Just Musing Around...

Funny how life works. You think you have it all planned out, but it never works that way. People think they have me figured out, but how can they when only a handful of people actually know me in depth. The others ~ well they get enough of a glimpse to have an idea, but not enough to have more than a few brush strokes of the full picture.

This much I do know, though I fool people a lot of the time, somehow, "Not a Pretty Girl" by Ani Difranco is my song.


I am not a Pretty Girl
That is Not What I Do
I ain't no Damsel in Distress
And I Don't Need to be Rescued
So Put Me Down Punk
Wouldn't you prefer a Maiden Fair
Isn't there a Kitten Stuck in a Tree Somewhere?

Men in general think of me as a pet. A cute, homeless, helpless kitten that needs to be nursed back to life. I'll be honest, maybe I do portray myself that way... I mean no one has as bad luck as me. And though sometimes I want to be taken care of... it's not because I can't take care of myself nor do I want the basis of it to be out of pity.

I don't pity me. I mean sometimes, lately a lot of times, I can get plain old sick of my bad luck. I really feel I need to have a discussion with Karma, because she is being a mean girl. And I think she might be picking on the wrong person. I didn't know we had such a beef. I wish she'd give me a chance to apologize. For whatever it is I've done.

Also, I was thinking today about decisions in life. I started to wonder if I were to go back in time -- knowing all I know about my life -- if I would make the same decisions? Honestly? I think I would make similar. Yes, I would still have married Jeff. I may've went about it differently. I may've put my foot down that we needed to have pre-marital counseling. I might would be right here typing this out all over again. And you may think me crazy... but wait! I have a good reason.

Ashton. I know about him. And although I could've had my Ashton with a decent guy... he wouldn't be *my* Ashton then. I think if events preceded how they did this life I would've left Jeff while pregnant. Hell, I would've left before I found out about my pregnancy and would be miles away with his son in my belly. I could've restarted life then and he'd be in my arms every day and Jeff would have visitation.

I can hardly fathom my life beginning over 3 years ago. Lands, I wasted so much time. And did I really learn that much?? That's the thing... I feel like all I learned would've served me better if I had learned them in those first 6 months of marriage. But of course my pride kept me in that relationship. I didn't want to fail. I don't like to fail. I felt as a "good Christian woman" I should have a happy, loving, perfect marriage... HA! Maybe if I had married myself.

But no, I faked a smile. And pressed through. Now, I've looked at pictures of me. A smile placed on my face... and the saddest eyes I've ever seen. She's foreign to me. I hated myself. I thought if I didn't have him, and my identity as a wife and mother I would be nothing. I was a shallow pond of sorrow and didn't even *grasp* how far I had gone. It wasn't until I was back here and crawling out of the pond that I realized how murky the waters were.

But here I am, devulging up the past. A past that can't be fixed or traded or upgraded. THAT was my life... if you can call it such a thing. Now I just need to find my way out of this limbo. And into a person I like in a situation I like.

But all in all I would endure the hurts, rejection, pain, and sorrow for that little man. I can't imagine any life without him.

Sitting at the bar. Watching as my battery slowly dies. Dr. Pepper finished (I KNOW not coffee... but I work here and have already had my cup when I came in to work @ 10 am). Sipping on ice water. Nothing much going on. Nothing much going on.

I am in reflect mode, which is always... well not always... but many times a fun place to be.

And the musings are not telling me much. I feel like life is going by too quickly and I am not really anywhere I actually want to be. Yet. I feel like waiting for this divorce has just put my life on a major hold, and I am truly, truly ready for it to be over.

But my lawyer... she is awful about returning my emails. Ah! But she has time to send me email forwards. Which is odd of a lawyer anyway. I never send her any ~ just to clarify.

And now my little brother and sister are talking to me on IM. They're 14 and 11. They love me. And mom is making them journal (which I do of my own accord obviously!), so they are bored and sending me messages. Silly kiddos.

Thanksgiving's almost here! :-D My ultimate FAVORITE holiday!! AND better news, I get the kiddo. Pretty excited about that :) I love my little man.

Honestly, HE is reason I still believe in love.

part 2!

So in my head I told myself. 1 year. People kept telling me the first year was the hardest. And in my 21 year old naivety I thought that it meant after a year we would understand each other and the hurt he was putting me through would end.

But life has a funny way of changing those plans. I should've gotten out. I should've went home. But I didn't. And 6 months after we were married, we were expecting a baby. The first two weeks I did little more than cry and stress. Jeffrey was ecstatic. He had wanted a baby even before we got married.

I said at the time I just wasn't ready to be a mother. And I do believe that was true. But think the pregnancy felt like a nail in my coffin called marriage. I admit though, our relationship got better. He was so happy to be a father. He was much less abusive and quit hitting me altogether.

