the guy I dated just a year ago is ENGAGED!!!! ENGAGED!!!! It was all I could take. I cried for the next 3 hours until going back to work.

So there you have it! That's been my last two weeks, everything crumbled.

You think that's it? Nope.

Next night after again crying myself to sleep, my roommate comes home. He also happens to be one of my best friends and I love him. He had asked me the last two days to do dishes -- but I'd been working 2 shifts every day and baby-sitting and depressed so going to bed by 10, and just hadn't done them even when I planned to.  He wakes me up around 12:30 midnight and I open the door to tell him to please let me sleep - I had to be up at 6:30 for work. And we end up arguing. We've never argued really. It was surreal. He and I both cried. And I just felt like a shit person. Like I could possibly feel any worse. Like a good option would be to go off and make a google maps request for the closest bridge. Because I LOVVVVVEEEEE my roommate and I don't want his feelings hurt, or think I don't care, or am not happy with where I am in my life. We are both passive aggressive and apparently had pent up anger and it exploded all over the living room floor. Eww... messy! But we ended with hugs, so I think we will be fine! :)

I had no idea he was so mad at me. No idea. I thought it was his job and his latest break-up. No. Just me. And so I stayed up until 3 am just lying in bed crying more. Because I felt like a disappointment in every single aspect of my life. And alone. And miserable.

But. I know "This too shall pass." And like Agatha Christie says, it's better to be alive. Being alive is grand. 

And the next day I made 6 clear ups. So nah! Boss! :)

I know I lack on readers lol because I am an inconsistent Blogger. But *I* feel better now! LoL

Writer 10/2/12

That wasn't even me who walked into the bookstore and hid in the shadows watching you
But you swear it was
You swear I could be that meek
I amuse you, as well you amuse me
Thinking you're hot stuff every time I come around
Worthy of my stalking
Worthy of a little creeping
But although I am intrigued
I know better than to want you
To trust, is to never know you
And you've made your fickle musings decoration on my wall
So I am not fooled, not this time
And yet....
....yet I beg to give you the benefit of the doubt one last time
Ignore what you're saying to me and concentrate on the movements of your skin against mine

And what is it puppet?
What would you tell me if you weren't so afraid?
Can I please have a little truth splattered on my pie
A little reality stirred in my tea
Tell me you love me, tell me you want only me
Tell me when I was with someone else
You cried over me

Am I just a fool in your latest story
About a gullible blonde
A joke by the water cooler
Or are you thinking of me right now as I pen these words of you
And what am I doing with you, when I only see horror
Because I want to be the girl in your story
I want to be the heroine
I want the readers to root for me
Just a little
Whistle my hero tune on their way to work
Wondering what ever became of the love interest
He could have had if he hadn't been so selfish

But this is just a fantasy, because I am too much reality
Me as real life, you as just a guy
Keeping his distance, because he takes the easy route
But she comes unexpected, and for once he is confused by his own script
The one I am in
The one he can't live without
Though he wants to
He wants to continue eating tacos
And sleeping alone
But I eat away at him
He must write again
Of the blonde heroine
With the blue eyes
Soft skin
Who speaks in riddles and quirks
Who waits patient
Who accepts his crazy
Because she sees the real him