He was still hard on me about the house, but during my pregnancy I was so weak. I passed out many times. So I couldn't do a lot of housework. But that didn't make him help me. We didn't have a dishwasher and I would have to bring a stool to sit on while I did the dishes. I didn't start showing until my 5th month or so.

We were having a boy! Another thing I cried about... was so certain it was going to be a girl. lol* His family was thrilled, and although most all my family told me they wish we had waited they were happy for us too.

Before the pregnancy Jeffrey's mother knew mildly about the abuse. But she never said more to him than, "You really shouldn't do that." They were/are religious and tried to get him back in church, but he was having none of it. Jeffrey's father never knew about what was going on, though I assumed he did. But his mother protected him.

Ashton came that September. A beautiful, perfect baby boy. All of a sudden my life was complete. I had something that had all of my heart. Tiny fingers. Tiny toes. Beautiful big blue eyes like mine. A bundle of perfection.

Jeffrey was happy too. And at first he was 100% there for me. We were a happy family. Though I was utterly exhausted all the time. I never recovered. Slowly, as time went on Jeff did less and less. He had a computer game he was obsessed with. A shooter game and was part of a team. He'd always be on mic when he was home. And it bothered me to ask him anything with people listening to me.

By this time Jeff had a better paying job, but hated it with passion. He was always stressed coming to and from work. And his stress was pushed onto me.

But I loved him. I can't begin to express what love does to a person... which is probably why it scares me so much now. I simply tell people. I was crazy! I lived for a person who saw me as a vacuum, sex, and baby-maker. After we married for some reason he resented me as a person.

I'm not saying it was all bad. It wasn't. Sometimes we played the part of hapy family. All snuggling, watching movies, hanging out with friends. But inside I was empty. A shell. And after Ashton was born I slowly started disaccociating myself with the world. Which hurt and left me lonely. Jeffrey also admitted that the only reason he didn't hit me during my pregnancy was so I didn't lose his baby.

Things with my mother were not better. We fought constantly and she overheard Jeff call her a bitch once and all was let loose! I even had to take her out of my life for a little while, which further isolated me from connections with my family.

New Years - Ashton 3 months old - I decided I wanted to have a party. I cooked and cleaned all day. His family and a few of our friends were coming over. All I had left was to make the cheeseball. And he started yelling at me for not vacuuming the stairs. I told him if he wanted them cleaned so badly he could do them! It was too hard on my back to hold the vacuum up the steep stairs. (When I had Ashton the bed was "broken" and it couldn't be raised high enough, so I was on it wrong and it did something awful to my back). He threw a folding chair at me and more words were exchanged he crossed the room and had his hand on my throat.

When his family and our friends came they asked what was wrong. I was so embarrassed, so I lied and said, "I'm just nervous. This is my first party to throw here and I hope I made enough food." I regret that decision too.

So fast-forward. Ashton grew and we had ups and downs. We had a house built for us and moved out into the country. I thought things had gotten better. But I was highly depressed and put on medication. Towards Fall of last year I didn't go a single day without crying and Ashton was my only realson to get out of bed.

Within a month of each other I lost Mr. Incredible (the afore mentioned cat) and Max our wonderful black lab/pointer puppy we had found. I was devastated.

Then Thanksgiving was the turning point.

We went to his grandparent's, who now lived in our own home, for dinner. We had a great day! We were driving back home and mentally I was thinking about what all needed done at the house. We had been out the last couple days and laundry was backed up and the house was a mess. So I thought I will call mom and let Ashton talk to the family, and my grandma to hear Ashton before I put him down for a nap and then I'd start cleaning. All this was a mental note.

So we get home and I call my Mia (grandma), because my grandpa was still in the hospital for his surgery. While Mia and I talk before I put Ashton on the phone, Jeffrey starts slamming things in the kitchen - obviously mad about the mess - we had just been to his gp's who keep their house lovely... and all decorated for TG... so he was comparing I know. I could tell Mia was hearing him and kept hesiatating. So I put the phone down and tell him he's being an ass and it's rude. He continues his petty fit.

I get off the phone with her. And tear into him. Telling him how rude he is. And she's an old woman (83). I called him an asshole and he crossed the room, had me by my throat, and threw me to the ground. Standing next to me, watching intently, was Ashton. I lost it. I was crying and mumbling. I walked to our bedroom, and then turned on my heel, and like a mad woman walked to him. I am 5'3 106 lbs and he is 6' 190 lbs. I put my hand on his throat without pressure and said, "How do you like it?" He took my hand and was bending my thumb backwards. I knew it would break. I hate pain, but I wish I had let him. I wiggled it away.

That day I died inside. I was literally a walking, breathing dead person. It hurts me know to even remember that feeling. That nothingness.

It was time to leave. That week I called and told my mother the truth. I don't think I've ever shed so many tears in all my life.

We got into counseling because I "needed it". Or so he said. He didn't have a problem. If I just didn't yell. But the couselor was a Christian counselor and didn't give us what I felt we needed. She went as far as to say she wouldn't counsel us through divorce. She felt it was a sin. Bogus.

I tried. But things had gone too far. And so Jan 31st 2009 I left. I moved home to Texas.

Unfortunately, I was told if I took Ashton over the state lines it would be conjured as kidnapping... later I found out that was false. But the backwards state of West Virginia (and forgive me if you are from there) will not let my son leave the state with me for permenant custody. So Jeffrey automatically gets him and I visitation.

It's been a rough 10 months. But I have grown so much. And learned so much about myself. And had many firsts this year. And I'm happy to say I made the right decision leaving and getting new life. And it hurts my soul not to have my son, when for so long I was a SAHM, and spent every moment with him. But he's a happy kid. And I trust all things to work out for the good. :)

Tonight I have decided to get brutally honest. No more hiding behind a facade. Which is very fitting on this Halloween night. All of us at one time or another place a mask over our face. Even if it's a simple, "I'm fine" when in reality we want to burst into tears, or lock ourselves in a closet for eternity.

I have felt since a young age that bad things happened to me, so that I could have empathy for others. So that one day I might help someone else who is also hurting, more than likely in a deeper way than me. But now, at 25, I look around and see so little that I have helped. So little I have accomplished. And that is why I started this blog. To offer support to other women who have been or are in the situation I was in.

I was a young naive 19 year old. He was the same. We attended the same college. The first thing I thought when I was introduced to him was, "Gosh he has the prettiest eyes I have ever seen." And so a crush was born. After that my roommate and I would go over to his frat house, we went to a very small Christian university here in Texas, to watch movies. Another friend, Jennie, would accompany us sometimes. I confided in her that I had a huge crush on the boy, Jeff.

I wasn't good with letting people know I was interested. I had never had a boyfriend just about two serious crushes. So what I felt were obvious attempts at flirtation seemed to not be. I arrived at Chapel one day to discover from my roommate that Jennie and Jeff were dating. They dated off and on for that full semester. My heart continually being crushed when they'd get back together.

But after the Christmas holidays things were over completely for them. He and I were able to become friends again. And on February 7th we were a couple. He adored me. I adored him. We were happy and inseparable. Within 3 weeks he told me he was in love with me. I didn't return it for a few weeks.

Within three months of dating we knew we were madly in love and were going to get married. In a hotel on our way home driving back from his parent's in WV we both lost our virginity. It made us even closer and life was never the same.

My parent's had their reserves. And when Jeff asked their permission my step-dad gave it, and then withdrew it a week or so later. Of course I blamed my mom. She is a whole other story, but at the time I did not trust any of her judgment, because she was crazy. It's tough to explain right now, but someday I can fill y'all in on her story.

But Jeff proposed anyway. My parent's refused to go to the wedding, so my grandparent's had it at their church. In May of '05 we were married.

During the months of engagement, despite my intense hesitation, Jeff and his mother talked me in to moving up to WV. I knew I wouldn't like it, but his family had been much more welcoming towards me to come into their family, than mine to Jeff. And I was promised better job opportunities, since many up there do not have but maybe high school educations. And of course it is cheaper to live there. So after much convincing I said, yes.

In June after being hectically married a month we made the move to West Virginia. Jeffrey, myself, and our beautiful orange tabby, Mr. Incredible. It was cheaper to live. We had a two story house (bottom story a fully finished basement) for only $400 a month. But the job thing was not as easy. It took me 4 or 5 months to find a job, and even that one wasn't steady, though I enjoyed it.

In July, a mere two months after we wed the abuse started happening. Jeff's anger took a whole new spin I had never seen, and I wonder if he had ever seen it before then either? Many times I would try to sleep in our extra bedroom. Feeling like I had never cried so hard in my life.

It's funny when you love someone so much. It's as though you really are blind. I would think after each abuse I would call my grandparent's in the morning and get a flight home. But he would come in and apologize, and no matter how many Lifetime movies I'd seen I fell for it. Mostly, because I wanted to. I wanted to believe he loved me, and we would get through this.

People (without knowing the full situation... only that we argued a lot) would tell me, "The first year is the hardest." So I vowed 1 year to him. I tried to get us in counseling. But we only had 2 sessions. And the second he called me a whore for liking the show Sex and the City, so I wouldn't come out of the room.

The shoving and verbal abuse continued. He wanted the house perfect, so much pressure on me. One night he tackled me like a football player. I think if I had been standing on the outside of my body it might would've looked comical. He would slam the brakes if we were arguing in the car and he wanted me to shut up. He would call me stupid.

My relationship with my mother was incredible damaged. I was stubborn and could not fathom talking to her about anything. I couldn't admit I had been wrong.

In hindsight how much clearer the world is.

Because of the length stay tuned for part 2 :)

Today at work my favorite couple came in. I work at a coffee shop. And we have this couple that come in about everyday. The man is kinda nerdy looking... kinda reminds me of a timid bird. His wife is the most southern and sweetest woman ever. Always refers to me as Honey and sweet.

Every day he comes in and gets a small snickers latte with whip (but no sprinkles or chocolate syrup) his wife normally gets a small hot tea, and a muffin or scone. They just brighten up my day. He loves her so much and really who wouldn't? It's like being able to not love Paula Dean!! She sounds just like her.

I don't know much about them. I do know she plays piano for weddings and funerals. I know they love each other and he always looks at her like he'd do anything for her and wants to take care of her. It's beautiful. It's simple. What life should look like.

So they, or at least the tiny bit of their life that is shared with me, are a good example of how love should look. And something I suppose when it comes down to it I strive for. Love is something I struggle with, because there is so much involvement in life that to unselfishly give your love away isn't easy. It isn't for the faint of heart.

And I know my heart is beating, but sometimes I wonder how strongly.

Are You Worth It?

So this year I picked up the role of "Single" again. It's been weird being thrust into this world after my 5+ year absence. It's all new. I'm older now, hopefully wiser, but dating was never something I was good at or enjoyed. And now here I am trying to keep my head above water... and just learn to be me... whoever that is. :)

How do you people do it? Any advice for a newly single gal in a world where men either want to fall in love in 5 minutes or fall asleep next to you after a sex session on the first night? lol* Or sometimes they even want both.

I'm kinda excited about new life. I just need to find a way to stop attracting Momma's boys and Assh*les... I met a woman recently that said she has a gravitational pull to control freaks. I think I have that problem with the aforementioned men.

But I won't give up! I will be out there, but maybe just for fun for awhile... until something worth wild comes around.

My new feelings in life is only date someone who is worth a broken heart.

Today's thoughts - Men!

Men... fix yourselves! :)

If you aren't single, don't pretend. It's okay to be a taken man. And if you are taken and want to play... stop being taken. DUH!

Okay, so here's the story. Met a guy on a plane bringing my son back to Texas from his father's. I didn't find him attractive, but he seemed nice enough. We had good conversation, and watched most of a movie together. He was a car salesman. I shoulda known (sorry mean streotype... but kinda funny!)

I am in the process of thinking about moving to PA so I can be closer to my son. So when he asked if we could be MySpace friends I thought sure... b/c then if i move I will know one person. We parted in Houston. A few days later I looked for him on MySpace and couldn't find him, so I txted him asking where he was on myspace. He wrote back and said he'd find me and add me.

He did and we kept txting a couple times. He asked when I was returning my son and we should hang out. I said maybe... Just depended. But the day before I went up there he called me and tried to coordinate hanging out. It required a lot of driving and would put me further from the airport then I liked, but I still told him maybe.

The next day after the flight, renting car, and returning Ashton... I knew I just wanted to find a hotel and sleep. So I cancelled with him. He kept txting me kinda lewd texts, but I didn't really reply in turn.

When I got back to Houston he told me that his ex girlfriend had hacked his MySpace, so if I got any weird messages to ignore them. Referred to her as a crazy bitch, etc. And how he hated drama.

There was a message in my inbox from a girl telling me she was best friends with his girlfriend's daughter. She asked if we really met on a plane, and if we had hooked up, if he was texting me and so forth. I answered, yes we met on a plane, no we never hooked up, we were texting, and he told me he was single with an ex girlfriend. After she and I wrote back a couple times and I told her to please apologize to the girlfriend for me, because I had no idea - the girlfriend wrote me. And she was GORGEOUS!!! He is a fool to have even tried to hook up with me, when he has her!

So men! And women! If you aren't happy in your relationship then don't be in it! But if you stay be committed. Don't try hooking up with some girl on your plane. It's lame and pathetic. And referring to a woman that you are dating (not broken up with) as a crazy bitch. It's impolite.

And if you are in her place and no what's going on, please don't stay. No man or woman is worth a continual broken heart. Be strong. Be independent. And get someone who will love you! For you! And not try to fulfill their need in other ways.